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Staying in an Unfulfilling Relationship

"Why Do We Stay in Unfulfilling Relationships?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Often, we see proof that it's damn difficult to find a nice, decent person as a life partner. Maybe that's why we see too many people settle for someone that they think has enough qualities. Sometimes, though, I wonder if these people are truly happy. Maybe the reason I wonder this even more lately is because I recently ended a relationship I thought wasn't doing me any good, because the person really wasn't making me happy. Even though he seemed like a nice guy to everyone, (he seemed to have awesome qualities, such as fairness and honesty; he was a family fellow, scheduled, organized, hard working, well educated), I saw those subtle details about him that made me uncomfortable, unhappy, bored, and uninterested.

He wasn't bad-looking by all means; he was a cute guy, but his personality just wasn't compatible with mine. We shared many similar interests, went to many events and visited places together, but it was that dryness about everything he did or said that drove me nuts! I thought that it would just get worse. As they say, whatever you don't like about someone will just get worse and worse as the relationship progresses because people don't change their habits so easily, much less their personality quirks. So, even though those things might not have been that significant to the others, I decided to end things, thinking it was only fair to me and to him to end things sooner rather than later.


Keep reading for the rest of this reader's dilemma.

Now that I am single again, I feel that so much pressure has left my shoulders and can't believe how much stress and pressure has accumulated while I was in this "unhealthy relationship." I am glad, now even more, that I ended it, since I wasn't even aware of how much stress I was under! It's funny, but sometimes, even seemingly small things can make our hair curl, and way too often we try to let it go because society or friends tell you that those are the things of insignificance — some petty matter. And we also try to convince ourselves that it's a petty matter, because we are aware of how hard it is to find a decent and good man in today's world. However, I am now even more sure that we really shouldn't settle and that it's definitely much merrier, better to be on your own than in a relationship that doesn't make you happy and fulfilled.

So, it's not only physical or emotional abuse that is a good reason to let someone go, but also the absence of a good, healthy energy or vibe that is so necessary for a nourishing relationship. The problem is that, too many times, we try to overlook these things and try to make it work, focusing on the good qualities the person has. But it's just like cooking a meal with half of the ingredients; it just can't be good! I was wondering if some of you have had similar experiences and if you're in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship or opening the door to better opportunities.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
mrVinny mrVinny 4 years
You said so yourself, choosing happiness. There's "functional" happiness then there's dysfunctional happiness. True love and happiness is a balance between romance and companionship (love). The "nice" guy provides u great companionship but he is boring. The "bad" boy provides you great romance but he doesn't care enough to be in a real committed rlnship with you, ie: it's about the lust and not love. You'll eventually mature to be able to recognize and find a real gentleman, a guy in between "nice" guy and a "bad" boy to promote a meaningful rlnship. Until then most women are swinging from the extreme. A rlnship with a "nice" guy then a rlnship with a "bad" boy and the vicious circle continues until she is mature and ready to settle down as she understand that true love is a balance between romance and companionship. Bottom line, no one is perfect and it's not always about CHOOSING happiness but PRODUCING/MAKING your own happiness. In other words, meaningful rlnship requires work and compromises so don't expect mr.Perfect to come to you... that only exists in Disney world... you are part responsible in creating your mr.Perfect.
honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 4 years
Not necessarily unready to commit, but rather unready to settle for something that doesn't feel right and real. Some people have hard time being what or who they are not, it's tough for them to act or pretend to like or love someone even if the person seems stable or decent or 'all together' on the surface. I believe that the fluid is either there or not, can't force it. Some people fake it better then the others and have different expectations/maybe even idealistic. Can't blame them, it's just who they are. Be yourself, no matter what, and trust your instincts.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I feel like I've just read a page from He's Scared, She's Scared, a book that bubbles recommends, and that I've also read now. I really think you should give it a read, not because there is anything abnormal about feeling stressed about being in a relationship, but because you don't seem to realize that it's the relationship itself that was stressing, and not neccessarily your bf. No, you shouldn't stay in a relationship with someone when you're not happy. But girl, if you always depend on that other person to make you happy, instead of depending on yourself, you'll never get there. Read the book, you'll recognize yourself in those pages. Before you step into another relationship with a man with whom you share interests, and who has awesome qualities, be sure that a relationship is really what you want. It it isn't, that's ok....but know that about yourself, understand your own limitations and personal restrictions, and don't blame the guy for being whom he is, which I honestly think you're doing here. If there isn't any chemistry, then there isn't any chemistry, and it doesn't matter how great that person is. We need a connenction and that chemistry to want to stay together through thick and thin. But what I'm hearing isn't just a lack of chemistry, but a woman who was stressed and weighed down by the thought of being in a relationship, and who was hugely relieved to be out of the trap. Unless you can use some introspection and honestly recognize within yourself your fear of committment, you are going to keep on repeating this a great guy and then finding fault when the relationship gets serious, and breaking it off, feeling relief and then telling yourself, it was all about the guy. It isn't just about the guy, it's also about you. Take a good look at your situation, your feelings, your actions, and the book. It can open your did for me. Best of luck. I know this isn't the response you were anticipating and that you probably won't enjoy it, and may believe I'm full of crap....and maybe I the book. take good care
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