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Sunday Confessional: I Demoted My Matron of Honor

Dear Sugar,

I just got engaged a few weeks ago and I'm really excited to start planning my wedding. My best friend got married two years ago and I was her maid of honor, so it only seemed right to ask her to be mine. I thought she'd be psyched to help me with all the planning, but she keeps backing out on our appointments and when she does come along, she's not at all enthusiastic, which is making it less fun for me.

I saw her recently and she confessed that she's been having some problems with her husband, and they're thinking about separating. She basically said that marriage isn't as wonderful and romantic as it's cracked up to be. She then went into saying that she knows she hasn't been helping me with wedding stuff, but it's because she feels sorry for me that I'm getting married, and that I'll be stuck like her.

I couldn't help it. I blew up. Who was she to rain on my parade and compare her relationship to mine? I said that I loved her to death, but I didn't think it would be right for her to be a part of my wedding anymore since she wasn't supporting my union. She started bawling, mostly because she's so depressed about a possible divorce, but also because she was really hurt by what I said. Should I be forgiven for demoting her, or was I right to react that way?


Join The Conversation
bride2BEE bride2BEE 9 years
Absolutely NOT FORGIVE. What kind of friend are you?? Your best friend tells you her marriage is on the rocks, her life is falling apart, and she's despondent and upset, and you blow up on her? If i were here i would have fired YOU right then and there for being a wretched friend. Yes, she should be doing all the MOH duties, and speaking as an upcoming bride myself, with a difficult MOH, i understand the headache. & Yes, her comments were inappropriate and uncalled for, but for god's sake, look past yourself for 5 seconds to realize that she's in pain & maybe she needed a friend to help her. I hope she forgave you, but i don't think i would have...
tkoblondee tkoblondee 9 years
prentzel you said it perfectly! "Yes you should have told her that maybe she needs to focus on her life right now and doesn't need to be a part of the wedding, but there are a thousand ways to do that without hurting her so badly. She WAS your best friend, right? She's going through a rough time, and you need to support her just like you want her to support you." Enough said!!
NadiaPotter NadiaPotter 9 years
this is my opinion, mine and I don't want anyone to be offended. -she was the one who was "suffering" she was the one with the wrong head. You were the one happy, the one with the head on the wedding. Of course she feel sorry for you! for her in this moment marriage is so wrong and only make people sad. You were the optimist side, marriage is great and make people happy. So being harsh on you: you were very harsh on her! she has a problem, you haven't, on the contrary, you are going to get married! what she tell you was the feeling moment, what you tell her was a "I don't care because I am getting married and that is all I care" she is only depressed, I don't think she means it. I wish you the best!
I voted forgive you. The thing you need right now is a maid of honor telling you how big of a mistake you are making and that marriage is horrible. I don't think she got the memo of her duties!
TASTEthiss TASTEthiss 9 years
definitely forgive. there isnt much to add that hasnt already been said. she may be bitter because you are expecting her to take part in one of the happiest moments in your life while she is at her hardest. im sure she didnt mean it and while you are entitled to be upset you shouldnt have blown up on her. you both need each other right now. so kiss and make up. i think its fine that you demoted her. the pressure may be too much... but it isnt worth losing a friendship.
JMichele24 JMichele24 9 years
I think you guys need a heart to heart and you should apologize for flipping at her. It's not the best time for her to be your Matron of Honor obviously, so I don't think you are wrong for demoting her. But I think you guys shoudl be able to talk and be friends still.
cbgmick cbgmick 9 years
I think you both probably need to forgive each other if your friendship is important. She is clearly hurting a great deal and it's not surprising that she would have a hard time rallying around the bliss of someone else's wedding. You need to be understanding and empathetic. She shouldn't have said that you would be "stuck" (it's not a very loving and supportive comment), but she is coming from a real place of pain. Since you are in the position of strength (and happiness) right now, I think you need to reach out to her and apologize first and try to see about mending the relationship. Perhaps it's best for you both for her to play a more low key role in your wedding. However, remember that as important and special as it may be... your wedding is just a day and a celebration of the union that you and your husband have entered into. Don't get caught up in the whole "perfect day" thing or you are bound to be disappointed at some point!!
DCRoamer DCRoamer 9 years
Wow, that was really selfish. Some best friend you are - you lash out at her for 'raining on your parade'? Chances arem your marriage won't be perfect either (no one's is), so you shouldn't be so appalled and unsympathetic that your "best friend" is going through problems. On the plus side, you did her a favor. Now that she's demoted, at least she won't have to waste time and money being part of your 'special day'.
SugarKat SugarKat 9 years
I agree that you should be forgiven, but don't have her in your wedding. Every couple is different and she's not letting you be different than her!
Lovaajn Lovaajn 9 years
I think forgive. But to "blow up?" I think you TOTALLY overreacted. I can think of many different ways to talk to her about this. How about, for an example, you just explain to her how HARD it is for her right now in regards to this terrible time she's going through with her husband, and just ask her if she can't handle being a maid of honor? Yeah, it's your special occasion, but her life is about to be rocked negatively. I think you should be forgiven, but definitely a shame on you for being a Bridezilla.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
forgive and be there for her. you kinda blew up on her and she needs a was gutsy of her to go to YOU, the one throwing a wedding...she must not have other friends or anyone else to go to for venting.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I think you both need to forgive eachother neither one of you handle this well at all. Her comments were awful but that doesn't mean you can't be there for now that her own marriage is falling apart.
alltherage alltherage 9 years
i think forgive but that said i think ur being way harsh. sounds al ittle bridezilla. no ur friend shouldnt rain on ur parade. but hello her marriage is ending and she's depressed -- im sure she doenst wish u to be "stuck like her" but she's not in her right mind. and i do think u owe her an apology. u can keep the demotion cuz she probably cant help out now but it shouldnt be seen as a punishment for what she is going thru...
clarapl clarapl 9 years
Of course you deserve to have a matron of honor who supports your marriage and will be excited for you, and she should not have said what she did, but she is at really low point right now--not at her best. I'm sure she didn't say it with the intention of hurting you and regrets it. So, I understand your reaction and forgive, but still think you owe her an apology. I think JessBear and onesong both have really good advice. Neither of you acted very well, but you are friends and should try to understand and have compassion for each other, and "to understand is to forgive," right?
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
Forgive- she has her own things to worry about right now. Your wedding is obviously not one of them!
onesong onesong 9 years
HOLY BRIDEZILLA. I get being angry. I get being upset. But guess what? She's going through something that you cannot even fathom. If something like this ever happens again, try to have a little compassion. A simple "I'm so sorry you're going through this. Why don't you not worry about being the maid-of-honor, and just be my guest at the wedding. You don't need any additional stress in your life." Shame on you for being such a b*tch to your best friend. Seriously. If this is how you treat people you love, I fear for your husband. Not forgive unless you apologize profusely and tell her that you're stressed, too. I'd take her out for a good dinner as well and really listen to her.
terrywagner123 terrywagner123 9 years
Forgive, best friends are forever and hard to find, be there for her and she'll be there for you. Have a happy wedding.
jessy777 jessy777 9 years
Forgive. I would ask her to still have a small part in my wedding but that I would understand if it is too difficult for her. Also, don't forget what she is going through in the joyous months leading up to your wedding. Try to find time to be there for her and maybe you can help her see past her pain and maybe she will find a way to be happy and supportive of you before your wedding day arrives. I would hate to have my best friend not be a part of my wedding and I wouldn't be able to completely enjoy it knowing how miserable to she is.
Liss1 Liss1 9 years
I say forgive. Obviously you should be there for her and comfort her but she also isn't in the position to be happy about weddings and want to help out. She should definately be invited but she doesn't need to help out.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
Forgive. I mean you weren't right blowing up at her, I'm sure there was a betetr way you could have expressed your feelings and opinions...but this is your happy time and she should be supportive of you just as she expects you to be supportive of her.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
i think BOTH of you were in the wrong here - her for saying that you and your future husband wouldn't be happy and you for demanding that she be happy for you when she's clearly going through a rough spot. I think you both owe each other an apology and then you should ask her if she doesn't feel up to the bridesmaid duties, then please be honest and relinquish those duties. It sounds like she has a lot of problems to deal with herself and you both need to be supportive of each other. Frankly, i'm really surprised at all the harsh comments towards the friend. I think she sounds really stressed and lashed out at the wrong moment. The same goes for the bride-to-be. Both of you need to step up and be there for each other because you ARE best friends. Please don't lose sight of that!
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
Forgive. Whilst she is obviously having problems in her life right now, she needs to recognise that your relationship isn't her relationship. I was Maid of Honor once and had recently broken up with someone- but while my relationship didn't work out, I didn't go around saying hers wasn't going to!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I just read back over these comments...almost famous's comments literally make me sick! The point of a friend is to support the person when they are having problems, not just serve as an accessory at THEIR SPECIAL DAY!!! sheesh people. On that note, there will be no fat people in my wedding, they have to lose it by my special day! *roooollls eyes*
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I said forgive you have to be a good friend to her. I am not one that puts a huge value in weddings and wedding planning, I think the whole thing is ridiculous, and the Bridezilla thing is out of hand, but at the same time, it makes sense for your friend not to be involved in the wedding because of what she is going through. Please try to separate your wedding planning with your support for her as a friend. If at some point between now and the wedding she has a change of heart, you can involve her more. I would apologize for blowing up at her, and really try to make some time you can spend with her where you can talk to her about what she is going through, or just blow off some steam. Just keep your wedding separate from her problems, and you should be fine. Don't let your wedding ruin a friendship, or mean that you can't help her with what she is going through. If she makes comments about how you shouldn't be getting married, just tell her that you feel prepared to get married to your husband, and that you don't want to talk about your wedding plans with her until she has her own stuff sorted out.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
well i don't have enough details. i mean, who is to say your hubby-to-be is a prince charming? he may have characteristics similar to her hubby. or maybe she is soooo jaded by this situation, that she thinks everyone will fall out of love. either way, she's going through a whole lot more than rather or not you should have shrimp cocktail at the reception. i can;t believe you blew up on her. at least she came out and told you why she was behaving this way. and she drops a bomb shell, and you're thinking about yourself???!! i would stop and try to be there for her. help her get through this possible divorce. not demote her. you just proved that maybe YOU should've been demoted for her wedding. any real friend would've been concern about the news at hand. then you could just explain to her that maybe being involved in a wedding period is a bit much for her emotions right now. but no, you blew up on her. . . you're a joke!
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