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Sunday Confessional: I Wasn't There When She Needed Me

Sunday Confessional: I Wasn't There When She Needed Me

A few weekends ago, I ditched out on my long-time friend to hang out with a guy that I have feelings for. My friend and I had been planning on going to the movies, and when I canceled she got upset with me. Since I so rarely flake out, I immediately became irritated with her, and we ended the phone call on a very negative note. We didn't hang out that night, and I ended up going over to my date's house.

Much later in the night, when I was fooling around with my crush, I got a text message from my friend saying that she needed to talk to me. I ignored it out of anger. A few minutes later she called me, and again, I ignored it. Not giving it much thought, I put my phone on silent. I was annoyed, but I figured I'd call her in the morning and we could talk about stuff then. The next day when I checked my phone, I had multiple missed calls from my friends, desperately trying to get ahold of me.

As it turns out, my friend decided to go to the movie alone and on the way home, she had been assaulted by some young guys. They took her jewelry and her wallet. Needless to say, she was shaken up, but luckily they didn't hurt her and fortunately, she had her phone in her back pocket so she was able to call for help. As it turned out, she was trying to get ahold of me to meet her at the police station. She eventually got another friend to come get her, but I wasn't there to help her when she needed me most. I feel beyond horrible. I've seen her since and tried to talk her, but things are strained; I'm not sure I should even try explaining myself. I'm so torn up. Is what I did to her and our friendship ever forgivable?


Join The Conversation
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
'we need to talk' definitely doesnt sound like a mugging situation. it sounded like a break up (lol) or a personal talk. it definitely didnt sound like 'omg i got mugged and im at the police station, please help'. well i dont know. but u shouldve picked up since she called her ass off. and yeah, its a bullshit thing to blow off a friend for a guy. but u said that u dont flake out a lot, and u had feelings for this guy, and it was just a movie plan. she shouldve understood. but this sounds like something you could get past.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
i voted forgive. because she shouldve understood when u wanted to go out with the dude u had feelings for, because u hardly ever cancel plans with her. it may take some time to mend things with her but she definitely should forgive u. give ureself a break. its not like its something u do frequently. if i were her i would understand
soybean589 soybean589 8 years
I half agree with RockandRepublic on this one. It wasn't your fault so I think most people would say you should be forgiven. However, you don't seem to value her friendship. You should probably feel more guilty about that.
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
I'm undecided. I see it both ways. It wasn't your fault that she got mugged, but it was your fault you ignored her calls. You really owe her, let her be the judge of whether or not you will be forgiven.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
I said forgive. You're beating yourself up over this obviously so I'm not going to tell you how wrong you were, you know that. All you can do is say you're sorry and that you hope she'll forgive you, and then give her time to come around. It's going to take a while, could take a LONG while, but by accepting what you did and apologizing, in this case she SHOULD forgive you.
chipjimi chipjimi 8 years
Not forgive. If my friend is tryng to call me multiple times it would mean that whatever it is, it's important.
bransugar79 bransugar79 8 years
I say forgive because you couldn't have known what was going to happen, and being there in all honesty may not have changed the outcome. I think you need to go to her and tell her how bad you feel about the whole thing and ask if she can forgive you for being insensitive which I think you were. but all in all it wasn't a horribly abnomral reaction considering what had happened earlier
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
I say forgive I don't think it's 'needy' or 'crutch like' to rely on a friend, especially if your parents or family might not live in the same city as you. That being said, I understand the OP being irritated and ignoring the friend's calls, too. I think it's something I would probably have done! Not good manners at all, but if you're annoyed with someone you can't help how you react sometimes. I might have been suspicious after a ton of phonecalls though, but your cell was on silent so I guess you couldn't have known. Just let things die down for a while and tell her exactly what you've written here when the dust has settled. Say you were annoyed and you didn't feel like talking, and obviously you're beyond sorry about what happened. What more can you do/say to make it up to her?
HayleyStark HayleyStark 8 years
Not forgive. It wasn't your fault that it happened, but flaking was your fault. I can't believe so many people think that is ok. I never flake on plans with friends for a guy (or a guy for friends- I honor whatever commitments I make). You should've told the guy "I have plans already" and made plans for a different night with him. I'm not even saying you necessarily have to answer your phone when you're on a date, but you shouldn't have been on this date when you already had plans. I hope it doesn't work out between you and the guy.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 8 years
I say forgive, but maybe this will tach you to not hold a grudge so easily.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
You shouldn't have flaked out on your friend but you could not control what happened to her so I say forgive. We have all bailed on friends at one time or another for one reason or another. I do not think you are a bad person.
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 8 years
Take this as a lesson learned and don't flake out on your friends anymore.
talanted08 talanted08 8 years
I decided not to forgive b/c if you call your self a friend then you needed to answer that phone regardless. I know I may have my spills with some friend's but I'm always going to check with someone about there well being. After reading most of the comments I can see why you should be for given but like it's been said family is the # 1 people you can depend on!! Good Luck!!
apothecary06 apothecary06 8 years
BryPouncy, you're totally right - in an emergency, don't put all of your eggs in one basket, or one friend with her phone on silent. In fact, your first call should be the police, no matter what - the sooner they get to the scene, the better the chances of the mugger getting caught. Maybe the OP's friend did do that - there's no way of knowing from what we know. When it was me, my phone was stolen and the attacker had injured me, but a neighbor found me - and yes, the first call on his phone was 911. I later called friends, family, and my boss from the emergency room pay phone - my first priority was getting treated and telling the police what they needed to know.
BryPouncy BryPouncy 8 years
I said forgive because A) You didn't know that was going to happen, no one did. B) You already told her you were irritated by her being upset so calling you was ...well dumb on her part and C)Yeah ditching friends is bad but we ALL do it but if she needed help SO badly she should have called more than one person rather than calling someone multiple times who wasn't answering their phone. The limit is 2 txts and one call before you know "Oh wow the phone may be on silent" and you go to call someone else OR the police.
aistea311 aistea311 8 years
Karlotta, I was thinking the same thing.
sonya-ina sonya-ina 8 years
What happened to your friend is horrible, but ultimately it's not your fault. I don't think you are a bad friend, but perhaps next time you receive that many calls in a row you should stop what you are doing and see what's up. Maybe you should get her some mace?
CYL CYL 8 years
I am on the fence on this one. I mean if someone is calling you that many times something is obviously up. I would have picked up the phone or checked. I am not ok with the skipping out on the friend to be with a guy part. Guys come and go...Friends stick with you through all the coming and goings!
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
forgive... having your phone on silent is not a crime! and everyone's entitled to screen calls, and talk when it is convenient for you, and you have the energy and desire to talk. sorry about what happened to the friend, of course, hope the friendship will survive and she doesn't blame you, as its not your fault.
TASTEthiss TASTEthiss 8 years
There's a possibility that the text message "we need to talk" was sent BEFORE she was attacked or even left her home to see the movie. So I doubt she's lying. besides, why would her other friends lie about the situation? Anyways, I voted forgive. There's no way you could have known. However, maybe it's a sign that you shouldn't hold grudges. Life is short and it could've been much worse. (Hate to sound cheesy.)
katherinev katherinev 8 years
she should have texted you saying what had happened instead of just that she needed to talk to you, not your fault.
berrypeachie berrypeachie 8 years
I think your friend should have communicated her distress rather than say we need to talk. Text doesn't really communicate distress, and the fact she didn't leave a voice message says something. She should have said help in her text or something that would show signs that she communicated she was in trouble as well as left a voice message. I would say forgive, you are not responsible for what happened to her. Just try to spend time with her and work through everything and pave over what has happened, make it known you will be there for her as a friend, even though you weren't there to protect her, even then, if you were there you would have been assaulted as well. So you cannot blame yourself, just communicate with your friend the importance of your friendship and the mistake of not hanging out with her that night.
HeidiMD HeidiMD 8 years
There is no way you could have known what would happen to her. Granted, your choice probably wasn't the best or most mature, but it happens. You can't worry that, every time you don't know for sure your friend is out with someone else, she will be the victim of a crime. It was just a very unfortunate statistic.
itsme3683 itsme3683 8 years
I think you owe her a REALLY nice dinner, and a present. A taser, perhaps...?
geebers geebers 8 years
I forgive. You made a bad judgement call. You are human. Also you say you rarely flake on your friends, but you chose to do it this time. In the future, it is really bad form to make plans when you already have plans. I can't imagine ever ditching my friends for a guy -not without expressly understanding that no one would be upset or offended. As for the trauma your friend went through- coulda woulda didn't know and you seem to feel badly. Apologize, apologize, apologize. Then let it go -if your friend comes around great but if not- you tried your best.
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