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Should I Do Something Special For His Birthday?

"Should I Do Something Special For His Birthday?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I was going out with this guy for almost four months and things were going great, we were having lots of fun and a nice time. However, one day he told me that he had problems with long term commitment and that he still feels like he wants to be single. At the time he was not referring to me specifically, but after few drinks we started talking about our relationship. I took this as a rejection and that what we had wouldn't develop into something more serious. So I decided to step back. It happened that my birthday was at the end of that week and he organized a big surprise romantic dinner. After that, I never got in touch with him and he didn't contact me either. I guess he got the message that I didn't want a casual relationship.

It's been three weeks now and we still haven't talked. I like the guy a lot, but after several heart breaks and men who didn't want to commit I am not ready to just date casually. His birthday is coming up in two days and I was wondering if I should I write to him a birthday email? Should I leave him a gift as a surprise at his building? Should I take him out for dinner — seeing him again will make me become weaker though — or should I just ignore it completely? Let's face it, deep down I am still hoping that he contacts me so we could talk about us. Could it be that if I do something nice for his birthday he would want to reconsider me in his life? What should I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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DazzleDe DazzleDe 5 years
He's told you he doesn't want a relationship and that he want's to be single. He hasn't contacted you in 3 weeks. It doesn't sound like you are going to get what you want out of this and in my opinion, it may come off as creepy and desperate if you leave him a gift at his apartment. He's already told you who he is and what he wants, it's up to you with what you're going to do with that information.
jessicaeden jessicaeden 5 years
I learned this lesson the hard way:  If a guy tells you he doesn't want something serious, he doesn't want something serious.  No matter how awesome you are or how many special things you do for him, its not going to change.  Save yourself the heartache and continue to move on. 
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
Agreed with Silje. He's said he doesn't want a commitment and to ignore that is to compromise your own needs. He's being decent enough to be honest with you, so be decent enough to listen to him. I think a simple email is a nice gesture, but anything bigger is just inviting suffering. Take care of yourself first.
Silje Silje 5 years
My gut tells me that you shouldn't do anything big. You could write him a nice email though, but if he doesn't want a relationship and you do, your time and money are best spent elsewhere in my opinion. If you write the e-mail and he doesn't answer it the same day or the day after, you should take it as a sign to move on. If he does answer, be careful of not.... wait, nevermind. Send him a text with "Happy Birthday! :)" and  get on with your life. 
henna-red henna-red 5 years
I agree with missmaryb. If you invite him back into your life with the hope that he'll eventually want something more, then you're asking for disappointment and pain. He's been very clear about what he doesn't want, so it's time to turn your hopes in another direction. I know that's painful also, but not nearly so much as it will be if you don't honor his silence, his intentions, his desires. Give yourself a break and move on, in your heart and spirit as well as in your life. I had a friend years ago who taught me the best way to get what you to know what to want. Unrealistic hope is a waste of your energy. Learn to hope for a wonderful guy whose goal is the same as yours.....a long term committed relationship. take good care
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
It sounds to me like you want a committed, exclusive relationship. And really, after 4 months, that's not too much to expect. But...he told you he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and he hasn't been in touch. Believe what he's telling you and how he's acting. He doesn't want it. Let him go, forget the birthday. I think if you pursue this you will end up even more disappointed. Good luck.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
You need to make up your mind. Do you want a friendship with this guy or not? Can you have just a friendship with him and be happy? Or do you need to be in a committed relationship with him in order to have him in your life and not feel bad about it? If you can be just friends or casually date him, then go ahead and get back in touch with him. If you need him to be committed to you in order to be in your life, then you need to just let him go.
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