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Sunday Confessional: I Can't Stop Checking his E-Mail!!

Sunday Confessional: I Can't Stop Checking his E-Mail!!

My boyfriend and I were in a very serious relationship for about a year-
we were best friends and completely in love. However, he is a workaholic, so eventually it reached the point where I felt neglected when he would have to "pencil me in" to his schedule a week in advance just to see him. I basically told him that I wanted to be more of a priority in his life (not in 5th place behind your job etc) or we needed to break up -- so we broke up.

We were very close, so of course I knew his email password. However, this came to become a problem for me after we broke up. It's been several months since we have been separated and I am addicted to checking his email to see what is going on in his life. I have never done anything other than passively observe, however, I realize how wrong and stalkerish it is. But, I'm addicted and seriously don't know how to get myself to stop! I feel horrible about it every time I do it, yet I keep doing it. In addition, not only is it betraying his trust, but in a way, it really isn't helping me move on at all! I feel more obsessed than in love, and that makes me sick. Is what I am doing forgivable? Has anyone else been in a similar predicament?


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lola72 lola72 8 years
I was with my bf for over a year and I never knew his password till about six months into the relationship. I rarely checked his email until things between us got a little ugly. After the first time he broke the trust I had for him, I would constantly check his email. One day, I even told him and I mentioned an email that he received that I did not like. He got really upset and told me that I should not be looking into his stuff, but he never changed his password. Before that I created his facebook account for him meaning that I made up his password. We broke up since October of last year and he still has not changed his passwords!!!!!! I don't know if he is that stupid that he forgot or if he simple does not care or well, maybe he doesn't know i'm capable of checking his email/facebook. Since I was the one that broke up with him, i'm thinking maybe he doesn't think I even care about that stuff anymore. Anyways, finally when I managed to get back on my feet after the break up, one day I decided I was going to check his email/facebook just for the heck of it. Since then I feel more heart broken and I miss him so much. I feel like i'm starting right back from day one that we broke up. It's not healthy and you really need to stop if you ever want to move on. I am so lucky he has not caught me because I think if he did, he would probably never speak to me again.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
if u guys are still in a relationship, its okay to check his emails, to see if he has some other thing going on or so. but u guys are broken up. so u have no right to invade his privacy.
Phew!! At least I don't feel alone anymore. I do this too, my ex and I broke up a few months ago and I started looking at them last fall. I read some pretty awfull stuff and it hurt soooo bad, yet I couldn't stop. Now that we are really done I still find myself looking at it. We're still very good friends, and I admitt I still sleep with him, another big no-no, so when I read a new email between him and this new girl I want to throw-up, but I just have no idea how to stop. I can't ask him to change the password b/c he never even knew I had it. I feel ya girl. I think one day at a time just wean off it, say "I'll only look once today" and then "I'll only look once this week" and then before you know it you'll stop and be able to move on with you're life instead of being obsessed with his.
sgdish sgdish 9 years
First of all, move on! Secondly, if you open an email, he should know it, because it would be marked as read. If he figures out someone is accessing his email and contacts his provider, I believe your IP address could be tracked and you'd be found out! Of course, he should change his password, but that doesn't give you the right to snoop! Why do you care what the loser does...
laimar laimar 9 years
When I broke up with a boyfriend (now husband) I started checking his the day we broke up. I found out about some stuff he did in the last days of our relationship that he hadn't told me that really pissed me off and made me glad we broke up! Well, a few months later, he got deployed and we ended up getting back together. But I still had some major trust issues. It was hard to start over in a relationship with him leaving the country for a year and a half. I continued to "obsessively" check his e-mail through his deployment. I never found anything more than annoying... I continued to check it once he returned, more for entertainment than out of distrust until I realized last fall that he was planning a surprise engagement to me and I didn't want to know what it would be. I haven't checked it once since then, in about a year, and I have absolutely no urge to now. I don't know if it's b/c we are married or because I never found anything, but I completely trust him and have no interest in invading his privacy. I also caught a cheating ex-boyfriend by checking his e-mail so that might have encouraged the bad habit. Maybe its a personality trait? A really ugly one obviously... I don't know, but I know I'm a lot happier now that I don't do it anymore. I definitely feel better about myself and don't feel like I am hiding anything from my husband...I am also not as paranoid that people are doing the same thing to me. Funny how you suspect others of doing the same thing you are doing to them...
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
Wow, totally unforgivable. if I ever found out someone I dated was reading my email (I have ways to check access), or hacked into my facebook account, I would pursue legal recourse. His personal communication, whether it be from work, banks, friends, humps, or family is not and never will be any of your business. Stalking is not an attractive personality trait, if the post was about finding out a guy was doing this to the girl's email, the responses would, no doubt, be to call the police. Ladies who do this, have some respect for yourself and move on from a relationship that has ended. For those that justify the action because you found out something. Perhaps if the ex knew about your stalker behavior that, as someone wrote, would have also 'hastened the breakup'?
Yibiya Yibiya 9 years
I'm doing it. But we just broke up last week. I was doing it while we were in the relationship for over a year. I'd say it even hastened the breakup, because he confirmed all my worst fears in his emails, but I was in denial and refused to believe he wasn't all that into me, just demanded more and more from him, which he didn't want to give, of course. The stupid thing is I really only have one password that he gave me, but because his Myspace Facebook emails whatever all use the same password or a very simple variation of it, I can still get in! I'm trying to stop because I know it's very wrong, and I will soon, but I guess on the upside it's made me very paranoid about my own internet security and I try to change all my passwords at least once every couple of months...My ex has had the same password for at least FIVE YEARS now *rolls eyes*
rashell rashell 9 years
i do this to my boyfriends myspace. it's life.... you're not alone.
BlueRain BlueRain 9 years
I am so glad other people do this! I don't feel like such a freak now :-) I did exactly the same thing, until I hinted to him that I knew his password, and then he changed it. Thank goodness. We don't talk anymore, and I'm glad I can't check his email now, even if I wanted to.
scoop45 scoop45 9 years
U gotta stop! Lol
apsara1 apsara1 9 years
As him to change his password telling him that the temptation to check it is too much for you. It's not a "not forgive" thing for me , but more a "Seek therapy" thing.
wow girl.. i currently have my babydaddys password to his email and myspace account. i check it every now and then but at first i would check everyday! i would log on being soo scared that someone knows or dat i would find sumthing out. i will take others advice and stop. i DO wanna move on. i love him and he is my BABYDADDY so we might sum day get back together but i think hell be super pissed. well girl i forgive you if you stop adn dont worry im with you!
softness softness 9 years
I used to do this all the time with my bf, both when we were together and after we split. We had some really bad issues about this one chick he was friends with that kept trying to get in between us; I'd be logging in several times a day to check if they were e-mailing or if there was a new girl in his life. After a while, I realized that I was just wasting my time, hurting myself by imagining all the horrible things that could be happening behind my back, or how quickly he was getting over me. I couldn't control myself enough to just stop, so I contacted him and asked him to change his password. It definitely helped me get over him! I find it weird that he hasn't changed his password, though. I mean, you'd think he'd realize that you knew what it was...I changed mine when I broke up :)
AZ-Mary-Mary AZ-Mary-Mary 9 years
OK I was fighting with my bf at the time and it was getting ugly. After we hung up on each other, I logged onto his email and changed his password to stupid a$$hole and then he had to call and ask me if I changed his password and what the new one was. I told him (felt good!)and it ended up being a pretty funny joke, but he had a REALLY good sense of humor and I don't think everyone would appreciate what I had done. That being said, you HAVE to stop. I agree with pop about the anonymous email. Help yourself.
keiraz keiraz 9 years
I feel for you girl
dammitjanet13 dammitjanet13 9 years
My ex-girlfriend did this to her previous girlfriend. She became addicted to reading her ex's emails while we were together and eventually we broke up. There were a lot of reasons for our split but one was because of those emails. She was obsessed and eventually our relationship was marred by jealousy. Because of her obsession with her ex and what she discovered in those emails, she had to tell me all about it. It was disturbing and I couldn't stand it.
Mantis Mantis 9 years
OK, to tell the truth I done that once, but just once, and I felt so incredibly guilty that I confessed and stopped. Gladly I was forgiven. But as you said, you are addicted to that, so I don´t think you should me forgiven, I you really are sorry, stop doing it, or tell the truth, come clean. And if you can´t, get help, cause what you´re doing right now is stalking. How would you like someone invading your privacy like that?
JuJuSugar JuJuSugar 9 years
Poor gal, I know exactly how you feel... I know a friend who used to do the same thing to make sure her boyfriend wasn't cheating on her with other friends because he's done it before... I think you've definitely got to stop before he finds out though. It's not only a trust issue between you and him but it's really a warning sign to yourself as well. Unless you stop, you'll never move on. And it seems that you're also feeling really attached to him still - otherwise why are you so interested in how his life is going? I think you've got to find out whether you've still got feelings for him. Then you need to resolve them - either by facing him or by moving on from him.
noelleteresa noelleteresa 9 years
bwahahaha! that sounds like something i would do. Still unforgiveable just for the creep factor but keep doing it anyway, who cares.
intensebandgeek intensebandgeek 9 years
I say forgive, but you need to stop. You'll never move on if you don't stop snooping.
paulinhadrp paulinhadrp 9 years
OMG! Girl, it is not good at all for yourself to keep doing this! Ok, if you guys were still together and he gave you his password, I would feel curious to check it once in a while, but now, how good does this make you? STOP, STOP, STOP!
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
I'd tell him to change his password, just casually send an e-mail maybe reminding him that he gave you his passwords. I don't know how that would work, really, but it would solve your problem. I used to obsessively check my ex's group blog with his friends to see what he was saying because I was completely heartbroken and devastated after our breakup. Also, I never trusted him so I wanted to see what he was up to. Eventually I stopped doing it. I'd get out there and try to date if I were you, and tell a girlfriend IRL about it so someone knows that you are still obsessing over this relationship. Your friends will help you out!
i-am-elle i-am-elle 9 years
Giiirl, you need to stop! I've been in a similar situation and it seriously is just holding you back from moving on. Even if you haven't seen anything "heartbreaking" in his e-mails yet, the day you do, you will regret it. It is inevitable that you will read/discover something that you are not supposed to know and it will only hurt more. I know it will take a lot of self-control to stop, but you must! For your own good and peace of mind.
Rain-Moon Rain-Moon 10 years
Are you crazy? This is totally unacceptable behavior. You need to move on and get a life!! Hate to be harsh but....
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