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Sunday Confessional: Am I a Horrible Daughter?

I am in my late 30's and am still having difficulty getting along with my mother. After college, I moved in with my now husband and never really spent significant time with my mother. She raised my sister and I on her own and while I know she did the best she could do given our circumstances, I still hold resentment towards her for our lack of closeness.

She is staying with my family over the 4th of July and I can already feel myself getting anxious and crabby. I have tried to make as many plans with other family members and friends to avoid spending alone time with her, but now I am feeling incredibly guilty for dodging my own mother. She has been looking forward to spending time with her me and her grandchildren for months now while I have been dreading it. Am I a horrible person for having ill feelings for my overbearing, over critical mother?


Join The Conversation
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
depends on what kinda stuff she does that she cant stand. but, forgiven, i guess.
apsara1 apsara1 9 years
Listen - many of us are there. Mother-daughter is a super hard relationship. My mom is now living with me (we built her an attachment) after dad died. She's healthy and strong (mid 70s), but - she's my mom, you know? And although she and my kids have a great relationship there are times where I don't even want to look at her. But... it's getting better. Grin and bear it. It's only for a short time, but don't hate yourself for finding her annoying.
artfashionmusic7 artfashionmusic7 9 years
i understand. :P i hear bout these type of stories..i think its
JessBear JessBear 9 years
I think you're kind of missing the point and being too hard on yourself. Everyone gets antsy when family comes to visit, and when they're staying at your house instead of a hotel, it's very easy for tensions to run high. You're not a bad person for planning ways to not be alone with your mother- because even if you're not alone, you'll still be TOGETHER, and maybe in those less-stress environments, you'll get along with each other better.
lesseryou lesseryou 9 years
My mom is bipolar and hard to deal with sometimes.. we really do not get along well. But i still have to tell myself "she is my mother, and she is my family". Keep her out of major events, but still keep in mind that she is your blood and she raised you.. nothing changes that.
onesong onesong 9 years
Not forgive. She's your mother and you will miss her when she is gone.
madtales madtales 9 years
Nothing else to add ! you are conscious of all your mistakes, it's the most important :)
Mantis Mantis 9 years
Forgivable, every mother and daughter relationship is different, but don´t you think you are a little old to do this kind of tricks, I mean, you can talk to her instead and try to solve problems in an adult way, but hey, that´s just me. Good luck when you have a kid!!!
WhatTheFrockBlog WhatTheFrockBlog 9 years
As the daughter of a critical and overbearing mother, I forgive and wish you luck!
PrincessAmes PrincessAmes 9 years
Totally forgiveable and normal to not want to be around your mom. I only see my mother (and father) so my child will have a grandparent(s). And so I won't have to answer questions in the future about where my parents are. I only hope that my relationship with my own lil girl is better than what my mom was able to give me.
noelleteresa noelleteresa 9 years
psh, not only do i forgive this, i encourage it.
paulinhadrp paulinhadrp 9 years
I'm sorry, but I think you need to grow up and get over anything that made you feel this way towards the only person who really and truly cared about you. She was not that close to you, probably because she didn't have a choice... she had to work her a** off to be able to raise you and your sister. And now that she wants to make it up, you can't even give your relationship with your own mother another chance???
Stella_Estrella Stella_Estrella 10 years
Forgive. My mother and I did NOT get along when I was younger. I've broken out in hives-no joke-from stress about visiting her. We get along much better now that I am older and have a family of my own. I realize your mom's come and gone already, so I hope her visit went well. One thing that helped me get over my anger and resentment towards my own mom was just accepting the past as just that and working on building a better relationship for the future.
nessabum nessabum 10 years
i think i can really sympathize with you. because i don't get along with my mom. i try not to be at home to avoid the terrible fights and to avoid being yelled at. i forgive you. :)
cashmere80 cashmere80 10 years
At least your trying. And as long as you are aware of these feelings you'll be okay. It's when you start trying to justify ingoring her or hating her that your in trouble.
calibabi calibabi 10 years
you're a grown woman. if you feel like you don't want to spend time with someone (including family members) you shouldn't have to.
mello mello 10 years
I don't know if you are a horrible daughter, but until you are in the situation she was in - raising two kids alone... you shouldn't judge her. It was probably harder then you could ever imagine. I would give her a chance. You don't see her that often and she obviously is looking forward to it. I agree with the above poster. You blame her for lack of closeness, but then don't want to spend time with her? I say it's time to stop blaming her and look at yourself as part of the problem. She's the only mother you'll ever have.
Beth1122 Beth1122 10 years
Forgivable, but I have to ask one thing. You say that you hold resentment toward your mother for your lack of closeness when you were growing up due to the fact that she was a struggling single parent. Then you go on to say that she has been looking forward to spending time with your family, but that you're the one that doesn't want to get close. Maybe you shouldn't be resentful towards her for your lack of closeness, because I'm sure it goes both ways. She probably is very aware of the fact that she didn't get to give you the childhood you wanted, but you are still young, and you should at least try, for her sake and yours, to mend that relationship. It is worth it.
Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 10 years
I said not. We don't know if she favored one kid over the other or what she's done in the past. I'm unsure if she's visited before and if she hadn't why not? Why this sudden interest in the grandkids?
trendyindc trendyindc 10 years
Forgive. You can't pick your family and sometimes they just do drive you nuts. If you don't think you can calmly tell her how you feel, write a letter then put it away for a week and reread it before you send it. As for the mother-daughter bonding, try doing something that you all can do together, but not like lunch where all you can do is talk. Maybe a yoga class or pedicure, so you can warm up slowly to the talking!
demeter demeter 10 years
Forgivable. I just think you and your mom need to have a much needed long talk.
Ster Ster 10 years
I say forgive, because - like most others apparently - I'm not unfamiliar with a strained mother-daughter relationship. But I liked Danni's idea. Find a common interest, something fun to do together. That'll take the focus off of the tension, you'll both be able to relax and maybe actually have fun. She's your mother and you only have one of those. So unless truly horrible things happened, it's always worth another shot.
lintacious lintacious 10 years
family loyalty is a concept that is ingrained in our brains by tv shows and american values. however, it is just a concept. you do not have to like your family, just because they are family. Also, being family does not make them a good person. there is absolutely nothing wrong with not getting along with a family member for a perfectly logical reason. I am going to assume that you have given her plenty of chances in the past, I doubt she deserves anymore.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 10 years
My mother (and father too) is pretty over-bearing and critical. I'm off at college and find myself really not eager to go home on breaks like the other kids. Sometimes, they just really don't know how they come off to you. So, it's completely okay to feel the way you do, given the circumstances. Forgive.
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