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Sunday Confessional: Boys Weekend Made Me Snoop

My boyfriend and I are very much in love, but he does a “guys” weekend a couple of times a year which definitely makes me feel a little bit uneasy. I think it's wonderful that he has such a tight knit group of male friends, but a few times a year just seems a little bit excessive to me. They travel to super hot spot destinations like Vegas, LA, Miami and New York and party their butts off. Whenever he comes home, he sleeps for an entire day!

I know they are just male bonding by playing cards, drinking and gambling, but I also know that they go out to clubs sometimes and dance. We are not young 21 year olds; I am 33 and he is 36. I try and be understanding about these weekends but if we get married is he going to expect to do this forever?

One day we got into an argument when I asked him if they go to strip clubs. I know that it's wrong, but my insecurities got the best of me and I went snooping through his blackberry a few days before he was leaving for Los Angeles.

I found an e-mail that was asking who wanted to pay extra to see a "ballerina." I know that most likely ballerina is code for stripper or dancer and my heart sank. At that moment I wondered if he would ever pay for sex? Now my own disturbed thoughts had me steaming, so I continued to thumb through more e-mails.

I found out that a friend of his is cheating on his wife and that another friend had a threesome last week with two women - neither which was his wife. Now, I just don't like these guys and I don't want them hanging around my boyfriend. If I confess, he'll know I was snooping, so I guess I just have to continue to trust him or end the relationship. Was it wrong for me to look through his private e-mails?

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AmorFati AmorFati 9 years
Probably it was wrong, but he had it coming. Forgive.
haribobear haribobear 10 years
I agree with appreciated...
SweetFlower SweetFlower 10 years
Hmmmmm it's just so hard for me to believe for second he's not up to something himself. He runs off to hot locales with the married friends who he knows cheats on their wives. And he's THE ONLY ONE who doesn't??? Well if he hasn't cheated, I'd be very concerned about the fact that he obviously condones the behavior.
cherrygirl77 cherrygirl77 10 years
I don't care how great or healthy you think your relationship is the fact is the only person you can trust is yourself.In this day and age with all the STD's by not checking up every once in a while you could be putting yourself at risk . If he has nothing to hide then why would he care if you grill him a little? I say thank God for the tecnology we have to find out what a person is doing, or not doing behind your back. As long as your not doing anything illegal, or harming anyone physically, I say snoop away. Just don't let it take over your life. Plus if those are the type of people he choses to surround himself with, then he must not have to high morals's for himself. I'm not saying that he is guilty just because his friends choose to act like that. But is that the kind of friends you would want? Friends that cheat on thier spouses? Alot of the time people like tha want to bring other people down with them, because they are so unhappy with thier own life.
highsociety1 highsociety1 10 years
ishtar, that's sad that you feel that way about men. Sometimes our beliefs can turn into self-fullfilling prophecies, you know? Definitely forgiveable, but now you've opened up Pandora's Box. I am unconventional in the sense that I don't go all ballistic about infidelity -- to me it's much more of a practical thing. Like someone said, sex is deadly these days. My girlfriend is battling cervical cancer now thanks to her lying, philandering, piece of shit ex. This is definitely something you should discuss with him.
Padraigin Padraigin 10 years
How do you know he condones what they do? If you don't feel you can trust the guy, dump him. Snooping on him is an invasion of privacy and how would you feel if he did it to you? I may be unpopular for saying this, but yes. It was wrong to go through his private emails. I notice you don't mention whether or not you bothered looking through his sent emails while you were blatently violating his privacy. Why stop at reading his received mails? He could have replied that he wasn't interested in strippers and that his friends' affairs weren't cool.
Lea Lea 10 years
my boyfriend has some friends like this, and i always get uneasy when they ask him to go along for nights out or weekends away. but he knows what they're doing isn't cool, and even skipped his buddy's bachelor party in vegas because he knew there would be some events going on there that neither of us would be okay with. can you ask your bf to put himself in your position? would he care if you were jetting away for girls' weekends to hang out with male strippers and have guys hitting on you left and right? if he's cool with that, then i guess you know what kind of person he is.
Griffin73 Griffin73 10 years
If you can't trust your mate, then you shouldn't be with them. Trust is the foundation of any good relationship.
G-Lo G-Lo 10 years
Was it wrong? Yes. Have I done it? Yep. I'm not one to throw stones. I have to agree with Appreciated, though. Those wives need to know. Sex can be deadly these days. I don't have much advice for you, but my heart does go out to you. I know that this must feel like a pretty sucky situation. Whatever you decide to do will ultimately be the best decision.
appreciated appreciated 10 years
Forgive...I agree with many others up there. I would DEFINETLY tell the wives that you found out their men are cheating. If not for their health (protection? maybe not and possibly STDS,etc) then for their own damn good! lol Who wants to be with someone like that?! If one of them found out your boyfriend was cheating on you...would you expect/want them to tell you? That's how I'd think of it!
ishtar ishtar 10 years
I totally understand and you definitely would be forgiven in my book. i seriously don't trust men and think that you have to snoop...i know its sad but you just can't trust them, i havent met one thats totally trustworthy. like my ex once went to amsterdam with a group of friends and of course i was like what did you do and he was like i sat up in the room and the other guys did get prostitutes but i didnt (when i asked him). oh please, i found out later he got one too. to think a guy would be all nice and stuff like that while his friends are out partying is just not possible. my boyfriend right now knows that i snooped in his stuff once but i told him i had a reason. i thought that he was lying about not telling anyone about us when we started dating and i found out he did. it was most hurtful because he lied to me even though it wasnt over a big deal at all. people just arent the same to you behind your back, even the good ones. my friend also snooped once and found out her bf was cheating on her. also i feel like if he is hanging out with friends like that and not saying anything to you (like someone else said) about how morally awful they are, then he is probably playing you too. i would talk to him and tell him what you did. if he likes you enough, he will stay and would you even want someone who didnt like you enough?
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Jinx totally I just dont see a guy serious in a relationship hanging out with ppl like that with out at least giving his girl a heads up on there behavior so he knows she knows and there isnt any drama
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
How long have u been together? Wow I mean does he even want to settle down. Ud think that if he was serious these trips would stop. Maybe thats just me tho. Ur definetly forgiven. I forgive all snoopers bc if u feel the need to snoop, and ur not getting answers from them, u got to know somehow. Definetly talk to him and find out where his head is at. Theres not a point in showing him u are upset if he honestly isnt thinking about marriage. Doesnt excuse what he is doing ur his girlfriend and he isnt treating the relationship right going away that way. GL and dont let him blow it off like it isnt a big deal. Whats a big deal to u needs to be one for him as well. 36 wow thats just to old for that shit.
Jinx Jinx 10 years
Yeah, it bothered me that the guy seemed to have no issue with what his friends are up to. That makes me question his motives. To think he goes to Vegas and is a good boy the whole time his pals are carrying on, I don't know if I could believe that, but maybe I'm wrong.
ohsuri ohsuri 10 years
Yeah Jinx.. if you are friends with the wives I would freak. a lot of Stds are around!! YUCK!!! If your guy can keep that secret... I would really question his character. JMO
Jinx Jinx 10 years
Tough one, because of course snooping is wrong, but so is condoning your friends fucking around on their wives, especially with whores....
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 10 years
I think in this instance you are definately forgiven for snooping! You've confirmed your suspicions about the trips, and it seems like you and your boyfriend need to be having a chat.
FrugalFranny FrugalFranny 10 years
I understand why you snooped but when you do snoop you have to be prepared for what you find. If you don't want to know don't look!!! you need to work this out ASAP no point hanging around if u can't trust him
rkdub rkdub 10 years
I think that the thing that would make me most nervous is that he didn't tell me about what his friends were doing to their wives..... my bf has been cheated on before, and while he knows that I trust him, he seems to think that a full debriefing of how he spent every second of his time is a requirement (its not, I tend to get bored listening to all the mundane details) BUT he also fills me in on what all of his friends do that he doesn't agree with.... like a guy he worked with slapped his girlfriend, another guy is trying to cheat on his girlfriend, etc. The fact that he tells me what some of the scoundrels that he works with, lives next to, etc makes me feel good because I feel like he trusts me with that information..... like I really am truly his best friend! Your man needs to fess up on his activities, his friends, and his faithfulness. My vote is dump him and find someone else.... if he has to be sneaky, and gets mad for you asking questions (why can't you be curious....a trip is a big deal, and if he were a good boy, you would be excited that he gets such an awesome opportunity to travel!!!), he def is not worth the time.... Another question though - Are there ever group trips with all of the couples? Or is traveling in groups only ok with the boys alone?
Adriana42 Adriana42 10 years
Right on Shiloh!
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
Yes, its wrong. But, I guess that doesn't make what he's doing right either. One of the married guys I used to work with would do this kind of thing with his brother. One time, he flew out Friday morning for the weekend, and flew back Friday afternoon. I have no idea what was going on but he wasn't comfortable with it and he left. I guess that has nothing to do with advice, but at the time it seriously impressed me and it stuck with me.
bubblygirl bubblygirl 10 years
u need to talk to him and just talk no arguements just a sit down and have a heart to heart and u need to tell his friends wives that they r cheating b-cuz that is just sick i think and if u snoop ur just going to wonder more and more and feel like total and complete hell so u need to talk to him
colormesticky colormesticky 10 years
I like M155 J4CK13's idea. Just pretend you're using woman's intuition and tell him his friends seem like a bunch of cheaters who probably use these trips for an opportunity to be unfaithful. You don't trust any of them- they "give you a weird vibe". Muahahahaha. And "ballerina" might be slang for "prostitute". Ballerinas used to be considered prostitutes and it was obscene for young girls to see ballet, if your boyfriend is clever enough for such a historical reference.
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 10 years
I would absolutely be insecure if my boyfriend was going to Vegas and other such places without me. If he intends to act this way when you're married, I suggest you don't waste any time and lay your cards on the table now. ie: "When we get married I hope you won't still be doing these things, because then I can't be with you." His friends are cheating on their wives and I'm sure that influences your boyfriend. If you don't want to tell him you snooped, try saying something like "I don't know them very well, but I guarantee they don't stay faithful to their wives when you all go away on these trips." See how he responds. Worse comes to worse, you could just tell him the truth. "I looked through your blackberry because I am curious to know what you do when you go away. It makes me feel insecure." He's 36 years old. Time to grow up.
angelbaby angelbaby 10 years
talk to the boy-key word-boy he is almost 40 years old
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