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Should I Trust Him?

"I Ruined Everything"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

First off, I need to say that I completely understand that all the things that happened to me were my own fault and I need to work on myself.

I have been with my BF for a year now and I am in love with him. He also (used to) tell me he is madly in love with me. Through this year I have seen some strange behavior from him, indicating that he was cheating on me. And add to these the strange feeling that sometimes hit me that he is cheating for sure. But NEVER did I have an actual proof.


So every time this happened, I acted like a 15 year old and confronted him. The first few times he defended himself and told me how he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me and would never cheat on me, after some time he got mad but still tried to prove me wrong and not let me go.

But this time, he is changed. And this time the signal that he was cheating and his strange behavior and unmatched words were stronger than ever. He said things that even a 5 year old could tell he is lying. But still, I couldn't prove it and he could brush my words off with just any excuse. This time he did not try to calm me down, he was furious and told me he is tired. Told me that I wasn't perfect myself and I have phobia from people hurting me and when problems come I act like a toddler.

His behavior and his not trying to win me back and his coldness making me believe that he must be seeing someone and heading off to something serious and that's why he is not trying to fix things. It's stupid, I know. But I am stupid.

I don't know how to fix things now, I tired to break things off, because no matter what he said, I still think he is cheating. But again, he accused me of leaving when a problem shows up between us. I thought maybe by apologizing and confessing to my fears, mistakes and insecurities, maybe he would come back and stop being so cold to me. But he didn't. He is as cold as a stone and this is so new to me. I am so used to seeing him worshiping me and pampering me all the time. I can't take this anymore. And if I want to leave and work on myself, he would call me a quitter.

I know I ruined a wonderful loving relationship. He used to call me flawless and say I am the most easy going and charming. We used to worship our memories together, but last night he told me I ruined everything for him.

What should I do? About not trusting him? About believing that he is lying? And about him being distant? About hurting him? How should I fix things?

Is there anything I could do if I want this relationship to work again? Should I let him be for now, to clear his head and wait for him to call and come back? Or should I show up and tolerate his cold behavior in hope that he will be back soon?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Northeast802 Northeast802 5 years
After reading your post, I was brought back to a past situation with my last boyfriend, one that was not good. In the beginning of the relationship, things were amazing - we couldn't get enough of each other, the sex was hot, the conversations and date nights were plentiful, and life was good. Somewhere, things changed, and he ended up cheating on me with his ex girlfriend, not once, but multiple times - and the only reason I found out? She told me. I decided to stick it out with him because I loved him and figured his cheating was attributed more to his situation with her and the child they had together. Fast forward - after agreeing to stay with him, I changed. I didn't trust him anymore. I wasn't carefree or spontaneous like I was before the shit hit the fan. I constantly doubted him, even though he swore he would never do it again. So, I let the reigns go, and guess what? He did it again. 2 weeks later. I stayed. The next several months were hell. Every argument would stem from me having a feeling that he was cheating - he would "work late", his cell would be off, he wouldn't return emails. When he would come home, he would be in a foul mood and the sex went from actually making love and enjoying each other to straight sex - just so he could get off. He would constantly tell me how miserable I was, and that it was my choice to stay with him - that I was no fun, that I was boring and stale in the bedroom. Last time I's hard to get amped up over being with someone who has cheated on you. I eventually ended it for good when I found out that he had also been cheating with 3 other women...and that was almost a year later down the road. You know what? If you have an inclination that he's cheating on you - and he's started getting angry at you about it - he probably is. You don't have that inclination with someone who's being honest with you. Bottom line - listen to your gut. It's  smarter than you think. Life is too short to live it this way. Let him go, hard as it may be right now. And work on yourself for a bit. There's a plan for all of just have to trust in that.
jaan_black jaan_black 5 years
 kryptonite to men = an insecure woman...if you really think he's cheating, leave him (you don't have kids)...if not, get some professional help b/c you clearly don't feel very good about yourself to constantly pester him with will defend themselves 1 or 2 times but after that, they tend to say "fcuk it" and either DO cheat (why not, you're already playing prosecutor, judge and jury in your own mind) OR they'll have a very "whaaaatever" attitude towards you said, it IS you and it's not fair to put him through this b/c of your mind playing tricks on you...sorry I'm not on your side but this does sound soooo junior high to me as a married woman...learn to trust or get ready to be alone b/c besides a few sexual experiences, no man will stick around for the mental beatings (and neither would YOU, think about it)...good luck and I really do suggest therapy or a makeover - something to make you feel like you're worth him not cheating
Iliy Iliy 5 years
This is a difficult situation for you, and I can tell that only because I've had a couple of similar situations myself. Actually, the only two serious relationships I've ever been in were similar (at one point) to yours. The first one was with my High School lover. He worshiped and loved me like no one else. Or so it seemed. I started to be suspicious, just like you, that he was cheating. For months I had these fears and not only once did I confess them to him. Just like in your relationship, he defended himself and sustained he would never ever "cheat on me or hurt me in any way". Again, identical to your case, there was a time when he changed. Weeks later I found out he was actually cheated on me. I broke up with him. It's been over 2 years since that, and he still wants to get back together. Throughout those 2 years I could've gotten back together with him hundreds of time, but I didn't. I'm not sure if it would've been a good choice, but this is how I get to my second experience. It's actually my present relationship. You can imagine that after that previous experience my trust in men (and people, generally) was shattered. I get these strange feelings you were talking about with him, too. When I tell him about my fears, he defends himself, patiently, telling me he will never do that, but he never lost his temper in that strange way. He never lets an argument unfinished, although (as you said) sometimes even a 5-year could sense him lying.  But this time, I can tell the difference (not always, though). My paranoia may tell me that his behavior is sometimes strange and sometimes I do get those weird "15 years old girl thoughts" but this one isn't cheating. And I keep telling myself I should stop worrying or else I would end up just like you. You have to stop. Chances are he's not cheating on you and there's only so little things you can do right now to fix this. Let him take his time, and meanwhile you behave normally. If this "time" takes longer than it should, I think you know what's wrong. But if he comes back, it will only be because you gave him time to breathe. Let him breathe. I hope everything will turn out just fine!!!
Hello-Kitty-Lover Hello-Kitty-Lover 5 years
It's only natural to suspect your significant other is cheating if he is acting all weird and cold. In my opinion, this sounds like an unfinished story and its too early to draw a conclusion. I mean, you don't even know for sure that he is NOT cheating. What if HE IS and he is just acting in such a way that you would feel guilty (by saying you ruined everything) so that he can be let off the hook easy and he doesn't need to confront you and your wrath? I suggest that you find out what has he been doing. Find out the truth. If he is NOT cheating, then you might have trust issues. BUT IF HE IS Cheating, then the problem doesn't lie in you but on him. And HE will be the one who RUINED everything.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Good advice above, cut your losses and work on yourself. This situation is toxic regardless of whether or not he was actually cheating. Btw, whorshipping has the be one of the funniest typos I've ever seen.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
There's no way for us (or you I guess) to know whether or not he really cheated. I will say that before we divorced, my ex was constantly accusing me of cheating without any basis. It got me fed up to the point where I couldn't even look at him anymore. Thus I can kind of see where your (ex?) boyfriend is coming from. You can't be with someone who has no trust in you and eventually you just turn away from them. Assuming he really isn't cheating, then you have crossed the line with him time and again an he likely can't deal any more. As stated above, your best option would be to leave the situation, at least for awhile. He obviously doesn't want to be with you right now. There's a quote...If you can't save your relationship, at least save your pride." Don't do anything more to win him back. Cut contact and get yourself together. This isn't a healthy relationship and you need to work on building trust and self confidence, so that you will be ready to fully love and trust someone. Good luck.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
Honestly, it sounds like he got tired of trying to prove himself to you,and always being distrusted. You need to put a lot of work into finding out why you have those feelings.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Should have been: They get you hooked on being flawless and perfect, then suddenly take it all away saying you've failed them in some horrible way. And then you end doing anything to get their worship back.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
"he used to call me flawless and say I am the most easy going and charming. we used to whorship our memories together, but last night he told me I ruined everything for him..." putting someone on a pedestal and then suddenly making them all bad is one symptom of 'borderline personality disorder' They get you hooked on being flawless and perfect and doing anything to get their worship back. If this is his thing, don't make it yours. This can get very dangerous for your mental health. You might want to check out lists like this: You might not have done anything but discovered you're involved with someone that is damaged.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
I would say that now is not a time when you can handle a relationship. It sounds like you have trust issues that are in serious need of attention and help. I would let this guy go and learn from your mistakes. Perhaps he was cheating and you were totally right to confront him multiple times and he simply kept lying about it and making sure you couldn't prove anything. Perhaps you were imagining it all and he simply got tired of trying to prove he's faithful. Either way, it's a toxic situation and better if you excise the necrotic tissue (to use a Grey's Anatomy reference, lol). Get good with yourself, your family and friends, your peers and coworkers, etc. Once you can appropriately trust people again, then try your hand at another romantic relationship, but until then I would highly recommend remaining single. It's a lot easier to work on these issues when you're single.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
The best thing to do is to end the relationship. All the times you thought he was cheating, whether real or not, show that there is a disconnection between you two. That alone is enough to end it, end your misery of worry. To me, it sounds like he has been cheating, particularly how he has changed toward you. Move on and forget him. Find someone who loves you enough to trust all of himself to you and to believe you first, and take your concerns as first priority to resolve instead of blowing you off.
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