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Sunday Confessional: I Want to Leave Her

My girlfriend and I are both 24 years old and have been together for nearly four years. Two years ago we were in a terrible car accident together. I was driving at the time, when an oncoming car swerved across our lane. I walked away with chronic back problems, but my girlfriend was critically injured. She spent two weeks in the hospital, where she had multiple surgeries to fix her broken arms and legs. She did eventually recover, but she has a very bad scar that runs the entire length of her face; she looks like a different person.

At the time, I struggled with extensive amounts of guilt over what had happened to her. I did everything to be a good boyfriend while she recovered; I worked closely with her through her rehabilitation and was always there for her. Once she was doing better, we started focusing on our relationship again. We've been making it work, with ups and downs of course, but overall we've been happy. However, in the last couple months, I've found myself longing for something else.

I care about my girlfriend deeply, and I think that we'll always have a connection, but I don't love her the same way I used to. Based on a few conversations, I know that my girlfriend and our families assume that we'll marry because of what's happened. I don't want to abandon her — she still copes daily with her appearance and physical pain — and I don't want to disappoint our families, but I'm just not sure that's what I want. Can I ever be forgiven if I walk away from this relationship?

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KCLea KCLea 8 years
If it's because of her looks, which it sounded like it was, then you are scum. What goes around comes around. If you feel that you don't love her anymore for other reasons, however, that's just how things go sometimes. I think you should talk with her about your feelings and who knows, maybe she feels the same way.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
WOW, ure such a horrible person. u dont want her anymore just because she looks different? u never loved her, u just loved the way she looked. u suck badly. ure such a selfish bastard. i hope u suffer a bad injury and lose ure looks and some girl whom u love would do that to u. then u`ll know the pain. really, i have never heard of someone so shallow and cheap like u. i pity u and hate u deeply. i dont forgive u for this. but yeah, walk away, she deserves someone better. not a scum bag like u. leave her for her sake. she deserves way better than u
alexask alexask 8 years
omg kh61582! i'm going through the exact thing. i'm 21 and was with an older guy but i'm also not sexually attracted to him. problem is, i never really was, but i thought it would get better with time. it has but not significantly. and he totally plays the guilt card, except he says i'll never find anyone better and has always threatened with me with that to make me stay. but i'm finally at my last leg, cause how will i know if anyone's better for me if i don't find out?
kh61582 kh61582 8 years
That's really tough. I'm in a similar ( and yet totally different) situation. I'm 22 and I've been with a much older man for years. He's still crazy about me but I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore and I have flounder on ending it firmly because he's so emotional and always tells me he'll never find someone after me which makes me feel really guilty BUT I believe that everything happens for a reason and good people ultimately are given good things in their life. If you just don't love her the same way then you shouldn't sacrifice your whole life out of guilt. I'm gonna cut you some slack and say that even if your change of heart is based on her appearance it's still not unforgivable. My boyfriend is a great guy and he's my best friend but one of my biggest issues is that I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore and at 22 I really don't want to resign myself to that type of relationship. You feel what you feel so do what you have to do but be really gentle because she's going to feel really lousy for a long time but I believe both of you have a good chance of finding the right people.
morrighu morrighu 8 years
So, let me see... You can either make both of you miserable by marrying someone you don't love and who probably isn't in love with you anymore either. Or you can give both of you at least a chance to be happy. I'm sorry this is a no-brainer to me. You'll need to muster up all your tact and diplomacy to do this, but if your heart isn't in it, it's just not in it.
alexask alexask 8 years
geez dude that sucks...sorry. but relationships fade away sometimes regardless of outside factors like facial scarring. that's a hard one. but i would try to stop it now before you get even deeper in the relationship.
Bearwoman Bearwoman 8 years
Sorry, you there above my comment. I didn't read it until later. You were being sarcastic. Get it.
Bearwoman Bearwoman 8 years
I don't think you're a "monster". I agree with the people here saying that if you really don't feel the same way for her, then you should break it off, as gently as possible. If this is about her looks, that sucks, but it sounds like you have been supportive and really tried to make things work. I hope both of you find the love you deserve.
ravanwild ravanwild 8 years
NOT FORGIVE! You're a monster... what a stupid thing to say,,, why even post an answer like that, its not as if he said, oh i cant stand to look at her anymore and i think shes so ugly it hurts my head,,, they grow apart like what happens to people, as was said before, who start dating when they are 20 or so,,, also the accident they were in,, was an accident, its not like he tried to kill her or said, hey theres on coming traffic lets see what happens if we hit an on coming car, it happens, if he's not happy he has every right and reason to walk and she can do better by finding someone who doesnt stay with her cuz they feel obligated to do so
Sevy Sevy 8 years
I agree with brittb7. If you don't feel the same about her because of her physical appearance, I feel that you should not be forgiven. That's just shallow. But, if you haven't felt the same way towards her emotionally, then I vote forgive. You can't be blamed for how your heart feels and if you truly think it's best that you move on, then do it. She'll be hurt, but you're hurting her more by faking your feelings.
sldc sldc 8 years
I am with those who voted unforgivable, if your disinterest is because of her scars.
krrn krrn 8 years
forgive. noone should ever stay in a relationship out of guilt. if you were married it would be different, but you're only 24.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 8 years
I agree with hithatsmybike. It sounds like it might be devastating to her, but it will be a million times worse if you stay with her or marry her when you don't love her in that way anymore.
joesbabygirl joesbabygirl 8 years
It was hard for me to push the forgive button just because I hate to see broken hearts...but forgive.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
You should never be guilted into staying with someone. Forgive.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Forgive all the way. You cannot stay with someone you don't want to stay with - for any reason. It's simply not fair to yourself, nor to her. It won't be easy to leave without a very heavy heart, but please do not feel guilty. Or guiltier than you would if you left someone you didn't have this horrible experience with. This should not be a consideration. It doesn't matter why you leave her if you do - whether it's because you've grown apart, or even if it's because of her scar. Physical attraction is an important part of any relationship, and you proved by sticking it out for two extra years, through the times she needed you, that you're not a shallow imbecile. But maybe looking at that scar is too hard because it makes you feel guilty. Or maybe, yes, she simply does not look like the person you fell in love with, and that can be jarring and destabilize your feelings of love. I love my boyfriend but if we had an accident tomorrow and he lost an arm, I don't know whether I could get over my stump-phobia. I just don't know what I would do, so I can't judge, and in the end it doesn't matter: think long and hard about your decision, maybe go see a therapist for a bit to sort through all those emotions, and then make up your mind with a clear head and a clear heart. Good luck!
EricaJane EricaJane 8 years
are you sure you can't try to work it out? seek counseling? i just think you need to be really sure before you make a decision like this.. though it's not your fault, things are going to be very tough on her. I could not imagine going through that and then losing my partner.. I hope she is feeling some of the same sentiment as you, that's all I can say.
Rebecca14916991 Rebecca14916991 8 years
I say forgive if you just don't feel that spark anymore and are only staying with her because you feel guilty for the accident ( which wasn't even your fault to begin with). You will hurt her so much more in the long run by staying with her than by leaving now, because inevitably you will feel trapped and either become visibly and terribly unhappy and/or fall in love with someone else. If she really loves you, the first would make her feel like the worst person in the world for "making" you stay, and the second would just tear her apart in the worst possible way. If you have truly fallen out of love with her, then it is much kinder to break it off now; at least she has the freedom then to find someone who will love her for who she is. I would think hard on this though, and give yourself at least a month before you make this decision; there was a time when I became dissatisfied enough with my boyfriend to break up with him for something that was not his fault and he had no control over, and after two weeks I no longer felt that way and decided to stay with him. If you feel the same way after that amount of time, then I say go through with it. But understand that you two may never be able to talk to each other again, and that her family may never forgive you even if she does. If it's because of her looks, then you have done her no favors by staying with her thus far and making her think you love her. In that case I would say you need to get your priorities straight and not forgive.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
same as above. you're 24, you get to change your mind. if other people have problems with it so be it. the accident doesn't have to be the defining moment in your whole entire life.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
"The only unforgivable thing you can do is staying with her when you don't really want to be with her." Exactly right.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 8 years
If you don't love her anymore simply because you feel that there's no spark in your relationship anymore, I'd definitely say forgive. You'd be doing her an injustice by staying with her if you don't really care about her, because she deserves someone who does love her just like every other person. Obviously, you'll have to be ready for a lot of repercussions that come with any major breakup(hurting her, upsetting family, splitting up anything you two may same, hearing friends' opinions you may not like, etc.) But if leaving her is what you really want, that's what you have to deal with. As long as it has nothing to do with the way she looks now.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
Forgive. Its very sad what happened to the both of you, and its even worse of a shame that this tragic accident has left you both stuck and holding on. If I am assuming right, I am sure you just miss the zest of feeling young and enjoying life and not dwelling on what happened. Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel. I bet you both still have a lot of growing up to do even before you think about being together, if so, forever.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Well, don't do her any favors by sticking around if you don't want to be there, but if it's because of her looks, im disappointed.
omilawd omilawd 8 years
FORGIVE. If you don't want to stay with her, don't. If you do, you'll end up causing more pain when you inevitably break up, and you'll feel even worse. I say "when," because from what I gathered, you're only with her because you feel guilty about the accident. Well, an accident is just that: an accident, and it doesn't sound like it was your fault. Break it off quick and clean.
sw33tlovin sw33tlovin 8 years
it's gonna hurt her, but you owe her the truth esp. because of all you've gone through. and later, she'll respect you for it. her family and her either won't forgive you or if they do, it'll take a lot of time. i think one of the worse parts about this is that none of this is your fault...the accident, you falling for someone else. you can't help who you fall for, but you can help how you handle this situation. good luck.
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