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Sunday Confessional — I Snooped in My Boyfriend's Email

Sunday Confessional — I Snooped in My Boyfriend's Email

I've been with my boyfriend for just over six months, and he recently asked me to move in with him. While you'd think I'd be over the moon, things have actually been a little rocky between us lately. Something about his behavior has made me fear that he's been unfaithful, but whenever I bring up my concerns to him, he always tells me that he'd never do anything to hurt me. I love him dearly, so I chose to believe him.

This weekend we decided to order pizza and watch a movie at home. When he went downstairs to meet the delivery man, I noticed that his computer was left open. I seized the moment and quickly went through his email. To my amazement, there was an entire folder filled with emails from a girl I've never heard of. I didn't have time to read them because I didn't want to get caught, but my gut told me that my suspicions were right — he'd been cheating on me. I grabbed my purse and ran out the back door with tears in my eyes.

He's been calling off the hook, but I have no intention of talking to him. While I'm glad I saw what I saw, I've been feeling extremely guilty for invading his privacy — I've never gone behind someone's back before. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but can I be forgiven since I was basically just getting the proof I needed to know for sure that my boyfriend had been lying to me?

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JustMe12325 JustMe12325 7 years
Yes, snooping is definitely an invasion of privacy, but I must say, I had the same experience recently. He kept talking about this woman who's been in the picture for sometime, but it's been a professional relationship, however, she's clearly pretty and when he started saying she's not attractive and things like that; immediately I started paying closer attention because it was clear he was trying to thwart me. Long story short, he told me that she made a pass at him at a business meeting and told me he didn't say anything. I knew he was lying because (1) he likes attention and (2) he's a talker; he loves good conversation. I think he was telling me about it to show me that he's open, but we were so connected I felt he was hiding something. I expressed to him my concern, but he assured me that he was into me only and she's not on my level. He didn't convince me & I didn't feel safe & secure by what he said, so, I CHECKED HIS EMAIL. And I found communication between the both of them. He said she made passes at him, but he clearly was making passes at her in the email and I noticed an email where they plan to link up at another business meeting. The good part is, he had no clue I was in his email...until I made his status "invisible" in his email account (instead of "available") and I never changed it back. Duh!!!! I think he caught on over the weekend and I notice every now and again over the past few days he makes himself avaialable & then puts it back onto invisible status, so I'm certain his "antennas" are up, and he thinks it's me, but I won't fess up and he hasn't confronted me. And I'm sure, he won't, but he deleted the emails and when she sent him an email this week he simply replied "call me." Here's the deal, I planned to confront him about it if he continued to be dishonest, however, in second thinking this, I feel as though I should just leave it the way it is. My confronting him is not going to make him stop trying to hook up or continue to hook up with this woman if his mind is already made up, in which it clearly is. Because he turned around and sent her an email 2 minutes after I just got out of a conversation with him about her!!!! WTF!!! He's definitely more distant with me and I've been distant with him. Not sure if it's because of the email thing...it's likely, but it also could be a response to my distancing myself. Yet, we still want to be around each other.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Too bad you left and didn't print out the whole file to review later on at home without him knowing to be sure. If it was indeed cheating you could have kept him ignorant and forwarded emails to her as if it was him. Let her get stood up while you're on you're both away for a big weekend together. Before you let him know tell him how much you love him and have him pay for a nice big weekend in San Fransisco, or Hawaii, or London. London would be good. Have him max out a few credit cards in his name on clothes for you at Harrods. After you get back write his girlfriend sorry. That she was all a big mistake.
cbaby28 cbaby28 8 years
forgive....
Kristina27 Kristina27 8 years
Sadly, this is happening to me now too. I have not snooped because i dont have his password, and he makes sure he logs out of everything when i use his computer. I thought of a lot of ways to hack his email...trust me its not pretty, but i decided not to because i dont have the gut to face the truth yet. He has been acting pretty cold and distant. I know he is on email all the time, but he does not reply my email anymore. He reconnected with a girl he liked (before he met me, he was interested in a girl who had a boyfriend, but now she adn the boyfriend broke up so she is available again), and he even told me they have been "corresponding" through email again, but of course he says she is just a friend, like a little sister, she is fun and and he likes her as a friend. I saw a text message from her one time, she was asking whether he likes the picture she sent him. 2 days later, when i checked again, he deleted the text message. And he also deleted everything from his outbox. I do believe i have reasons to be suspicious cause he does not text me or email me anymore (he used to do that a lot), a woman knows when her man's heart is not there anymore. I dont know what to say, i think the best thing to do is to move on....why bother finding out the truth if someone's heart is not there anymore?
WildFire14 WildFire14 8 years
You need to talk to your guy. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 10 months and I check his email regularly... Not because I don't trust him, I just get the junk out of his account. He likes to keep all the emails I send to him (I think he's weird). We have a strong sense of trust between us. plus I think he's a little afraid of me walking out on him - I can get really cold. I've walked out without looking back before, and between you and I, I can easily do it again. Of course, with some Beyonce and Destiny's Child on my playlist I have support. Communication and honesty is the most important factors in a relationship. Trust comes with these two.
Hex Hex 8 years
I kept waiting for the end of this story to be, "so it turns out his cousin blahblah emails him once a week to keep in touch there were really close growing up but now that she went to college out of state..." I also imagine the BF paying the pizza guy as she runs past with "tears in her eyes" and him thinking but.. but.. I ordered pizza!
missjessie missjessie 8 years
Don't be a puss, confront him. admit what you did, let him explain and take it from there.
Symphonee Symphonee 8 years
Howw could u possibly know every female friend and family member that he knows and rule out that it was any of them after being in a relationship for SIX months? You saw a folder. Nothing else. It could have been pictures she emailed him for all you know. I feel that if you are bold enough to snoop, you should be bold enough to stand up and asj about what you have found. Snooping comes from a place of mistrust, if you don't truast him why be in a relationship with him. It sounds like you were looking for any out you could get because you were already unhappy when you moved in.
cptnruthless cptnruthless 8 years
I'll forgive ya. But, you cant be sure that they're evidence of him cheating. I have a bunch of emails in a folder from my ex-bf... we bought furniture together and I need to save the emails in case he defaults on the loan. That's it - I dont even call/text/facebook him anymore, and my boyfriend knows it. Seriously, him asking YOU to move in doesnt sound like he's cheating - it would make it that more difficult for him to sneak around. I think you need to talk to him.
MartiniLush MartiniLush 8 years
BRAVO, karlotta - I am with you! WTF? How immature can you be? You saw a folder full of email from a girl that you didn't even read and have managed to jump to the conclusion that he is cheating on you with her. You don't even know who she is.... If you aren't mature enough to discuss this with your BF like the adult you are supposed to be, then this relationship isn't worth your time or HIS time. :oy:
bluestar bluestar 8 years
Usually when you snoop, you find exactly what you're looking for. Don't be upset when you find it and grow some balls and talk to your boyfriend.
melizzle melizzle 8 years
Mind your own business next time. Where's the trust?
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Nothing good will ever come of snooping.
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 8 years
Well if you're going to look, you should have at least confronted him instead of running out the back door without any explanation.
DDL DDL 8 years
Listen, you don't need to feel guilty at all. Take it from me, I did the same thing to my ex-girlfriend. She was emailling some dude and it turned out she was cheating. HOW ELSE WERE WE TO FIND OUT? maybe snooping into emails is wrong but it was totally in self-defense? I felt guilty about it too but then i just think about what would have happened if i didnt do it... She'd still be leading me on! I forgive you and I hope you will find strength.
Athena123987 Athena123987 8 years
Wait a minute... I guess we don't know what all you did see, but I think you really jumped to conclusions. It might be an ex, or a cousin or something; my cousins and I email a lot back and forth, and I tend to keep family stuff like that. Also, keeping stuff from an ex, as long as it isn't an unhealthy attachment to it, is ok; for better or worse, exes help form who we become, and good memories can still exist even after a breakup that he might want mementos of. I think you should accept one call and hear him out. If he can prove a valid explanation, you need to re-think the communication in your relationship. Forgive for the snooping; not forgive for jumping to conclusions without asking for an explanation.
mcockram mcockram 8 years
You shouldn't have snooped, but why would you still like the guy? Actually, I don't think it means he doesn't love you at all, but he's gotta break a heart either way. Better to get out and not be the one to be taken by surprise.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
I say forgive to snooping, because I've done it before (heh) - BUT, you aren't even 100% sure if he's cheating on you. He could just be super organised, and keep emails from girls from years back, or possibly they're just friends. Were there folders with guy's names too? You're not a very good snooper!
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 8 years
*oops* "...thought to myself it wasn't my place...." I left out the word 'it'.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 8 years
I normally always pick forgive; I figure it's up to God; we aren't in the situation to forgive or not to forgive. We honestly shouldn't judge anyone. Now, if someone has done something to us that violates are trust that's a different matter. I know I picked unforgive for something, and I still thought to myself wasn't my place to judge an individaul. I rarely read DearSugar...but how many times are we going to get these snooping questions. I know all of us think snooping is wrong, and we would never do it. *sigh tired of the same old questions, sorry*
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