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Sexually Incompatible

Group Therapy: Should I End My Engagement Over Sex?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my fiancé for two and a half years. I love him, so so much, and I know he loves me.  Sex was good at first, and I mean, right away. We fell together instantly, like we had known each other before and were picking up where we left off. 

He told me he loved me after two weeks together. We basically lived together right away (either he was at my place or I was at his), and we've had a place together for the past year and a half.  Everything except the sex is great, he is like my best friend. Problem is, I am very sexual and he is not. He once told me that he already hit his sexual peak before we met (he's only 25!!! I'm 22).

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Like I said, the first 6 months or so were great, we had sex pretty frequently, about 3 times a week. Now, I am begging for once a week. When we first met, he was all about me, "Your pleasure is my pleasure." Now, I'm lucky if he touches me below the waist with his hands, and even above the waist.  It's like he kisses me a bit and then is ready to go; no foreplay.  I've tried initiating, and 95 percent of the time he is rejecting me. "Too tired." "I just ate." "I just got home from work," or simply, "Not tonight honey, I'm just not in the mood." The man turns down blow jobs all the time, even though he claims I'm good at them, and he seems to enjoy them.

I can't stand the rejection anymore. But I don't want to give him up. 

Read the rest on Group Therapy.

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saulute saulute 5 years
omg, i have so similar situation.first 5 months together we had sex everday, even 2 times per day, then less less and now, after year and 4 months i am almost always rejected...we are arguing because of this topic, he is saying that i am not normal wanting a lot sex....i don t think so...and like you said, when we are having sex, it is also seems like he is doing hi duty and thats alll....
jenjen1984 jenjen1984 5 years
Hi everyone - I just read this and just went through the exact same issue - I broke up with him 6 weeks ago but miss him so much, I just want to know if the original poster stayed with their guy and what happened? Sex is so so important and I just couldn't take the rejection any more either, it pressurised every other part of our relationship and made me feel so unattractive. But I miss his cuddles and support so much now it aches. I guess I just have to move on..... anyone else had this too? x
Candid10 Candid10 6 years
Just a thought here - but perhaps he has a porn addiction?
thattagurl thattagurl 6 years
sorry, i wish for you it was different, but after you marry him it will only get worse. leave him. you will survive. accept this as a learning experience, your next choice for a partner will be better!
Veka Veka 6 years
Wow, this really hits home for me. When you said in post #9 "I know I cannot go the rest of my life feeling the hurt and rejection every time he says no" -- that's exactly how I felt with my ex. I am in my mid-20's and he is exactly 10 years older than me. He would use the excuse that he was too tired and worked a 12 hour day, etc. but it happened more often than not. He would rarely initiate. When I did, I'd get turned down a lot. But the funny thing is that he always told me how amazing I felt and that he lovvvved having sex with me. When I got turned down it was heart breaking. The post #10 really hits the nail on the head: "You said you had sex three times a week at first and now it's barely once a week if that at all. Something is wrong with the relationship. It's not him it's the situation." You are so right. My ex and I used to have sex a lot, then I had to beg for once to twice a week toward the end of our relationship. Little did I realize it at the time, but it was due to the underlying issues in our relationship. Needless to say, he is my ex for a reason. We did end up splitting up due to those underlying issues, even though we were head over heels in love with each other. We just weren't compatible. We ended up having sex more AFTER we broke up (however I do not recommend ex sex lol) than when we were together. I do have a new boyfriend now and there's no complaints in the sex department!
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
Your fiance should go to the doctor and get things checked out, he might actually have something medically wrong with him. Really, even though he's young, it's very possible.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
yes
jzibart jzibart 6 years
It is vital that you deal with this now. I have lived in your shoes & I did marry the guy ..... and it didn't get better. The people that say he's cheating - don't assume that's the case. Don't assume he's surfing porn & hiding it. Some men just don't want sex. Even some men in their 20's. I wish you luck!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
He might be mad at you for something. Resentment kills your sex life. Prod him into a good argument and see what comes out of it.
Arleos Arleos 6 years
I feel so bad for you,I know what it is like to not be sexully satisfied or fulfilled, he has shown you what your sex life will be,don't waste time hoping he will change,I have been down this road and itf you stay on yours ,you are in for a long bumpy ride, get out before to much time and more of your emotions are invested,you deserve to be with someone who your are happy with. Good Luck,
GTCB GTCB 6 years
Um... there's been lots of talk about sexuality in relationships here, but none of that matters. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he's cheating on you. There's your answer, plain and simple. Sorry about your luck!
Lenay Lenay 6 years
Guys in their 20's don't have low sex drives. They think about sex all the time. (I bet if you pull up the "Favorites" tab on his computer you'll find a few X-rated websites.) There's a piece missing from this puzzle. Assuming that you haven't gained a significant amount of weight since he moved in ( you didn't mention any radical change in your appearance) there must be another reason for his sudden lack of interest. I find the fact that he said he loved you after only two weeks together suspicious. Is there any possibility that he could have had other motivations for wanting to move in with you? Does he have bad credit? Are you paying for more of the living expenses than he is? Is he in grad school or med school or law school?
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I think that it may be more emotional than physical like one of the posters suggested. That is if the fiancee doesn't have any physical problems. Perhaps he is not quite ready to commit in such a manner (marriage) but he's conflicted too because he loves you/finds you to be the best partner he can find. This reminds me of Trey-Charlotte relationship. He's able to get it on only after they're 'estranged.' I'd say, don't marry him before getting this issue sorted out. And if you're serious about being with him, you need to talk it out. I KNOW the feeling of being sexually rejected (felt like that with my ex-fiancee), and it's NOt fun, imagine having to feel like that for the rest of your life and remember, my experience has a key word: EX. Good luck.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 6 years
Sex is obviously more important to you than him. Your situation is not uncommon, but it is serious. Moving to a new location or getting married is not suddenly going to fix the innate differences in your sex drives. In fact, it's probably only going to get worse with time rather than better as you have already seen. Initially for most couples sex is exciting and frequent and it's normal for the frequency to taper somewhat as couples settle into a routine together, which seems to be what you've experienced. I would certainly not assume that he's cheating just because the frequency of sex between you two has lessened. I would also not assume there is a problem in your relationship because of the change. But I would assume that the frequency is not going to increase unless he is willing to make an effort to try to meet your needs. You guys are going to need to talk things through and come up with a solution that works for both of you because this has the potential to be an on-going issue for both of you in your relationship and possible marriage. I personally would choose the love over the sex because the kind of emotional connection you have with this man is not easy to find, but that decision is yours to make and needs to come from you examining your own priorities.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
I don't think he has a low sex drive-I think he has a low marriage drive. You said you had sex three times a week at first and now it's barely once a week if that at all. Something is wrong with the relationship. It's not him it's the situation. You could try asking him if he's ready to be married to you? I wouldn't be surprised if the postponed wedding turned out to be cancelled.
marie465 marie465 6 years
Thank you all for your comments and advice. I feel like we may need to postpone the wedding at least; I keep thinking it would not be a good idea for us to get married without this situation being worked out better. I think both of us have some issues we need to work on, and we've started to open communication a little more. I am seeing slight improvement on quality, not so much quantity, but I believe I can live with that. Thank you again; I hope we do not break it off over this, he is a wonderful man otherwise and I would hate to lose him over sex. If it does not work out, I am glad to know we broke it off for a good reason. That was one of my fears; that I was blowing it out of proportion and I should just suck it up and deal with it, but reading some of your comments enforces my feelings that sex really is important!! I know I cannot go the rest of my life feeling the hurt and rejection every time he says no. We will work on this together and hopefully figure something out. Thank you. :)
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
I think he made it very clear that he is not going to change and he is not going to seek help for his lack of sexual desire. Now, you have to decide if you wanna marry him and spend the rest of your life unsatisfied sexually, never feeling wanted or attractive and having to beg for him to finally doing his duty. I know I could never do it. There could be a slight chance if he was indeed looking for help, but he is not going to do so. If you do marry him you will be unhappy and resent him more and more every time he rejects you. I agree with Rory1225, make it an ultimatum.
Rory1225 Rory1225 6 years
I didn't say to have sex without commitment. I just said that you should have sex before making the ultimate commitment-marriage. But since that is not really what the poster is asking, I am not going to get into it more.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
Sex is important. It becomes more and more important if it is not in synch. However, to have sex without commitment is to hinder the growth of all other aspects of a relationship. Sex early will take over and drive everything else and, before you know it, you're on a blog questioning the relationship itself because sex is not as good as you want. If you have built a strong, caring, loving relationship, one or the other will sacrifice for the other -- and with joy, since the one's joy should be tied to the other. Really, in a life-committed relationship, you give up your body to the other, and the other to you. Two people committed can work out anything.
Rory1225 Rory1225 6 years
Sex is important in a relationship. This is why I believe you should have sex before you are married and why I get mad when people tell others that it is a bad idea. A couple needs to be on the same page about sex before they get married. It doesn't sound like you are. Take a stand and tell him you need to go to couples therapy and talk about this or you are not marrying him. Also, don't think there is something wrong with you because you want sex!
wickedqueen wickedqueen 6 years
Wow, I couldn't believe when I saw your post. It sounds very similar to my Sex or Love? post. The similarities are that I seem to want sex more and have to do all the initiating as well. My boyfriend is 24 and acts the same, the difference is I blame myself as I have some sexual problems. We only have sex once a week as well but it's only because I seduce him for it or as with you it would be forever until I broke. I assumed the whole thing is me. I guess being a young guy doesn't automatically make you a horn dog or crazed for sex. With my boyfriend, I love him so so much this a hard thing for me to EVEN CONSIDER leaving him but is we don't come up with a way to satisfy us both then we may have to say goodbye. I really hope you and fiance can come to some middle ground because it would be awful to lose someone you love over too little sex. I just wanted to say, I understand how you're feeling, although you have it much easier than me right now. Good luck
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