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Sunday Confessional: I Told My Friend She Looked Bad

A good friend of mine recently broke up with her live-in boyfriend of three years. Though it was her decision to end things, it was still a difficult choice to make; she still really cares about him. All her friends have been there for her and she's done a great job moving on. In an effort to put the past behind her, she wanted to make a change, so she committed the cardinal breakup sin of changing her look. She'd always had long, dark, beautiful chestnut hair and without consulting any of us, she went to the salon, cut it short, and dyed it blond!

She invited me over to come see her new locks and I was speechless — she looked like a completely different person! I could tell that she loved it and I could see a new sense of confidence in her face, but I absolutely hated it. In my opinion, she looked 10 times better before. When she asked my "honest opinion," I gave it to her. I told her it wasn't my favorite look on her. She got incredibly upset, told me I was an unsupportive friend, and asked me to leave her house. Now I'm feeling horrible for hurting my friend's feelings, but I didn't know what to do; she asked me to be honest! I've called her, written her emails, and sent text messages apologizing, but she won't return any of my efforts. I know I should have just lied under the circumstances, but can I be forgiven for speaking the truth?


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divinedebris divinedebris 8 years
I would forgive. It sounds like she was trying to be honest with her friend and it blew up in her face. If someone asks for honesty, then give 'em honesty. I would prefer someone to tell me the truth, even if it hurts.
JujuTruant JujuTruant 8 years
You're not telling the entire story. I'm sure more went on than you described if she kicked you out of her home and refuses to speak to you. Lying isn't a good option.
Simbelmyne Simbelmyne 8 years
Forgive, cause she asked for your opinion, but I was speechless when I read the "without consulting us" bit. Hello, woman, she's a grown girl, where exactly does your opinion fit in with her choices? This said, she acted childish when you did the right thing and apologised, so she's the one being ridiculous right now.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
u did the right thing. she should be happy that u liked her natural look better. and sorry to say this, but shes being a bit of a drama queen. guess she likes the attention. but honesty is the best policy. dont feel bad, u did nothing wrong.
Lyv Lyv 8 years
I'd forgive, but next time you shouldn't criticize something your friend can't change right away - te hair's gone, what is she gonna do? You could have waited a couple months before hinting that you miss the old look.
Kat-E Kat-E 8 years
I said "forgive," because it should be something easy to get over, but I still think you're kind of an insensitive a-hole. If you could tell she loved it and it made her feel good, what does it matter what you think? When I first cut my hair short, I got mixed reviews from my girlfriends, but you know who absolutely loved it? Guys. I got TONS of attention from guys because I loved my hair and it gave me a nice little boost of confidence, which is the really attractive part of a person. I hope your friend doesn't take your opinion to heart too much. She really should forgive you, but you should understand that it's not that you didn't like her hair, it's that you obviously didn't care if what you said would hurt her feelings.
ceark ceark 8 years
honestly, she should be the one asking for forgiveness, not the other way around. honesty is a the foundation of a true friendship, and if she asks for an honest opinion and can't take it, that's a problem.
FactCheckinCuz FactCheckinCuz 8 years
totally forgivable. the girl ASKED for an opinion and you can't be upset if you don't get the answer you wanted. the other girl seems rather immature.
smp7328 smp7328 8 years
I totally agree with glowingmoon on this one.
Angela123 Angela123 8 years
Honestly, I think you knew it would hurt her when you said it. You said that you could see she loved it and had new-found confidence. So obviously you knew that not only did she like the look, but it was helping her get over her break-up. It doesn't matter if YOU like her hair, it doesn't even matter much if she walks around looking bad. If you're truly her friend, what matters most is her happiness. Being truthful is important, but not more important than her feelings. It really doesn't matter what you think of her hair, and I said not forgive because I think you knew it wasn't the right thing to say.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
if a person asks for the truth i think it's only fair to tell them the truth. sounds like she's one of those people who really mean they want you to validate THEIR opinion. forgive. but next time ask her first what she thinks and then just say "i totally agree"!
corcar86 corcar86 8 years
I think that you were a good friend for being able to tell the truth in difficult situation and I don't chide you for being honest, but considering she couldn't go and undo such a big change like that she is prob just feeling insecure about it. I hope that you guys can work it out but if she can't forgive you for being honest when she asked you to be then that is her problem not yours
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
I think too that while she may be mad right now, give it some time and she'll come around. She's probably just very fragile right now and any criticism is hard for her. She'll forgive you in time (I mean, it's just a hairstyle for cripes sake). And in the future, just remember if she asks you to be honest, liiiiiiiiiiiiie like a rug babe.
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 8 years
Honesty is always the best policy. I would hate a friend even more if she lied to me than if she told me the bitter truth!
geebers geebers 8 years
I agree with you ummyeaits
ummyeaitsmarcie ummyeaitsmarcie 8 years
Truth: "You look so happy and confident, you ready to paint the town read tonight?" Truth: "Its not my favorite look on you" Both are true, you could have waited on the last one since there is no way for her hair to suddenly be long again.
ummyeaitsmarcie ummyeaitsmarcie 8 years
Umm.. I don't get why ever one is like "what, did she want you to lie to her?" there's a difference in being honest and being brutally so. Unless she asked "do you like this better than my old look?" why did you have to compare them? Also, I know that changes really shock my eyes, so I think changes in my own personal style and in my friends' look terrible until I've adjusted to them. Why couldn't you have taken a moment and complemented how confident and happy she looked. Even with the worst hair cut, her confidence would make her shine. She just went through a break up and then you knocked her a new one by basically insulting the "new her". You could have waited and later told her that you liked her long hair and thought the darker shade complemented her skin better. I don't think you meant to be hurtful, but you need to learn tact. I hope her other friends build up her confidence again and I hope she forgives you.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
Unless you said something like "OH MY GOD. What have you DONE to yourself!? You look like death warmed over!" Then I say forgive. From what you say you told her "It's not my favorite look" and that was an honest answer. The truth is, it was probably a shock for you, and given time I'd bet it will grow on you. However she's being a bit melodramatic. If she didn't want your honest answer, she shouldn't have asked for it.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
Forgive... I believe in always telling the truth about stuff like that.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 8 years
Tuh. You were honest, what your friend needs now is honesty, support doewsn't come in the form of praising a hairstyle you don't like, but in telling her that your there and your glad her new hair makes her feelfantastic.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
"I could tell that she loved it and I could see a new sense of confidence in her face, but I absolutely hated it." Truthfully, if I was the OP, I would have been happy to see my good friend in a positive mood (given her sad break-up). To me, my dislike for her hair would matter nothing. About her hair, I would have told her,"You look cute. It's good to see you happy!" If that makes me "too sensitive," I'm fine with that. Yes, I am sensitive to my good friends. It has strengthened my friendships, not weakened them. :)
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
I completely understand wanting to be honest with your friend, but at that particular moment in her life she REALLY needed you to lie!
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 8 years
forgive! if i ask a friend "what's your honest opinion?" i want a REALLY honest opinion. when i cut my hair short after finally leaving a boyfriend i cared about but was going no where, my sister kind of laughed at me. i had cut it myself and had done a funky job. you couldn't tell from the front so she HAD to tell me but i was greatful. and i had guy friends tell me i looked better with longer hair, but i didn't hate them for telling me it's "not my favorite"
reeeeka reeeeka 8 years
She asked for your HONEST opinion. If you weren't a true friend you would have lied. She's acting childish and it's probably because of her fragile state of mind. I would put money on it that the confidence you saw in her face was a mask and her efforts to change her look was to make herself feel better and when you told her you didn't like it that mask fell off.
quietriott quietriott 8 years
it is a haircut, and you said that you could see the confidence that it gave her - so why go and say something that you would only bring her down and make her feel bad? honesty is important, but it is a haircut, not a major life decision. and i don't know that i would want to hang out with a friend who is more interested in being "honest" and making me feel bad about myself than caring about my feelings.
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