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Sunday Confessional: I Led Him On

For as long as I can remember, I've had the horrible tendency to pursue a guy until he's totally into me, and then dump him right as things start to heat up. There's just something about a crush being interested in me that suddenly makes me totally uninterested in him. In many ways I think I just like the thrill of the chase. Now I'm heading into my late-20s, and struggling with the same habit. I've tried to work on it but I just can't force my feelings.

Recently I met a truly wonderful guy. We started dating and hit it off immediately. In fact, things were going so well that I thought I might be finally getting over my issue. Over the months we were dating, I learned that he was dealing with the recent loss of his mother. I was shocked that talking about something so serious brought us closer together instead of sending me out the door. Well a few weekends ago, we went out, I drank way too much, and ended up very sick. He took care of me, brought me home, and stayed the night with me to make sure I was OK. As soon as I woke up the next morning, I immediately sensed something had changed in me; I was over it.

That night we had plans to hang out but I never called him back. The next day he called to see what happened and again, I didn't call him back. I ended up breaking up with him via voicemail. He called one last time to ask what he had done wrong, and to try to talk things over with me, but I ignored him. In the past, breaking up always felt like a relief, but this time I felt terrible. I realized I'm actually feeling a loss. Now I want to work things out with him, but I heard through a mutual friend that he's totally disgusted by my behavior. Do you think there's any way for him to forgive me?

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calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
wow, ure SO self involved. he was a completely nice guy, who just LOST HIS MOTHER and u blew him off because of ure 'feeling'? u are so damn selfish. and u completely dont deserve a guy like that. u are just...so damn selfsih. and u know what? what goes around comes around. KARMA IS A BITCH
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
even if you know you don't stand a chance with him, please email an apology! poor guy... as for forgiveness, it really depends if he sympathizes with your problem, but i don't think most people do.
bransugar79 bransugar79 8 years
Not forgive. Your behavior was really immature and it's unfair to expect him to be ok with it just because you feel like this all the time. I'm glad you learned your lesson but I think you need to use your new found knowledge in the next relationship and not bother this guy.
rossinaross rossinaross 8 years
ilanac13 youre totally right
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i think that you just realized that you're growing up a bit and that this could be the real thing, and i feel like the guy should be willing to listen to you. i think that if you're able to explain yourself to him, and to let him know that you haven't had the best track record with relationships in the past, and that you got scared and pushed him away....maybe he'll be more open to seeing if there are still feelings between you. i think that it's worth the try since guys use that excuse all the time and expect us to give them another chance. he could just be upset about things since he doesn't know your side.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 8 years
Not forgive. You treated him horribly after he was really good to you and shared something intensely personal. So, no. You made your bed, hope it's comfy.
rossinaross rossinaross 8 years
Girl you totally blew it, and blew it bad. There are 3 guys like him in the world, you had one, and broke up with him??? Listen to this and listen carefully, you DO need therapy, I agree with princess_eab. The whole chasing-guys-and-making-them-like-you-thing is a teenage thing [my best friend does that alot and gets on my nerves], but apparently you got used to it. If you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, TALK TO HIM about it. Tell him about it. And say you're sorry [and mean it] as many times as you need to. I'm not gonna vote if he should forgive you or not, and I'm not undecided either. If I was him, I don't think I would forgive you because you went psyco for no reason, but I know it was a mistake so I wish you luck.
L0neLyHeArT L0neLyHeArT 8 years
I think that you should be fogiven for your mistakes. I was the same way too, I'll dump guys like tissue paper and never hear from them again. Your man isn't going to forgive you easily; he'll feel hurt and sad at you. Just explain to him that you've made a mistake and hopefully your relationship could work out. Please learn from your repeated mistakes in your life and learn the lessons.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
He's probably never going to speak to you again no matter how many times you apologize so I would say to forgive you only because you did him a huge favor by that immature crap you pulled.Finally some very lucky girl who really deserves a great guy like that will now have a chance to be with him and treat him right ... It's such a sucky feeling for anyone to be led on. I can only hope that some guy you really care about decides to jerk your chain in the same way because i believe then and only then,will you finally get the reality check that you so richly deserve. And I also think you should seek some serious, heavy duty counseling as well.....
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
Sounds like you're afraid to let people in and see the real you, cus you're afraid they won't like what they see. Is that why you dump them the minute you begin to really get to know each other? Were you embarrassed when this guy saw you completely at your worst? You weren't even able to face him or talk to him on the phone! Or is it more that you don't think you deserve to be taken care of that way, that he's too good for you? He won't forgive you, or at least he shouldn't. Learn from this and get some counseling.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
Do not forgive. I wouldn't be able to trust you again, sorry.
quitecontrary quitecontrary 8 years
Stop it. Seriously. And leave the poor guy alone. You've very likely already caused him enough hurt that will make it harder for him to open up to anyone else anytime soon. You're the kind of girl that makes it really hard for the rest of us to find good guys who don't have major issues. Thanks for that.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Get counselling or you will just keep repeating this pattern! If I were him, I wouldn't forgive you, but who knows. Good luck to you.
SassAndBide SassAndBide 8 years
princess_eab I AGREE!!! btw love ur avi. ryan & rachel forever :rotfl:
SassAndBide SassAndBide 8 years
you gotta forgive yourself... whatever ok let it go. he's moved on. you should too i know too many people in their late 20's that are watching their best friends get married, while they drink themselves away. i've seen it fuck up people. you dont need that.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
I just want to add something... when I said look into therapy, I was 100% serious. I've been in therapy myself at difficult times in my life (most recently this summer after a hard breakup), and it's completely changed my outlook. It can really help you become the person you'd like to be. Obviously, you're unhappy with your own behavior, too. I think you can break your pattern, but it seems that at this point you need someone else to help you assess your situation. As for the guy... he deserves an apology, but he doesn't deserve you in the place you are now.
CYL CYL 8 years
Ok..the least you could have done was tell him why you weren't talking to him instead of not returning calls. I hate it when guys do that to me. I don't think he will forgive you..but you could give it a shot...but think carefully. Are you really into him or just into him because you don't have him (as suggested in your past behaviour. If you just want the chase again...leave the poor man a lone and get a dog you can toss a fisbee and chase after all you want ...
gossipqueen gossipqueen 8 years
Can you please send me his phone number so that I can call him and tell him what a BITCH! YOU ARE!!! At least he needs an explanation that a mentally disturbed chick just dumped him...and he JUST DODGED THE BULLET!!!
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 8 years
I chose not forgive because this is a lesson you need to learn. you screwed it up, and things are probably beyond saving with this guy. but I chose not forgive especially because I think before you even try to go near another guy you need to get some therapy, some help. the fact that when a guy is there for you, returning your feelings, the fact that that turns you off- it says something about your self-esteem. why is it such a bad thing that they like you? is it because once you have them, you feel like if they like you, they're not as good? I say this only from experience. of course, this was when I was 12. not 21. I grew out of that, grew up, but I think this is a problem you can start to fix once you realize that you actually need to do something about it.
austerity austerity 8 years
For the first time, you have realized you lost someone you actually wanted thanks to your leading on behavior. I guess this should be a heavy but valuable lesson learned; that your old habit is really, really bad, hurtful and could lead you to loose something very, very precious.
Happy2bhere Happy2bhere 8 years
I agree with most of the people who said talk to him. I don't think its a great idea for you to be in a relationship right now, but for closer you need to talk to him. For some reason you are afraid of getting close to someone or someone getting close to you. This guy sound like a nice person and he deserve more from you then the way you handled the situation. Bring some closer and let him know it has nothing to do with him the way you behave or reacted. If you can develop a friendship with him great, but you need to learn more about why you behave in this matter before pursuing another relationship. Live life like its your last holiday!
kbean83 kbean83 8 years
Okay, clearly the poster already understands she has problems. There is no need to attack with nasty comments. I thought the point of this forum was to help her and anyone else with a similar problem, not to persecute. As for the forgive/unforgive, I have been in that position myself so I put down undecided. Being honest got us both through that situation so I would just talk to him. Good luck!
Marci Marci 8 years
popgoestheworld said what I was thinking, which is that you'd probably just repeat the same behavior with him down the road if you were able to get him to forgive you. He sounds like a great guy, and you totally blew it. You need to leave innocent people out of your little game and work on whatever your issues are before getting involved with anyone again. It's not all about you, you know.
punjabibyotch punjabibyotch 8 years
Not forgive. You had your chance, and you acted like a dumb selfish b*tch. Hopefully he finds someone better with more tact.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
I would be surprised if he takes you back. You can aplogize but your lack of maturity completely blew it. He deserves someone that respects and appreciates all his wonderful qualities. Get some help with YOUR issues and grow-up before you think about dating anyone else.
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