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Sunday Confessional: I Hurt Her, But She Won't Let It Go

Sunday Confessional: I Hurt Her, But She Won't Let It Go

About two years ago, I entered a bleak time in my life and fell into a depression. Fortunately, I was able to make it through, and I feel much stronger today. However, at the time it was difficult to just leave the house, and I really distanced myself from many of my friends. In fact, one of my closest friends was going through her own struggles, dealing with a terrible breakup and the loss of a grandparent. More than once she called me crying and I failed to return the call, too lost in my sadness.

In the midst of this, it was also her birthday and she begged me to come out with her. With much trepidation, I said yes, but when the day finally rolled around, I totally flaked. Needless to say, that was her last straw. She wrote me an email basically telling me that she was sorry I was unhappy but there was no excuse for my behavior. That email as well as some other incidents forced me to see things differently, and with the help of my therapist, I was able to start putting my life back together. Eight months ago I reconciled with my friend. I told her I was so regretful of the pain I caused her, and though it took some talking, we worked it out.

But since then she's been very passive aggressive with me. She often won't call me back. And when I ask, she says, "Now you know how it feels." And she's always quick to remind me of how I hurt her, and even puts me down. She's such a good person, but she seems to have these bursts of anger towards me. I take full responsibility for what I did, and I was even willing to put up with this to some extent, but two years after the fact, it's getting old. I don't feel like this is warranted, but maybe I'm wrong. Do you think I deserve this? Or is it time for me to be forgiven?

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calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
depends on what u were going through. was she there for u during ure hard times? well i dont know. but i voted to forgive u. because, uve paid ure dues for whatever it is that u did. and shes still giving u a hard time. tell her to get over it. u were going through shit too. if i was her, i would understand.
loveyoulots loveyoulots 8 years
You did the right thing, now it's time for you to sit her down and kindly tell her that she needs too stop because you both need to move forward. Tell her you know you hurt her and she has repaid the hurt back too you now let's move past this. If she acts like she doesn't care or get mad and leaves just let her cool off and in few days she'll call you.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
you're not entitled to her forgiveness just because you asked for it. Like some people have said, it's up to her to forgive you or not. However I put "forgive" because she did, in fact, forgive you. Or at least she said she did. If she honestly felt she couldn't forgive you she should have said so when you tried to reach out to her. Forgiveness is an all or nothing thing and to bring you back in to her life with the express purpose of punishing you is wrong. Talk to her, let her know how you feel. Quite frankly it is hypocritical of her to act this way and if she is as good a person as you say I'm sure you can both takes steps here to be better friends to each other.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
I agree with GlowingMoon... try to talk to her again... if it doesn't work out than you might have to move on. The negativity isn't good for your depression (that could come back due to this), etc.
CYL CYL 8 years
Such typical woman behaviour towards a bf...at any rate I would talk to her. Tell her that you are sorry for what you did, and she either has to accept it and let the past go or decide that she really HASN'T forigve you and give you a call when she does.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
I think I can identify with the "don't want to go out of the house" situation and I feel sympathize someone in that situation which enable me to want to forgive. Everyone is different. If the friend has never gone through similar situation, it maybe harder for her to forgive.
candace87 candace87 8 years
Well, since everyone's saying it's not HER choice to decide when to be forgiven, which it isnt, why don't you talk to your friend, tell her that it's obvious that she isn't over it and ask her to work through it to forgive you just like you worked through it to get better for her. If she's still too immature to handle that, then I would just say maybe start distancing yourself from her.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
*boyfriend, good god, back to studying
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
People go through these things, depression and whatnot, and are able to rebuild friendships, but maybe we can't always expect that it will be rebuilt. You aren't a bad person, you were going through a lot and you did "pay your dues" but maybe your friend just won't be able to see that. It's her loss, because if she ever went through something similar, you would be such a valuable friend. I remember my first serious before (and only actually!!), when we first started dating, I was such a flakey friend, it was so bad. One of my friends was really angry. A year later, she started dating her first serious bf, at college and did the same thing to her friends! She called me a bit later and we had a good laugh and "omg I"m so sorry" over it. Now obvs. this story doesn't compare to having a real problem that you couldn't control, like depression, but you never know when she might come around and see the light. In the meantime, congrats on getting yourself better. :) "We don't ask our loved ones to apologize to us for their emotions when diagnosed with something as terrifying as cancer, so why should they have to apologize for a mental disease?" <3 No backlash coming from me! Although, I think a person with cancer might apologize for strange behavior related to the emotional stresses of the disease, just like a person with a mental illness might apologize for strange behavior associated with that disease, but ya know, I think in this context, "apologize" = "explain."
letsgetloud21 letsgetloud21 8 years
Is it bad that I laughed out loud to someone being called Satan.:ROTFL: sorry
lildorothyparker lildorothyparker 8 years
Another thing, and I'm anticipating some backlash for this... We don't ask our loved ones to apologize to us for their emotions when diagnosed with something as terrifying as cancer, so why should they have to apologize for a mental disease?
lildorothyparker lildorothyparker 8 years
I second, third, or fourth (wherever it is) what lickety split said.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
You're both dealing with issues though, i mean...
snow-flake snow-flake 8 years
I also agree with lickety split. As long as you have done what you say you have I don't believe there is really more you can do. If she can't recognize that you were sick, and didn't have the capacity to be there for her at that time than maybe her friendship isn't worth maintaining.
aeschere aeschere 8 years
i agree with lickety split. it was an illness. sometimes though, people in your life will never understand. i am sort of in the same situation with my cousin. she's getting married soon and we were close all of our lives except for about an 8-month period where my eating disorder and depression got the best of me. i've apologized to her... but if they can't fully forgive you, they should say so. you don't deserve your friend being passive-aggressive towards you.
lindac lindac 8 years
Undecided. Only your friend can decide when she actually forgives you (YOU don't get to decide when it's time). You deserted her when she really needed you and it hurt. If you really want to pursue this friendship, you should talk to her about how her behavior is pushing you away and see if you can both work past it.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
Notice, I am still slightly passive-aggressive. : )
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
Sometimes even when you make up and you're grateful that you still have your friendship, you can still harbour resentment like this (even without ever letting it out, unlike your friend is doing). I had a similar experience with one of my close friends. I won't rehash the entire story here, basically she was also pretty depressed at one stage (mainly relating to her boyfriend at the time, who was s bad guy) - but she didn't let me know what was going on so I didn't give her as much sympathy as she would have liked. One day she was just being a drama queen once again about something trivial and I was tired of it, so I let her know what I thought of her behaviour. Out of nowhere (in my eyes) she just snapped, ended up kicking me in the leg and calling me satan (yes, she actually called me satan). Long story short, we eventually resolved our issues - but we were really just being polite more than anything else. Our friendship was strained for a very, very long time. To be honest, I was more hurt by how she acted toward me than worried about HER problems. I had less sympathy for her after she revealed everything that had been happening in her life, because I felt betrayed that she basically took it all out on me in one swift blow (to the leg). So I guess what I'm saying is that I think your friendship is still broken, and it will either take years for things to naturally smoothe over (like it did with my friend and I) - or you have to accept that you're never going to be where you were before and just cut your ties with her.
TwistandShout TwistandShout 8 years
Depression is different than just being unhappy. She needs to recognize this. You are taking all the right steps, but unfortunately some people will just never forgive.
Amandaletta Amandaletta 8 years
Being depressed hurts you and everyone around you, and it sucks when those around you do not understand what real depression is. You should not allow her to punish you. She may still be angry about it and if she is, after 2 years, she has her own issues she needs help with. Clearly she has problems letting this go and perhaps you should help her by ceasing to bother with her. Tell her if she is going to treat you like crap then you want nothing to do with her and she can go wallow in her anger all alone. Find some new friends who are nice.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
:? **who has hurt her will...
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
I don't understand where the 'friend' is being mean by not returning her calls...she obviously doesn't want to be bothered. Is it equally wrong to pester someone as it is to ignore them? There's more to this story...it isn't candid, and I know from experience that the one who is trying to sever the ties with an insensitive person who has with always come out the perceived b*. I would just tell you to stop all contact because it obviously isn't a healthy relationship for either of you.
Meike Meike 8 years
I agree with Lickety Split. Real depression isn't something a person easily gets out of. Yes, it can definitely be a self-absorb sickness for some and it doesn't matter if your friends or family exist. During college, I had one such friend from high-school who isolated herself in her dorm room. I don't know...maybe she wasn't adjusting well to the university classes or had trouble making friends but I, too, have tried to reach out to her by inviting her to events. She normally flaked out on me and I eventually stopped calling. By the time I saw her again on the campus...she was barely recognizable like a deathly thin, pale ghost. Again, I reached out to her and she ignored me. I really couldn't be mad with her. I empathized and I saw what was going on. She was sick and refused to be helped. Everyone experiences hard times but some people know how to deal with it. Others like my old friend, don't. It's been two years. Your friend has dealt with hard times. You have dealt with hard times. It wasn't as if you could help her deal with her issues when you were in your depress condition. You hurting her wasn't purposeful. She needs to let go of this grudge and move on.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
yeah, and I agree she was insensitive about your severe depression. Everyone has problems, but often the ways in which people in a relationship react to one person suffering a depression break apart that relationship. I've seen it happen most often within families and lovers, and that's the reason I think this friendship is too close for comfort.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Is it just me, or does this friendship sound really codependent? Maybe it's awhile since I had a friends that considered me as one of the family, but it doesn't sound very good to me. She is keeping you around to punish you! Stop hanging out with her and find some friends who evaluate you positively and don't cling so much. Both of you did bad things to each other, but she has to be able to let that go, Otherwise, what's the difference between having a friend and a judgmental mother-in-law? Anyway, you're moving forward into a more positive life and she's dragging you down - I think you're better off without each other.
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