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Is She More Than a Friend?

Dear Sugar
I have been married and in love with my husband for five years, but lately I haven't been feeling the same way for him. I am finding myself not physically attracted to him like I used to be and our differences seem to be growing everyday. I figured all this was a natural lull in our marriage until I met a very special woman.

She is a member of my small community and I am not only finding myself attracted to her physically, but emotionally as well. She is a lesbian and although I know I am not, I can't stop thinking about her. She is smart, strong, a great mom, fun and an artist.

I haven't told her how I feel, I'm guessing she wouldn't return the feelings knowing that I'm married but this has left me so confused. I'm 30 years old and now all of a sudden I'm attracted to someone of the same sex; where does this leave my marriage? Can you please help? Torn Lover Leslie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Torn Lover Leslie
Many women question their sexual preference from time to time so you are not alone if you are feeling confused. After five years of marriage, you are bound to have highs and lows, but if sounds like you are starting to pull back from your husband.

Has your relationship gone down hill since you met this woman or have you been struggling with your feelings for a while now? Although you say you are not a lesbian, it sounds as though you could be bisexual. Being adventurous, curious, and wanting to explore your sexuality is completely normal, but you owe it to your marriage to be truthful with your feelings.

Have you talked to your husband about this situation? If you were to tell your gal pal about your attraction, do you think you would act on it if her feelings were mutual? Have you confided in anyone about these feelings? Perhaps speaking with a therapist would be helpful. Take some time to process your thoughts and sort out your emotions. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I agree with the fact that your marriage needs work. Maybe your hubby is afraid to see the truth but you should definetly have a heart to heart with him and try to re-connect. As far as the other girl is this the first time you're having these feelings for another woman? You've never thought about it before? I just think maybe hanging out with this friend her lifestyle might seem new and different and cool to you but it doesn't mean its actually for you. Either way you're in a committed relationship and I think you owe it to both you and your actually partner to give it 100%.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
you need to take the energy you are putting into your friendship with this woman and put it into your marriage. relationships take effort and you aren't prioritizing the way you should be right now.
serendipity75 serendipity75 10 years
I have honestly been feeling this way towards my husband for about two years. When I tell him I feel like we don't spend any quality time together anymore, he says, "We're married, we don't have to try anymore". So I accepted it as this is what my life is now, the path I chose. Then I met her. I don't know if i'm curious, but I find that I get jealous if I see she's flirting with someone else, I picture myself being with her. I will take some time away from her, see if I can shake this. Hopefully, it's just a phase. Thanks so everyone for their kind words.
Marci Marci 10 years
I would move very slowly here. As arianell said based on her own experience, sometimes it's an admiration or infatuation with someone. After 5 years of marriage, things aren't all that exciting all the time and I think almost every married person has some kind of crush at some point over the years, some very intense. That doesn't mean you have to act on it, though. The suggestions given above for a weekend away, date nights with your husband - all good advice. Explore your marriage before you explore another relationship.
arianell arianell 10 years
I've had a "girl crush" on one of my lesbian friends, but when I thought about it, I realized it was only because I admired her so much. Maybe you love how strong, confident, and intelligent your friend is, and that admiration is manifesting itself as a type of attraction. I agree that you need to spend some one-on-one time with your husband before you make any rash decisions.
tra tra 10 years
Take a weekend away with your husband and take some space from your "friend." You need to try your hardest to reconnect with your husband over all else. This friend may be giving you the attention that you are lacking at home from your husband because of the stress of daily life, etc. You know that she is a lesbian and maybe are overthinking some of her gestures toward you and as a result of an emotional emptiness from your husband are reaching out to her. Step back from her and get together with your husband and try and work on your marriage and commitment that you made to him. Good luck.
rubialala rubialala 10 years
Escape is dead on right.
Escape Escape 10 years
Life drains a lot of "those feelings" out of our marriage. Just know that love is a choice, not a feeling. You choose to love your mate. If you decide to try to work things with your Husband start with date night. This is a great builder that takes the daily stress away for a minute to discover that initial connection you shared. I am not for female relationships, but each to their own. But before you make any decision please remember no one can MAKE you happy. That you have to do yourself. Good Luck in whatever you do! ~~~ Niki ~~~
snowflake snowflake 10 years
You are maybe finally finding your inner self. Explore, enjoy!
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