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Sunday Confessional: He Chose Someone Else, But Wants Me Back

Less than a year ago I started casually dating a guy I met through a friend. We lived just over an hour apart, but when we were together we had a great time. We talked once a day and I saw potential, but we weren’t an exclusive couple. Two months ago he was in town visiting our mutual friend and myself, and as soon as I saw him I could tell that something wasn't right. He was acting very aloof and he’s normally quite affectionate.

As soon as we got a moment alone, I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he had started seeing another girl who lives closer. They weren’t serious yet, but he really liked her. Of course my feelings were hurt, but I told him that I understood and asked him to go stay with our friend for the night. He acted completely shocked and very upset that I wasn’t letting him stay the night with me and had the audacity to try to kiss me after giving a speech about making it work with the other girl!

Needless to say, I promptly kicked him out. We didn’t talk for a while, but he was here last weekend and we ended up spending a little time together. Nothing happened between us, but he told me that things hadn’t worked out with the other girl. He now calls me and tells me that he wants us to be together officially, but I still feel wounded that he chose someone else over me, and I’m having a difficult time trusting him since he put the moves on me when he was “with” her. Should I just get over all this stuff, write it off as mistakes, and forgive him?

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keiraz keiraz 9 years
are u member of answerology?? I have read a smiliar story more than once over there. Well, to ur advice, if u REALLY love or want him that much, and talked to him and feel that he's somehow excused, forgive. Otherwise, dump..there are lots of other fish in the sea!!
geebers geebers 9 years
I disagree with those that don't think this guy is wrong. Yes- they were casually dating and he was honest about this other girl. BUT the fact that he turned right around and wanted sex after telling her he wanted to make it work with someone else- THAT is what gets me. You have self-respect OP, you know what to do.
vmruby vmruby 9 years
He's playing stupid games with you.Unfortunately what he's doing is not a crime but it still isn't nice and people get hurt. He gets pissed at you for standing up for yourself and not having sex with him even after he had already implied that you were his second choice.It boggles the mind.... Give the douchebag his walking papers unless you have the time to put up with whatever attention he happens to throw your way at his convenience. Have more respect for yourself next time and avoid those types of so called relationships.They never last.
HazzaBazza HazzaBazza 9 years
How do you know he wasn't just telling you about an "imaginary" other girl to try make you jealous? It backfired on him when you told him to go stay with your friend so he put the moves on you. Then all of a sudden it's not working with the other girl and he wants you back on an exclusive/official basis. It's a lil sneaky, that's for sure!!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Asia nailed it... It's obvs. okay to screw with more than one person when you aren't exclusive, but he is just using this woman as backup, and he even wanted to get with her once he told her that he was going to be exclusive with the OTHER woman.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
Lets say you guys hit it off and down the road you guys marry. What're you gonna tell your kids about how y'all got together? "Well, Daddy got dumped by this one really hot chick, so he decided he'd settle with Mommy while he licked his wounds." "And Mommy didnt think she was worth being wooed properly, so Mommy decided to settle with him, too." :ROTFL:
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Wow, this guy sounds like a real doofus! I vote to not forgive because you deserve better than to be some asshole's second choice. How much do you want to bet that this girl ended things with him when she realized what a selfish loser he is. So now he comes running back to you. This guy knows that you like him and so he wants to take advantage of that to get some ass! If you are going to think about him and regret your chance, then consider it. But I say if a guy will do this to you once, he will do it again. What happens the next time some girl who lives closer to him crushes on him? He'll ditch you pronto again. I have been through this, if a guy will go for another girl once, he will do it again. Good luck.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
Tell him you dont like LEFT OVERS and that he can go RECYCLE himself somewhere else. Dont waste another minute on this douche, and go find someone who knows the second they lay eyes on you that you are a gorgeous find. Never be a Plan B :P
jaxon jaxon 9 years
Yea, I'm not getting all the hate on this guy. It sounds as if the OP was doing what most women do. Get all possessive when she has no right to be. He was not exclusive with her or you. So if he usually got some action from her why would anything be different this time. The only reason he's the bad guy, is b/c she was catching feeling from a casual FwB and when he was doing what he was supposed to do (date other people) her feelings got hurt. Why not trust him? HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE OTHER GIRL!! If he would have hidden it then I would wonder why. But he told you b/c he had no reason not to. YOU WERE NOT HIS GIRL. How does this make you 2nd best? He was never exclusive with this chick? But he wants that with you. Don't get caught up in your own drama and overthink this "problem". Stop being insecure and go for yours. Give it a shot! You know you've got nothing else in the works b/c you've spent all this time mooning over him. BUT..... PLAY IT COOL! Don't get all caught up and in love. Give it time...
danesh danesh 9 years
I dont know what should i say about this person.if he really love you ,he woulden,t do this job.....
karadisexo karadisexo 9 years
Don't. When it comes down to it he chose someone else. It happened to me and the relationship ended basically because of that. It's not worth it.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
You're having too much fun, Asia.;) But you're right.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
"hey, babe. homechick didn't work. . .so what's up with me and you?" LMAO. he must think you're a donkey. THAT is more offensive than anything else that happend.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
100% w/ Asia on this one. :D
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Just because they weren't exclusive, doesn't mean that he can get mad when she's no longer sexually available to him. Which is what he did, and that's what i see wrong with him and his behavior. If you have a girlfriend, don't try to screw someone else. He's only back because it didn't work out with the other chick. Don't think that he wont do the same the minute a better deal shows up.
TFS TFS 9 years
*******************never forgive a man when he dus this. EVER ever ever. i made that mistake with this one guy and no sooner had wed get back together he was making exucses to get rid of me, then a few months later he would come back and id stupidly forgive him. but not ever again.*******************
picoe picoe 9 years
Lol, Asia...you're my favorite. On the bright side with this situation...you've got options. Even if you don't get back together with this guy right now, he's not going to be totally out of your orbit. You two have a mutual friend, right? So...no rush. You've got time to take things back to just friends, or very casual (NO SEX) dating...and see whether this guy is really interested in a relationship now. But, in my opinion...while I don't hate him for casually dating multiple people at the same time (you two weren't committed and he was upfront with you about it), I wouldn't be expecting him to suddenly turn into a sincere relationship-guy overnight. Sounds like the type who'll always have an eye out for a better deal, unfortunately.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
sorry for the ubber-long post. i talk much faster in real life, so it never seems like alot is being said.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
the guy has a right to screw Jenny, Jill and Ja'quesha, but i'm not here to jump (or f*ck) when you get ready for me. This ain't the Bunny Ranch where you ring a bell and b*tches come running. exclusive or not, you should be treated with some kinda respect. but now that i'm thinking about it, the OP already screwed homeboy (IMO, i don't feel like you're a ho or anything so don't take this the wrong way), so in his mind (MAYBE. i don't have a set of nuts so i might be wrong); he got nook-nook from a gal out of town (nice girl. great smile. herpes free) who IS NOT considered his gf by any means. new gal (just as cool, but geographically more convenient) pops up, giving up the same thing. he thinks, "gal A [the OP] is a cool girl. i'm gonna be upfront and tell her that i'm gonna date someone else exclusively instead. she'll be cool with it". so he tells the OP, and she feels a bit sh*tty (naturally,ESPECIALLY of she gave up some poon). but this guy expects to spend the night???? sounds like to me, he always intended for you to be the "jump-off girl", where you probably felt like there was some potential (over time and getting to know each other better of course.) for things to be more. you were suppose to give him some "last hurrah"/"out of town jump-off" sex. you putting him out may have lead him to believe that you were just being an over-emotional chick, and he left it alone . . . UNTIL him and the other girl didn't work. (cue the jump-off girl) and that's why he's back now. heck, maybe he IS into you more so now, who knows. like i said before, i don't knock the guy. he's ambitious. he strives to have his cake and eat it too. you just need to make sure you're on the same page. i DO feel that he might have a bit of an inflated ego. so it's up to you if you want that or not. i wouldn't. too dangerous. have b*tches on the porch cryin' and sh*t. good luck.
injustica injustica 9 years
While I think that you should forgive him for sure, don't be too quick to completely trust him. It was one thing for him to start seeing someone else while you two weren't exactly 'exclusive', but it's a completely different issue that he tried to kiss you while he was with girl number two. That just shows what he could do while he's with you, especially if he lives in a different city.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Forgive him. You two weren't exclusive so he had a right to choose someone else. I would tell him that you'd like to be exclusive if you got back together and you'd have to make things work so you could see each other more often.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
You received some excellent advice. I think this man is untrustworthy and overly self-centered. I think he mistreated you, too. He told you he was seriously interested in another woman. Then he was upset with you because you didn't let him spend the night, and kiss you? WTF?? What does he think you are?? If I were you, I would tell him to get lost. Be glad that you weren't seriously involved with him. Choose a man who would treat you with dignity and respect.
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 9 years
i said forgive- guys can be lazy..one of the reasons my fiance and i held off for dating for so long (even tho we liked each other for months) was bc we would be in a three and 1/2 hour long distance relationship. if you were serious and he did that, then yeah, not forgive. but i wouldnt say he's scum because he wanted to date someone who lived in the same city as him. long distance (even just an hour!) isnt for everyone
Stacey-Cakes Stacey-Cakes 9 years
i'm having a hard time seeing what he did wrong. I mean, you two were not exclusive, dating multiple people, and he decided to get more serious with someone else. I'm not saying you should definitely get back together with him (that is dependent on your feelings about him choosing someone else), but i just don't think he did something that requires being forgiven.
emmebeth emmebeth 9 years
Easier said than done, but you obviously deserve more (and it sounds like you know it).
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