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Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money?

"Should I Lend My Boyfriend Money or Let Things Work Themselves Out?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend works for his brother and lately they have been going through some disagreements (not about work). Their relationship both professionally and personally has been suffering as a consequence. He adores his brother, but has expressed the need to get away from him for a while to clear his head. Getting paid by his brother is additionally hurting the situation.

I, on the other hand, am going to receive a reasonable amount of money in a year (selling our family house and dividing the shares). I constantly think about what to do with that money, specifically, I've always wanted to open my own business. Lately, I've been thinking that I should let my boyfriend start his business with that money instead. However, I feel like if I do this, I'll always wonder if he is with me because of the money or because he actually cares about me.


I'm just so confused. Do you think I should help him? I really hate to see him this sad. One year is a long time, after all, maybe he will patch things up with his brother organically? On the other hand, I would really like him to be independent, not needing his brother or even me. Although, shouldn't I be there for him, doing whatever it takes to make him happy?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
I loaned money to someone I really cared about, plus helped him out in many other ways, including letting him move in to my home for a few months because of his financial situation. I know my help allowed him to get his feet on the ground and stay in LA. Four years later I am $6000.00 poorer and he is living with someone else who is expecting his baby, and most likely is paying most of the bills herself. DON"T DO IT, unless you're the type who has so much money you can light your candles with it, because you will never see it back.
Quriosity Quriosity 5 years
Unless you're seeing this as your investment as well, then you need a lawyer to draft up all the legal issues and what percentage you hold. If you are lending him money to do this, you need to be absolutely sure that he's serious about the business, he's committed, responsible, have a plan AND a back up plan. Example, how will he repay you if he used that sum of money and the business flopped? If you do decide to lend it to him, you have to protect yourself. Make sure you have legal proof that it was money lent and not given to him and that HE NEEDS TO PAY BACK! Verbal agreement doesn't count. After saying all that, I'd like to pass on the wisdom from an elderly: Don't lend money that you need, only lend it if it's disposable income. You don't want to be in the dump if you couldn't get that money back.
natasiarose natasiarose 5 years
I'm going to have to agree with everyone else, while the urge to lend him the money may be strong, not giving it to him will actually strengthen your relationship. If you give him the money he may feel inadequate and lash out and you may feel resentful that you have to put your own dream on hold to support his. And if his biz fails and he can't pay you back? That's not going to be great.
missbowie missbowie 5 years
Don't lend him the money. It's that simple. You two are not in a legally binding partnership or marriage, and from what you've said he's hot and cold. From his perspective, today it could be a loan, tomorrow it could be a 'gift'. However, if you feel you must have a lawyer draw up papers and when he repays you make sure everything is done through bank deposits (or another way in which there is a paper or electronic 'trail') rather than cash in hand so that if something bad does happen you can prove exactly how much he has paid back.
bisou002 bisou002 5 years
That idea is terrible. TERRIBLE. Focus on your career and your business, and let your boyfriend work it out with his brother.
Annie-Gabillet Annie-Gabillet 5 years
@spacekatgal Agreed.
steph1234 steph1234 5 years
Bad, Bad, BAD idea! He is your boyfriend. No!!!! Business and pleasure should never mix....Use this money as a way to jumpstart your life and career. Start your business, become independent. His issues with his brother are HIS issues...not yours and no amount of money will fix that. He can always get another job, but at the end of the day, his problems with his brother will still be there. Nothing good will come of this. You said you want him to be independent not need his brother or you....but yet you want to give him a substantial amount of money??? That just doesn't make sense...he still will not be independent. It sounds like you are a very nice and genuine person....but I think that the fact you are on this website asking a group of strangers for advice on this, tells me that you already know you shouldn't.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I think lending him the money is inadvisable. Starting your own company and having him work with you there seems like a better solution. If you do lend him the money, I STRONGLY agree with kariaamy that you need to work with a lawyer and draw up legal documents. I know you love your boyfriend, but your relationship does not have the same legal protections (or obligations, for that matter) as a marriage.
cutedez65 cutedez65 5 years
Because you are not married you should not just lend him the money. I understand that you want to help and dont want to see him suffer, but, it isnt your responsibility...yet. If you want to help, do what any good girlfriend would do, be supportive and listen. But until you are legally married you should not venture into loaning/giving him the money and even then there should be a contract in place.
karisaamy karisaamy 5 years
Unless you are going to go to a lawyer and draw up papers in regards to you loaning him the funds and what the payment schedule would be this is not a good idea at all. There needs to be a legal contract, even then I wouldn't do it.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Make it 8, I agree, giving the money is a bad idea. He needs to work his own issues, and money isn't going to fix them. I've worked with my sister through the years. We had lots of problems when we were younger, but after maturing, gaining more experience, finally came to be good working partners. There are always extra issue when you work with a sib. Had a boyfriend in the same story as yours. They have to work that out on their own. Let him know you love him, you believe in him. Emotional support. His starting a business will only succeed if it's his own money at risk. And the marriage thing, some married couples work well together, some don't. When you're taking money from family finances to start a business, you have to make sure it's money you can afford to lose if the business is slow to start, or is a write off. Nice thought, wanting to support him. Do it without the cash.
RoseAnglaise RoseAnglaise 5 years
The vote is unanimous 7:0 AGAINST giving your boyfriend the money. If you were married, it would be another story altogether.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 5 years
I agree, don't give him the money. You say you want him to be independent but if you give him that money he'll be dependent on you. If his ego is taking a beating because he works for his brother imagine how he'll feel when his GF has to fund his business. Id say if you were married maybe split the cost 50/50 but until then keep your funds seperate.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
From what you've said, he hasn't asked you for any money. Nor has he asked for help with his brother or career. Your instincts to support and love him are great and they say a lot about you. But "helping" him will backfire. It always does, and then you feel like HE took advantage of you or like he should be more grateful. It just doesn't work out like you think it would or should. To be supportive, communicate that you know he will figure out what to do regarding his brother and his career and that you agree with him about needing to get some space from the situation. It is up to him to figure out how to make that happen. No offense, but he knows what is best for himself, way better than you. Totally start your own business. Now that sounds like a great idea. Put your focus on what is best for you. That is where you are the uncontested expert.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I hate to be a debbie downer too, but yah, I'm with missmary and Bettye against giving him the money or loaning it to him (there's a reason why many advises loaning money to friends and family--even lovers--it can mess relationship up). Good luck.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
^^ Agreed, no ring, no $$$$$, no exceptions.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I'm going to be the Debbie Downer here and caution you against giving him the money, or at least a huge chunk of it. He's not your husband. If he were it would be different. I would hesitate to give several thousand dollars to a boyfriend. So maybe down the road you two are no longer together, he's built up a nice business and you gave up on your dream. I hate to sound pessimistic, but as someone who has been through a divorce, I've learned that forever isn't a guarantee and I'd hate to see you lose out on something for yourself and regret it down the road. Good luck with your decision.
Diana0504 Diana0504 5 years
Think really good about this. If you love your boyfriend and you're sure about your relationship and its future, it would be a nice gesture to help him out, but in regard to his situation with his brother, don't get between them. Be there for him, support him, but let them figure it out by themselves. Don't rush into anything... and when the time comes, you can talk it out with your boyfriend. Maybe he wouldn't accept your money anyway. Maybe you can work out a plan for him to repay you. Don't decide now what you're going to do :-)
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