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Sunday Confessional: I Stood Up for My Friend, But Now I'm the Bad Guy

Sunday Confessional: I Stood Up for My Friend, But Now I'm the Bad Guy

My roommate, who also happens to be one of my closest friends, has been with her current boyfriend for just over six months. They're serious, and she even plans on moving in with him when our lease ends. He's a decent guy, and I know he loves my friend — I've gotten to know him really well because he's always at our house.

But every time they go out together and drink, he starts to act insanely jealous. They end up fighting, leaving early, and it always sends my roommate into a torrent of tears. Needless to say, I'm the one trying to calm them both down or comfort my friend at the end of the night. And since I'm often out with them, it regularly ruins my night too. Once he sobers up, her boyfriend always apologizes for his behavior and suddenly all is right again. I've talked to her about it before and she agrees that his actions are unacceptable, yet nothing changes.

Last weekend they were going out with some mutual friends, and to avoid one of their scenes, I stayed home. Later that night, they came home in usual fighting mode and I just hit my limit. I decided to confront her boyfriend about his behavior. He heard me out, so I felt like things went well, but within a few days I could tell my roommate was upset with me. When I asked what was wrong, she said she was extremely angry that instead of talking to her I decided to make her boyfriend feel uncomfortable; she even said I was being selfish! I think I did the right thing. Should I be forgiven for standing up for my friend?

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AngelBaby73 AngelBaby73 8 years
definitely forgive.if she didn't want you to confront her boyfriend then she shouldn't have come crying to you.she needs to understand that what you did was because you cared for her,and yourself too.after all,they ARE fighting in the house that you are staying in.you didn't do anything wrong.you did something very right,it shows that you really care about her.she is the one being selfish.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
not forgiven. u shouldnt have talked to him. all u can do is talk to her and tell her to talk to her guy. u dont have the right to talk to her. u would have the right if he was ure friend before she started dating him. but u only got to know him and be his friend after he and ure friend started dating. dont poke ure ass into ure friends relationships. yeah u were only trying to help but u shouldnt have talked to him. not ure business at all. and seems like u were a bit selfish there
EricaJane EricaJane 9 years
i think that you were taking care of yourself by not being in a sucky situation and having yet another night ruined.. i think that it's pretty disrespectful of your friend to fight and make scenes, and bring that to your mutual home, and then leave you to pick up the pieces.. If you talked to him calmly and reasonably, then you did the RIGHT thing! You love them both, and you want it to be harmonious, and your feelings heard.. I'm sorry she wasn't receptive, or at the very least, understanding. She needs to cool down and get some perspective.. anyone else would completely understand your position, and hopefully she will too, especially when she moves out and you're not there to console her anymore! It will hopefully help improve your relationship if you aren't there to witness her relationship problems regularly.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
LOL Asia. That made my day. XD
geebers geebers 9 years
LMAO Asia- yes changing the subject works wonders!
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
P.S when she moves out, she's probably still gonna come to you with this drama. this is how you need to handle her from now on: Her:Hey Sarah. I need to talk. You:Oh hey. what's up? Her: Jake is such a jerk, he got us put out of the Roxy again. I just hate how he gets all jealous . . . You: umm. . . .are you going to Samantha's birthday party? I have to find a dress for it. it's suppose to be really nice. leave that h* hangin' with her drama.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
I don't forgive you! You shoulda got a bowl of water, put it in the microwave. warmed it up for about 5 minutes while the fought. then YAAAA! throw it on them! SHUT all that f*ckin' noise up! okay, i forgive you. i say this; i feel where you are coming from, but anytime there is a situation like this, you have to step back and let them be. because it always ends like this. you're roommie/bff is a donkey. she dates a guy who will probably beat her a*s when they move in together. she takes his crap. and YOU are suppose to be the mediator. That takes a toll on you and your sanity. This is the same girl who will get her a*s kicked up and down the stairs by a guy, run to you, and then expect you not to have a reaction. friends are suppose to support each other, but never should it be at the expense of your happiness. They have repeatedly ruined your nights out, or your nights in when they come home with their bull-drama. if she gets as*y about it, tell her maybe she should move out sooner than later. I don't know your financial situation, but if you have to get some cash from your parents, drunk uncle, married boyfriend, whomever . . .get it to make up her half of the rent. she is not worth the headache. she's probably causing your hair to fall out. THIS is why i don't have roommates!
geebers geebers 9 years
I say forgive- in my friendships I would have done the same thing (though you seem to have been involved repeatedly). I agree that you should have stayed out of it IF it didnt concern you but it does -if they did it in front of you and in your home you have every right to speak up. Perhaps I have would talked to your friend first before talking to her boyfriend and tell her if she and her BF can't behave like adults, you will take matters into your own hands. That way she can deal with it. Sorry you got stuck in this situation - I feel for you. And I dont think you did anything wrong - I definitely can see myself doing the same.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
IMO friends should never butt into their friends relationships. Unless you see him acting out in a violent way or influencing illegal behavior. You should've just said something about the noise, not about his behavior. That is your friends job to comment on if any comment is needed. Butting in just makes your friends resent you and the guy not like you.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I say forgive...I can only assume that you approached him trying to help. Me on the other hand would have told BOTH of them I'm SICK of it. My choice of words would have not been so nice. I know you love your friend but it's time to take a step back from her. Right now she is caught up in a whirlwind unhealthy mess! The only thing you can do is decided whether or not to allow her to move back in once things completely blow up in her face. Like someone said encourage her to move out sooner... ...Their drama WILL NOT stop and you will constantly be sucked in to this drunken vortex. Next time either excuse yourself or tall her to take it to her room. Me...I'd call the cops but you do you sweetie
looseseal looseseal 9 years
Undecided because I don't think what you did was such a terrible thing that you need to ask for forgiveness. But it wasn't exactly a smart move either. The world has a shortage of people who are willing to stick their neck out and take a stand for someone else, and this is exactly why. You get involved in other people's troubles, you get trouble. People will not thank you for it. In many cases, getting involved will turn you into a convenient scapegoat for their various problems. Don't take on this thankless insanity unless it's something so extremely serious or so heinous that no decent person should turn a blind eye to it. This jealous boyfriend issue is not it.
cotedazur cotedazur 9 years
This is an awful situation for you, but I agree that you need to try to stay out of their relationship. It's unfair to you because they have brought their drama into your living space, but it's still not your place to get in the middle of their fights. (Unless, of course, he starts hitting her or something.) ps: great comments lildorothyparker!
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 9 years
Forgive; you were just looking out for your friend, plus their behaviour made you feel uncomfortable in your own home and they never seem to have considered how you felt. I think it's good that this happened, because at least you know exactly where you stand and what her feelings are. But next time stay out of it, and if she needs you she can come to you.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Their relationship sounds really dysfunctional, and while I am sure your intentions were good, I would just stay out of it if I were you. Nothing will change with them until they decide to change. If they ask why you will not go out with them anymore, be honest and say you can't stand the drunken drama anymore. But that's about it, don't get involved, I don't think it will be worth it for you. If you can't stand the drama, start looking for a new roomate. If she asks why you want to do this, tell her.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
She's just pissed because she knows you're right.
italianblonde italianblonde 9 years
I think you did the right thing. You were just looking out for her best interests by talking to him. And obviously you talked to her about it first, so she can't say you didn't. She can't see the situation how you see it, so that's why she's blaming you for 'making it worse than it really is' (probably what she's thinking in her head). But anyway, just take a step back now and know you were only trying to help, whether it worked or not!
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
"I contend that it backfired only because the OP's friend didn't like what she had to say." Interesting point. Perhaps you're right. "Just another thought: We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions." LOL. So true, so true.
lildorothyparker lildorothyparker 9 years
Just another thought: We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.
lildorothyparker lildorothyparker 9 years
GlowingMoon - I do agree with you on most of your points. The OP did stick her nose in their business and yes it did backfire. I contend that it backfired only because the OP's friend didn't like what she had to say. I have found based on my experience, and the experience of many of my friends, that we only want to hear advice that coincides with what we already believe - we're only willing to listen to our friends when they reinforce our feelings. So long as the friend is upset with her boyfriend, she will listen to her non-partisan advice. Bottom line: Yes, she should have stayed out of it and yes she needs to create boundaries, but her friend needs to grow up.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I say forgive, you were just frustrated and concerned. But now you've also learned why you should really stay out of other people's problems. Yes, it sucks that she comes crying to you and you feel powerless to do anything about it, but the solution would be to point this out to her, say, "I really want to be here for you and console you, but it is sad to me that nothing changes and tomorrow you will forget how upset you are now. I can't really be a part of this anymore." I would advise anyone to stay out of their friends' relationships unless they believe the friend is in direct danger. If you believe the friend is being emotionally abused (not in this case) I think you should "get involved" only to the extent that you bring this up to your friend. Once. Politely. I had to tell my friend that her boyfriend was repeatedly cheating on her, and it was the hardest thing ever. And of course she stayed with him. And for a while I was the bad guy. Sometimes, yes, you can get involved, you need to, but very rarely, and only with your friend, not the boyfriend.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
If you always have to fix their problems or deal with the consequences then you have every right to get involved. If you're always hanging out with them and are close to both of them than it becomes your problem.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
Honestly...they got you involved in their relationship from the get-go. She's no right to be mad at you when every other night she's in your arms bawling away over him. Next time she wants to cry to you, just tell her she's being selfish by making you feel uncomfortable.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Lildorothyparker, I noticed her friend and boyfriend argued in front of the OP, too, but in reality, the friend did NOT want the OP involved. When the OP got involved, she received a lot of criticism and opposition from her friend. The boyfriend didn't appreciate it either. And yes, this is why I think the couple is being immature. They openly display their problems in the front of the OP, and attack her when she tries to help. They have blurred the boundary of their relationship, and blamed her. However, I think the OP directly got herself into this mess. SHE stuck her nose into their relationship. And now, sadly, she found out the hard way there IS boundary. The friend and boyfriend has made it clear. The next time that immature couple argues in front of her (and blurs the boundary, sending a mixed message to her), the OP should excuse herself, and leave the room. She could say something like,"I'm going to let you two have your words in private. I'm uncomfortable being a spectator." Reinforce that couple's intended boundary, as that immature couple doesn't always do it.
AmberHoney AmberHoney 9 years
When you get to be 50 you've learned to stay the hell out of other people's business. I learned the hard way also. I agree with others - tell her to go crying to someone else next time.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
I fogive but next time...MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS...it's a couple not a threesome. Your friend is in full "in lust" mode she won't listen to reason...let her learn from her mistakes. They will break-up...whether it takes them a few days...or a few years.
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