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Sunday Confessional: He Took Advantage of Our Time Apart

I was with my boyfriend for about nine months when circumstances forced me to move in with him for a couple of months. At first things were OK, but within a few weeks I noticed a huge change. He didn't come straight home from work to be with me and he always found a reason to spend time with friends. By the time I found a place and began the moving out process, we had hit a full-blown rough patch. I think he was resentful that I was living with him, and I was resentful of the way he took it out on me.

In the end we decided to take a break. Even though it felt like the right decision, I was devastated that it had come to this — we had been such a happy couple. During our break, we talked every once in a while, but we never got intimate. Finally he came back to me, saying that he realized his role in everything and wanted to make things work. Together we decided to rebuild things.

It's been about five months and things have been much better, until last week when a friend confided in me that during the time we were separated, my boyfriend was having sex with his ex-girlfriend. My boyfriend's excuse is that we were "on a break," a la Ross and Rachel from Friends. I see it as emotional cheating; we took time apart to see if we could fix things, not to see if we wanted to meet other people. He claims he really does want to make this work, but now I feel conflicted about who he is. He thinks I'm overreacting, but am I? Should I just forgive him for taking advantage of our break?


calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
dont forgive him. because, in rachel and ross's case, rachel wanted a break, not ross. and rachel gave more important to her work than ross. but in ure case, u both wanted a break. ross didnt want a break, he was depressed, later got drunk and slept with a girl. but ure guy, he wanted the break and slept with his ex, which probably was a booty call. whatever it was, if he loved u he wouldnt even have thought of doing it with his ex. the break was to get some distance to make things right. not to cheat. if he did that and says that he did it because u guys were on a break, he would probably do it if he goes abroad or away somewhere. i say, break up. if he loved u he wouldnt have done that as for me, i dont believe in breaks.
GScott86 GScott86 9 years
Please let me know how you handled this. I feel like I'm going through the same thing. Have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. And I love her so much. It's a bit complicated on the side, considering our families. Anyway, we broke up, took a break...w/e. Then she called me last night heartbroken, and told me she was with someone else, in less than 3 weeks. She assures me she felt nothing, she learned her lesson. She felt out of it when it happened, since apparently the guy took full advantage of the situation, from undressing to everything else. And she cried in the middle of it, and just left. I'm greatful she was able to tell me. I know I know I can get past it. But I don't know if we should give it another try. I love her so much, and she loves me, and we want us to work. But I just feel so unsure, that what if this happens again. What if we get into a fight while engaged or married, and she ends up in bed with another guy. I don't know what to tell you, but I'm hoping your love is able to get through it, but I know, you definitely can't let anyone take advantage of you in any situation, especially when they screwed up, regardless of being together or not.
Schaianne Schaianne 9 years
Sorry, if you were split up (taking a break, taking time apart, however you want to word it) I'd forgive him.
Mesayme Mesayme 9 years
"emotional cheating; we took time apart to see if we could fix things, not to see if we wanted to meet other people" they didn't have conversations... he had sex. That's running to another woman when he has problems with you. If you married him, he's definitely having sex with a coworker... Ditch that a$$hole! Let his ex-girlfriend deal with his issues, she's gloating right now as a matter of fact.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Ok, I gotta be totally honest with you here. Ummm.. he wasn't honest with you, you had to find out this information from someone else! That alone tells me that he is not worth your time or energy. He probably used the 'break' thing as an excuse to fuck around on you. Now he is acting surprised by your reaction. Perhaps he was pursuing a relationship with his ex and it didn't work out, so now he is crawling back to you, on top of lying? Either that or he was just using her as a fuck buddy. Oh, it is so obvious that he was not thinking about you or pining over you in any way, shape or form. (I am not trying to be mean here, just making you realize that you deserve better). Maybe he was already seeing her when you lived with him. Was she the 'friend' he was spending so much time with when you didn't know where he was? He sounds like a sleazeball. I would not forgive him if I were you. What does this say about his character? Obviously he does not truly respect you. Move on girl, and find someone who does.
mix-tape mix-tape 9 years
I went through a very similar situation with my ex. We were broken up, but ended up getting back together after 2 or so months. During that time he slept with his ex girlfriend from high school. I had a difficult time taking him back, but knew that he didn't technically cheat on me since we were apart. After trying to deal with the emotional stress of knowing what happened I just decided I couldn't take it any longer. We are no longer together. You will either learn to get past what happened and save your relationship or you can be like me and let it destroy it!
myystque myystque 9 years
I'm surprised at all the people who consider a break free rein to do whatever you want. To me, that would be breaking up, where both parties expect never to be together again. Unless it is explicitly discussed, a break to me would mean you are sorting things out, need time apart, but not necessarily with other people. Taking a break and hooking up with people to me is just guilt-free cheating. Also, I think nourche said it well: "If you're. . . in love with someone you won't jump into bed with the first willing [person], just because you're on a "break." I guess when I think of a break, it means I figure that the other person still cares, etc. Along with all the other issues, it seems like this guy isn't that great.
ehadams ehadams 9 years
I don't understand why you'd want to be with a guy who treated you like that when you were living togerher. There is clearly no future here. If he really cared about you during your break he wouldn't have slept with someone else. Move on.
bluestar bluestar 9 years
He sounds like an asshole....regardless of the break! If someone hooks up with an ex...that's bad news! Who knows how long those two have been going back and forth? DUMP HIM!
sarah100682 sarah100682 9 years
heres my take on a break...if you are on a break you are broken up...yes maybe you will come back together and re-evaluate, but if there are terms, you are not broken up. You are either single or not.
puddlesworth puddlesworth 9 years
He sounds like a selfish immature man. find someone better.
sarah100682 sarah100682 9 years
it doesnt matter what others think...there is no right answer. the question is, if you decide to forgive him, can you HONESTLY forgive? If everytime he says he is going anywhere you automatically think its to see his ex, or you are paranoid, or use it against him...then you might as well move on. If you can honestly FORGIVE AND FORGET then sure...but if not, you need to accept it and go forward. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to be together.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
I'm in agreement with a few of the fellow commenters. *honeysugar wrote: "any guy that goes back and forth between two women is not worthy of your time." *nourche added, "If you're. . . in love with someone you won't jump into bed with the first willing [person], just because you're on a "break". *vmruby wrote, "i don't quite get. . . how having sex with a former girlfriend is fixing things between the two of you." Neither do I, ruby. It doesn't seem like you wanted the break to be a full break from all involvement, but (rather) an opportunity to think things through and figure how you might be able to make things work -- or determine that they are not able to be fixed. You wanted emotional and sexual exclusivity maintained during a stretch of physical and social isolation from one another. But the two of you didn't communicate your expectations. That is not his fault. He cannot read your mind. I do not think he cheated on you, by definition. But I *do* think that any guy who chases tail during a "trying to fix things between us" break is NOT worth my time or effort. Plus, he was a tool when you moved in with him.
vmruby vmruby 9 years
I get the "taking a break" thing but what i don't quite get is how having sex with a former girlfriend is fixing things between the two of you.Sounds like a bunch of BS to me. Never, ever put yourself in a position where you become second choice for any man.Do yourself a huge favor and drop his azz pronto......
RubberDogTurds RubberDogTurds 9 years
It really depends on the kind of guy he is. If you aren't completely and utterly shocked by this behavior, then you may not realize you are dating someone that will hurt you again. If this is a very isolated incident that is not like him, then maybe he did just make a once in a lifetime mistake under too much stress.
skigurl skigurl 9 years
he's a douche plus, he cheated with his ex that just hurts leave him!
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
Asia hit that shit perfectly...I'm not sure if you should stay with that guy. Come on, he went to his thing to go to some random whore, but seriously? one is a no no, the other is a BIG no no. and apparently, he doesn't understand the process known as "talking". you know, where you voice your emotions, how you feel, and what you want in the long run. And if you feel that he cheated, then he did. Leave his ass and find someone better, doll!
nourche nourche 9 years
For me, the point really isn't whether you were on a break or not. The issue here is that if you really love someone you won't go have sex with someone else. If you're really, truly in love with someone you won't jump into bed with the first willing chick, just because you're on a "break".
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
I agree with Muirnea and Asia84. Couldn't say it any better than that.
Oops! 2nd to last sentence should read: Sh*t happens when you are NOT with your gf that will be hurtful if you happen to ever be "on again."
Aside from him sleeping with someone while ya'll were on a break, you should break it off. If things went completely downhill once you moved in, what's the point of trying to make anything work for the future? Living with him gave you a small taste of what the future (i.e. marriage) would be like, and he failed miserably. If he resented you for living with him, do you think that would change in the long run if he decided to marry you? In my opinion, if you can't see marriage in your future, what's the point of wasting that time? Also, it's not emotionally cheating when you sleep with someone else while "on a break." If you consider it cheating in the slightest, it was physical cheating. He had sex with someone else. That's a problem... This is why on-and-off relationships should just remain off. Sh*t happens when you are with your gf that will be hurtful if you happen to ever be "on again." Again, waste of your time.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
here's what bothers me; he had a "go to girl" RIGHT THERE. and it wasn't a one time thing, it was a relationship, right? and he kept it from you. this would make me wonder what else he was keeping from me. it's not that he wasn't entitled to get on with his life, it's that he wasn't forthcoming with you; you heard this piece of information from a friend. hope you're having safe sex.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I chose not forgive because any guy that goes back and forth between two women is not worthy of your time. If you really love someone you don't just sleep with someone else 5 minutes after you breakup. You need time to heal your wounds from the broken relationship before you move on. Obviously he had issues from way before because the way he treated you was a sign that something wasn't right. If you truly believe he's sorry and wants to work things out make sure his feelings are clear maybe you two should take things slow before making a full blown commitment again.
jenwils jenwils 9 years
Asia, the first thing I thought after reading the post was, he was prob sleeping with the ex BEFORE she moved out. So you're statement, "honestly, i think he was f*ckin' the Ex when he wasn't coming straight home from work" hit the nail on the head for me, although I prob wouldn't have said it in quite the same way. ;)
ladychaos ladychaos 9 years
I voted to not forgive him because he wasn't honest with her from the start. It's not about what he did during the break, it was the fact that before the break, he was pining for another woman, and well, instead of being honest about it, he lied and pretended it was you. It sucks that he's just not that into you, but it also sucks that he's the type of person that would hide things from you. Dump him girl, there's someone out there that's much healthier for you who is willing to love you unconditionally.
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