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Struggling With Relationship Deal Breakers

"Are Our Problems Deal Breakers?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been in a relationship with the same guy for a year now. Things were going well — he was respectful, smart, and funny, and we get along really well. Except for recently. The honeymoon phase is definitely over. He didn't do anything for my birthday — no card, no dinner, nothing. This really upset me, and I addressed it right away. He apologized and realized what a terrible thing it was, but he has yet to actually act on his words.

Because of this, I've pretty much put our relationship under a microscope, analyzing it and breaking it down. One of the things I've realized is that our views don't align on the subject of having children. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want to have kids., and he told me he used to not want children, but his views have changed as he's gotten older. He's nine years older than me, and he said that my feelings on children may change as well. I'm on the fence as to whether this relationship actually has any lasting power. Are these issues deal breakers in a relationship?

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Join The Conversation
henna-red henna-red 4 years
You are the only person who can decide what a deal breaker is for you. For me, it would be a serious deal breaker if someone told me he was going to do a thing for me, and then didn't. And it would be a deal breaker if any guy tried to talk me into something he knew I absolutely didn't want to do. Particularly something like having kids. Is it true that people can change their minds about it....of course it's true. Some people do change their minds. Some don't. What's important is understanding, as you head into a serious relationship, that if one definately wants kids, and one definately doesn't, you're looking at a built in time bomb. People like to think that guys can safely and healthily have kids for their entire's not true. Age affects the viability of sperm just as much as a woman's eggs and ability to carry a healthy baby. As we age, our natural ability to have kids, declines, as does our energy levels and desire to chase after the darlings.... Our bodies are designed to most safely have kids in our 20's, even if our culture shifts to wanting them a bit later, after developing our lives a bit. I decided, in my 20's, that I definately didn't want kids, for allllll kinds of reasons. Now when I was 38 or 39, and past the worst of my biological clock urging me to change my mind (hormones are hormones and evolution wants us to procreate) I met a guy I reeeeeeealy liked....a lot. And he definately wanted kids, big time. I have to say, I took a step back and asked myself if I was willing to reconsider my lifetime choice. I kept that thought in the front of my brain while I got to know him a little better. It turned out that I wasn't going to change my mind, and that was the right choice for me. But the power of biology and love is undeniable. I'd say it's a very good thing that you are taking a step back and using that microscope. Love is the start of a successful relationship, but it's not the only thing you have to have to make things work. Do you feel like this guy will be there for you, to support you physically and emotionally if you decide to get serious? Will he be there for you through pregnancy and child bearing and child rearing? For me, if he told me he'd be making up a lapse like the birthday, and then didn't follow through, I'd be looking for other instances of him walking his talk. A birthday celebration is a very small thing compared to raising what else has he said he'd do, and then not followed through with? Anything? Good luck with your analysis, with your relationship and life in general, girl
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