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Sunday Confessional: I Won't Experiment in Bed With Him

Sunday Confessional: I Won't Experiment in Bed With Him

I have been in my current relationship for about a year, but I have known my boyfriend for four years. We were friends before getting together, and I actually knew him throughout my last relationship. During the time before we were together and after my last relationship, I jokingly, and perhaps teasingly, made references to the sex life with my ex, who was always convincing me to try something new.

Once we got together I stopped discussing my sexual past; however, if he flat out asked me if I had done a particular sexual deed or position, I would tell him if I had. Basically, he knows more about my sexual history than I would like. We have a good sex life, but recently, he has been putting a lot of pressure on me to experiment with him in the bedroom because he knows that I've tried certain things before. I am happy to oblige with some of his requests, but others I am not interested in trying again.

He assumes that since I was a willing participant with my last boyfriend, I should also be with him. I have tried to make it clear to him that just because I've done things before doesn't mean that I want to do them again, but he's really struggling with this. He is more hurt than angry; he feels like I must be less into him than my previous boyfriend. I feel terrible for making him think he's inadequate. I want to move past this, but I'm just not willing to try some of these things again. Can I be forgiven if I stand my ground on this or am I being selfish?

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Isista Isista 9 years
Well, there's nothing to forgive. Yes, I agree that you should only do things that you are comfortable with. But I can still understand his insecurity. Personally, for me, I would try some of the things he wanted (unless of course they were dangerous or traumatizing). But if you are really uncomfortable, then let him know.
avettafawna avettafawna 9 years
I agree with Tidalwave. Unless the things he is asking you to do are painful or dangerous, I think you should retry them with your new boyfriend. Have an open mind. If you still aren't into it, then at least you will have done it once with this new boyfriend, and his ego will be satisfied enough for him to finally shut up about it. Off topic- Is it just me or does the stock photo, at first glance, look like two dudes in bed together?
MartiniLush MartiniLush 9 years
Forgive. Besides, why would he WANT you to do something you don't like?? Maybe you two could explore some things neither of you has tried before... :-)
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
I think you should try it again. Unless it was something traumatizing, I have done things in bed with one guy that i did not enjoy one bit! But with another guy, it was absolutely amazing.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
Forgive. It seems like he is trying to one-up your last boyfriend so he can be the 'best you've ever had'.
Nina_79 Nina_79 9 years
I agree with some of the posts. There is nothing to forgive here. Sex always has to be about doing things both people want, here and now. He should not put any pressure on you to do something you don't want to do now, regardless if you have done it before or not. As far as his insecurities go, do you have any idea where they might be coming from? Is is happy with his job? Have you been having some problems in your relationship lately? Show him that you love him but this doesn't have to be in a sexual way, because you can show your affection in so many other forms. On a side note, I find it a bit disturbing that this question was picked as a vote to forgive or not forgive, as I don't think she is doing anything wrong. DearSugar I think this was not a very good choice for this post. Mostly I can see both sides of the story when this question is asked, but here it seems like there is nothing to forgive.
j00j j00j 9 years
i agree with Bookish...whats to forgive? stand your ground, dont do anything youre uncomfortable with. my boyfriend and i were having sex problems where he felt inadequate too, and talking to each other about the problem is crucial
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 9 years
Forgive. And maybe he should come up with some positions neither of you have tried. He's lacking in the creativity department if he only wants to do what you've already done.
brookrene brookrene 9 years
Forgive. But you HAVE to tell him why you aren't willing to try these things again. I was extremely unwilling to try a few things with my bf that i had done before for various reasons, but we talked about it and i trusted him to take things easy and if i experienced anxiety with anything we were trying he would stop. And i'm so happy i did try things again with him. :)
Bookish Bookish 9 years
Totally forgive- what's there even to forgive? Pressuring you into experimenting when you don't want to is lame and irritating.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
Just in case it isn't clear yet, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO! A guy who tries to pressure or guilt-trip you into things is NOT a good guy. It's good to experiment, and not be totally uptight with your guy, but if you already know you don't like something, then there's really nothing to discuss.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Yeah, not a question of forgiveness. I thought peer pressure was a thing of the past but i reckon not. Don't let him or anyone make you feel bad or try to force you to do something you don't want to do.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I don't think you should have to do anything you don't want to do. And I don't really see this as a forgive/not forgive situation either. But, I think he feels a little tricked here. You say you were always telling him about your wild sex life when you weren't together. He thought he was getting together with a flirtatious and adventurous girl, and now it seems like you were just titillating him and that wasn't really who you are. He probably feels a little let down and a little hurt that you were willing to try things with one guy and not willing with him. The way he sees it is probably that just because you didn't like something with the last guy, doesn't mean he can't do it right for you and he just wants you to give it a try with him. Again, don't do anything you don't want to do. And if you absolutely refuse to give certain things a try with him, that's your right. But, I don't think he's out of line here in the way he's feeling.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Well he's done a pretty good job at turning this around and making you feel bad about this situation and yourself. The real problem here is that your with a manipulative man who is trying to force you to do something that you've already specifically told him you don't want to do. No one under ANY circumstance should feel as though they are being forced to do something they don't want to, especialy not after you've already given your reasons why you don't want to. Your crazy to be questioning yourself when you should be really questioning what type of man your with!
Marci Marci 9 years
I don't even see this as a Forgive/Not Forgive situation. After trying some things, you decided you don't want to do them again. There's nothing about that that requires any forgiving. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be respecting you and your feelings. Who cares what you did with other people? If you aren't comfortable with doing something, why is he pushing that? I'd actually look very closely at that behavior in him, because I expect it probably shows itself in ways outside of bed, too.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
who wouldn't forgive? it's absurd to say that because someone did something once they are obligated to do it again. you aren't being selfish at all. sex is something that has to feel right to you each time or it can feel like rape. don't let him bully you into anything you aren't totally comfortable with. sexual pressure is wrong.
lms lms 9 years
I say forgive. If you tried something and didn't like it, then he shouldn't be pressuring you to do it again. Tell him that it has nothing to do with him, but the act was not enjoyable and you don't think that it had anything to do with your ex not doing it correctly. Hopefully he will respect your decision and stop asking for certain things.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Forgive. I agree with Sass317. You are not being selfish. You are being fair to yourself. You are respecting your own feelings. Also, I believe your sexuality is YOURS, not his. In having a physical relationship with him, you are SHARING your sexuality with him. Definitely, your preferences (as well as his) matter! It's not all about him. If you ask me, HE'S being the selfish one. He's immature, and rather manipulative. Don't fall for it. If he wants complete autonomy, he should be having sex with a blow-up doll. Then whatever he says goes. However, if he wants a sexual relationship with another human being, like yourself, he should consider your feelings and preferences because they're part of who you are. Also, if I were you, I would be careful about him. If he's still pushy about getting his way, he's mistreating you. You are not his sex toy. You have preferences and feelings, and they matter. Furthermore, like I mentioned earlier, you are sharing your sexuality with him. He's receiving a PRIVILIGE. If he's not receiving that with respect and humbleness, he doesn't deserve it. Show him the door.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
i think he being a big baby. if u dont want to do it , u shouldnt be forced to. u've clearly showed disinterest in the things he wants to experiment with, so he obviously is considering this some sort of competition, who experiments more, him or ur ex. i agree with the poster who said try to initiate some sort of other things in bed, things that can be ur thing together, something that ur ex didnt do. and im sorry about him knowing about ur past sex life, thats never fun :P
Murmur314 Murmur314 9 years
I meant "...the things he wants to try...", of course.
Murmur314 Murmur314 9 years
It may very well be that he doesn't mean less to you than your ex, however I can totally understand that he won't let it go. You say you didn't enjoy the things he wants to try in the past but it's a fact that it was *someone else* who did them with you. There are lots of intimate things that can hurt if done wrongly, and your ex might have done just that. Who says you won't enjoy them with your new partner? You won't know unless you try, and you're not willing to. If I were your boyfriend, I'd feel the exact same way he does, as it would make me feel untrusted and less important. After all, you're not trusting him to not hurt you - instead, you apparently assume that the things you want to try will be as unpleasant as they were with your ex. Give him a chance. Otherwise, let him be with someone who appreciates his playfulness and desire to keep your love sparkling.
Lambsauce Lambsauce 9 years
Definitely forgive, and I also agree with Sass317. You should not have to give in to doing something you know you don't like! Maybe you could try finding some new things you haven't tried that you're interested in, and offer them to try out? That'd let him know that you are, indeed, into him, and (hopefully) take some of the pressure off.
Sings4Smiles Sings4Smiles 9 years
I agree with Sass317. If he knows that the things he is asking you to try with him were things you did not like in the past, he should be OK with you not wanting to try them, again. Granted, it may be different with him (perhaps for the better), but you should not do things you are not comfortable with.
sass317 sass317 9 years
You just need to make him understand that just bc you tried something doesnt mean you want to do it again, and not everything you have tried in the past were things that you found enjoyable. And if he cant let it go then he should be the one to feel bad for pressuring you to do things you arent comfortable with. Its one thing for him to try to convince you to do something you havent done before- bc you have no idea whether or not you would like it, but to try to get you to do things that you already KNOW you dont like, then thats just selfish.
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