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"What Do I Do About My Boyfriend's Ex?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years; we have a great relationship and are very in love. The problem is that he currently lives with his sister whose only friends are his ex-girlfriends or girls who are currently interested in him!

It all started when we first got together. His two most recent ex-girlfriends became her new best friends. They both tried breaking us up, they meddled with our relationship, and they were constantly all over him — definitely attempting to cross some emotional and physical boundaries. They were constantly at his apartment trying to spend time with him — often while intoxicated. My boyfriend told his sister he was uncomfortable with them around, but she wouldn’t listen and they began to gang up on us. His sister is nice, but incredibly inconsiderate once what she wants isn't working out. I cannot even begin to write how much back and forth there was and how many immature games were played; there was so much drama that just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. Finally things began to blow over once he realized there was really no compromising with his sister.


Then a few weeks ago his sister threw a party while he and I attended another party elsewhere; he locked his room and asked her not to let anyone in. Somehow one of the previously mentioned ex-girlfriends made it into his room. She lost her virginity in his bed with her new boyfriend, slept there all night, and stole our brand new box of condoms. This, of course, infuriated us both!

So, as if there wasn’t enough drama, a new girl has been thrown into the mix; his sister’s new best friend is one of their co-workers. My boyfriend said he had a suspicion that she was into him because she always follows him around and asks to hang out. I have met her twice and both times she has been way too comfortable around him, hangs on every word he says, and is always making eyes at him — even in front of me! It's obvious that she's into him and if you need more proof, his other co-workers have picked up on it too.

So what do I do? I am so tired of girls who are into him — and often drunk — being at his house constantly. I know he would never cheat on me but I can't deal with this anymore. His sister won’t listen to either of us and it’s ridiculous that he can’t just go home and relax on top of the fact that I always have to be wondering what some gross girl could be up to. I have put up with it for too long and I just don’t know how to handle this anymore. Does anyone have some advice?

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CiaoBella01 CiaoBella01 5 years
Agreed. The issue is not the two of you. It's his sister who does not respect your relationship. It's unfortunate that she's putting her social life ahead of her family, but what can you do right? I would recommend your boyfriend moving out and getting his own place, move in with his male buddies, or with you. Remove him out of that particular situation and you guys won't deal with all that drama. You can try to get him to temporarily move in with you for like a week and not see his sister and his friends. If that week is drama-free and makes you feel better about the situation, then him moving out is the right thing to do. 
fresh1721 fresh1721 5 years
Uhhh if it's this big of a deal maybe he should move.
dragonfireheart dragonfireheart 5 years
Yeah that is pretty creepy especially when his ex loses her virginity on his bed with another guy.... For you I don't think you can do anything other than support your boyfriend. This has to be resolved by him. He needs to find a way to clearly state he's off the market (but not burn any bridges here because co-workers can easily seek revenge). I think he needs to save up and move out asap. Have him sell things he doesn't need and move into a small apartment. He can still see and attend his sisters parties but I wouldn't recommend leaving her a key in the event on of the ex's/interested girls gets any ideas... because if I were in his situation I'd be freaked out and seeking for a way to flee. I wish you both luck in this situation you both find yourselves in.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
He's got a strange sister and he needs to move out
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Time, distance, and an insistence on change may bring the relationship to a healthier, adult place, but he is going to have to show here that there are consequences to her childish, controling actions if he wants her to choose something else. They are, each of them, getting something from this kind of interaction. Something that they've gotten from childhood. If he wants an adult relationship, he must act like an adult. It would be great if he can figure out just what he gets from his sister's meddling, interference, and control. Perhaps a feeling of "someone cares..." even if it's coming in a disfunctional form. Some work on himself is needed here. Encourage him to look into himself, and to make the changes is he's serious about what he says he wants in his life. best of luck to you all.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
He's an adult, he can choose to change his living space and work, just as Bi says. If the relationship with you is important, and if his own autonomy as an adult are important to him, he needs to break off this disfunctional relationship with his sister, gain some space, move out and work elsewhere. There is a dynamic from childhood working that needs to be sloughed off with adulthood. Your boyfriend is actually encouraging this behavior to continue by keeping himself in her environment. If he wants things to be different, then he is the one who has to change his behavior. She has already proven that she does not respect his space, his privacy, his choices, or his wishes. He needs to acknowledge that she refuses to do this, and move out, move on, just as he would do with someone he's not related to.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
so they live together and work together. boundary issues much? Your bf needs to figure out how to gain some autonomy and be an adult. If his sister won't respect his space when they're sharing a house, then he needs to move out on his own or find a different roommate. Same thing with working with his sister, I know jobs are hard to get and all, so moving jobs might not be as easy as moving to a new apt, but at least when he's at work he can demand that his sister and her friends all remain professional or he can take it to HR and file complaints.
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