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Should I Be Talking to My Ex?

"Confused About My Current and Ex-Boyfriend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I loved my ex. We broke up a while ago and I still have some sort of feeling left for him. I started dating a new guy recently. I like him and he's sweet, but I feel like he's more concerned with partying and hanging out with friends than having a girlfriend. The other day we planned to hang out and when I got to his place, he had friends over and they were getting high. I am against smoking and drinking so I felt disrespected. That's just an example of my current boyfriend's downfall. My ex and I have been talking recently because we can finally be civil and friendly. It just messes with my head because one minute he's flirting and sending me signals, then the next minute he's just acting closed off and uninterested. I don't know what to make of it. It brings up old memories and then I start to feel nostalgic. I like my current boyfriend, but a part of me wonders "what if" with regard to my ex. Can someone give me some clarity/advice?

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Silje Silje 5 years
I don't know about your ex, but your new boyfriend/date-guy doesn't sound like the man for you. You like him, yeah, but you don't like the things he does or how he acts towards you, and to me that's a sign to get out while we're all still young. In that way, if you feel the need to pursue the relationship with your ex, you are free to do that. And if not, you are free to find someone else to date and be happy with. Preferrably a non-/lite smoker/drinker. Who respects you. And wants to be in a relationship. With you. (And let's face it, what guy wouldn't?)   Best of luck finding out what you want to do :) 
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Feeling love for an ex is just that -- it's an emotional imprint. It's not a command from above to get back together with him or a signal he's the one. You need to find a man that you are happy with. Which apparently isn't either of them.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Why did you break up with your ex? Do those reasons still exist? Things don't change unless we work to change them....things like whatever your reasons were for the breakup. Breaking up doesn't mean that we all of a sudden, lose the feelings that had us together with that person in the first place. But there was something that was more important than those feelings, something that was keeping you from staying together. What was that? You have doubts about the new guy. So why are you will him if you have doubts? You say you feel disrespected. Have you said that to him? I have to agree with Bluejay that this new guy seems like the rebound. I don't think you've given yourself the time you need to heal from the first relationship before you stepped into the new one. Breakups take time to process....emotions take time to process....there's a grieving process, and a refocusing on self that needs to take place, a rebuilding of your sense of yourself as a single, independent person. It doesn't sound to me as though you've finished either of those processes. I know it's sad and lonely after a breakup. And lots of us go looking for companionship from the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with that. But you're calling this new fella boyfriend....and you very rightly have doubts about him, since your lifestyles are different. You haven't really taken the time to date and really find someone who is compatible, trying too hard to fill that place your boyfriend filled in your life. I'd suggest you take some time to spend with your friends, family, and yourself. Take some time to examine your feelings, and your behaviors, your reasons for jumping into this new relationship and your reasons for regretting the loss of the first. Take some time.
bluejay17 bluejay17 5 years
You shouldn't be dating someone if you still have feelings for your ex. Seems like your current boyfriend is the "rebound" guy, and you're just starting to see that you don't really like him as much as you thought. Besides, as aquadave said, you have issues with his behavior and you seem to be thinking that you're not that compatible. On the other hand, the ex. As hennared says, exes are exes for a reason. Think of the reason why you broke up, is it a fixable situation or not? If it is, then maybe you should have a conversation with him about where you guys are going, and what both of you want. He may be flirting with you and texting you just to see if you respond to it, even now that you are seeing someone else. This could be a case of "now that she's taken, i want her back". When we break up, we have a tendency of wanting to get back with our ex just to return to that comfort zone and the safety of being with a person that we already know, and not because we love them for real. The dating world is hard, and we tend to compare every new person with the last one. When they don't meet the criteria, we let them go, and seem to remember everything that was good about the relationship, and not the bad things, like the breakup reasons. We try to get back to the comfort zone.. And that is wrong because we do that for the wrong reasons. So, try to think, are you willing to get back together with your ex because there are real feelings? Or is it because you feel lonely? Depending on your answer, you should break up for good with both of them and stay alone for a while. The right person will come along eventually. Good luck.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
#1 you have major issues with your current that you should not let go of non drug/ drink morals. you need to tell him if he stays they go. Now the ex probably still likes you with his flirting but then he remembers and reverts back to you have a guy, so he's trying to stay respectful. see he's being nice by being closed off because you got another guy and he is staying out of the way
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