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Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Dear Sugar
One of my best friends is getting married to a man that I despise. He has been both physically and emotionally abusive towards her and he has a history of cheating on her. I have always been polite and cordial toward him and remained tight-lipped about his behavior in the past.

I am very supportive of my friend, but I am very concerned about the future that she has committed herself to. I know she is in love and nothing any of her friends or family can say or do will make her change mind. She has asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and this is where I have to draw the line.

I do not feel comfortable standing up for this couple on their wedding day when I have so many reservations about the relationship. Is my standing up for them the equivalent of pledging my support? I want to be there for my friend on her big day, but I don't feel comfortable being a part of this.

Is it OK to skip out on a wedding of a good friend or should I suck it up and give her the support that I would want in return if such a big event was taking place in my life? Deep down I feel like I've been a terrible friend for not saying something sooner and I honestly don't know what to do - none of her friends do. Concerned Chloe

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Concerned Chloe
Yikes -- your friend's fiance sounds like a real schmuck. Have any of her family members or friends voiced their concern for her future with this man? How long has this abusive behavior been happening? Something tells me your friend has experienced this kind of treatment before which is why she is not running for the hills.

I think it is important for you to be honest with your friend. If you love her, you can't hold back your reservations about this man, especially if he is hurting her. Chances are this behavior will only get worse in time. Ask her to go for a walk so that you can talk with her about your feelings.

When you are alone, let her know how flattered you are that she wants you to be a part of her special day but you need to open up about your hesitations about her future husband. Talk to her in a nonthreatening manner as she is bound to feel attacked no matter what you say. Let her know how much you care about her and how you want her to ultimately be happy but you fear she is making a mistake and entering her marriage with a blind eye.

You could easily keep quiet and accept the bridesmaid role but you owe it to your friend to voice your concern. Love is oftentimes blind and she might just need a jump start to see clearly. Reassure her that you only want the best for her and make sure she knows you will be her friend no matter what. Hopefully your friend will take your concern to heart and break up with his man before saying I do.

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