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Sunday Confessional: I've Been Faking Orgasms Our Entire Relationship!

Sunday Confessional: I've Been Faking Orgasms Our Entire Relationship!

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for over five months. I'm very happy with where we are as couple except for one area: our sex life. My boyfriend just doesn't do it for me! I'm completely attracted to him, but his moves just don't get me to where I need to go. It's partially my fault; I've never communicated my likes and dislikes, instead, I've been faking orgasms (I know, I know) since day one.

At first it was just a matter of not ruining the night, but after a while it would have just been too weird if I didn't (pretend) orgasm anymore. I guess I just figured it would work itself out, but it hasn't. So now, in all these months, I haven't had one real orgasm and I can't take it anymore! I am satisfied in every other way, and I want to make it work, but I can't even comprehend what his reaction might be if I tell him the truth. He's a kind man, but he's still very prideful. Do you think he could ever forgive me for this?


Join The Conversation
ltoya ltoya 6 years
I say that this can be forgiven...even though it might take a while. Guys have HUGE EGOS. You just need to talk to your partner and explain to him what you would like to be done different. Most guys get off on you telling them what you want. I have never had an orgasm from intercourse my whole life. I just can' one's fault although I truly enjoy sex. I only orgasm from masturbation. But when things aren't going so great in bed I let my man know and he is always open to it. You should do the same.
nightowl88 nightowl88 8 years
I had faked orgasms for years. Foreplay was great. My husband had been with so many other women before me and I was afraid I didn't measure up. When I let him know i was faking, he was frustrated cause he had been able to satisfy all the other women. He was my first and only sex partner. I needed to loosen up and think about me. Sex is really wonderful. Don't cheat yourself by faking it. When he touches you and it feels good, tell him. Tell him what to do, that is a real turn-on for you and him. If you are watching a sexy movie and they do something that turns you on, tell him. He has to be taught to do what turns YOU on. I read a lot of books and article about sex techniques and tried them until I figured out what made him happy.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
communicate. seems like what u have is pretty great, except for the sex part. i second karlotta. karlotta- nice explaination
kh61582 kh61582 8 years
Forgive up to a point. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and for the first few months of our relationship I was in the same boat. My issue was that I started the relationship as a virgin and it just took a while for me to relax enough and get comfortable communicating what I needed. I went orgasmless for three months. Since the problem with my relationship was mostly due to my issues I never had to have a talk with my boyfriend about it and if you play your cards right you don't have to either. You don't have to say a word, just move his hands where you need it or tell him what you want in a seductive way so it doesn't sound like a command. If you loosen up and try tactics like that and it works then presto! no need to say something that will hurt him. If that doesn't work then you will absolutely need to talk to him or else the frustration will become unbearable.
gigill gigill 8 years
Yeah, I agree that you should have open talk with your dude and say something like, "look, I haven't always been having orgasms with you. Here's what you could do to make it happen all the time." It's a slight lie but it won't crush his ego completely!
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
tidalwave: poor dude! you should keep him on suicide watch for now. i mean it in a funny yet kinda serious way...that's a major blow to the E-GO!
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 8 years
I said not forgive because I'm against all kinds of lying. I know this was probably one of the smallest lies a person can tell in a relationship. However, it's still not right. I'm not sure if you should tell him you were faking. That's...really harsh. You should definitely take charge one night and show him/tell him what you like. Guys usually like it when a girl takes charge once-in-a-while, and it'll allow you to express yourself without having some big, awkward conversation.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Personally, I believe in just being honest with your partner. I think that you should have been honest from the beginning, but since you did not, I would just be honest about it now. Yeah, it will hurt his ego, but it will probably hurt the relationship more if it ends because you never enjoy sex with him. Just tell him and expect him to feel bad, but hopefully he can then begin to understand how to please you for real. In the future, always be honest with your partner, especially when it comes to sex and intimacy related issues. Good luck to you.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
The only person you are cheating here is yourself! How are you going to enjoy sex if you are essentially just lying to your boyfriend every single time you have it? Boring! Buy sex toys and incorporate them slowly into your sex life... I would find it hard to believe that there is a woman out there who CAN'T get off on these. Introduce them slowly and then it's a) something new and b) give them to your boyfriend to use and hopefully he won't mind!
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I did this for a while but honestly, it just wasn't worth it. I slowly started to stop faking, which meant I just wasn't having them at all. He noticed and asked what he could do differently to please me. We had open and honest communication but he just couldn't do it for me! Anything I asked him to do, he just did it - terribly! So, I basically stopped being sexually attracted to him, and among other things, broke up with him a few months after we tried to make the sex work.
alexask alexask 8 years
woah thanks karlotta. and to ms. sunday confessional - giirl i know what you're talking about. don't hold off longer! you deserve to be pleased too. making love should do that- make love. it should help the relationship when you can feel all that good stuff he's been feeling.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Holy crap that was a long post. Sorry - I love talking about da sex. :D
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I don't think you should tell him flat out that you've been faking and that's he's not doing it (you) right - that would destroy any guy. You know how they are with their peepees!! Gosh, I had a BF a long time ago who was really insecure about the duration of his performance, and I once admitted that it was indeed a teensy bit on the quick side. WHAT I HAD DONE!?!?!?! I learned my lesson - my confession brought on two years of panicked premature ejaculation!! Awful awful awful. I think you're gonna have to retrain him in the bedroom, with such subtlety that he doesn't realize what you're doing. It's going to be tough and it's going to take a while, but he sounds like he's worth it. Start slow and discreet. Little by little. And start at the beginning - like when you're only making out, whisper something like "ooooh I'd really like you to do "this" and "that" to me". That will turn him on (instead of putting him on the spot if you had the conversation coldly sitting on the couch) and he'll oblige. If your reaction is positive and genuine, he'll notice it, be happy, and do it again next time. If he doesn't, then tell him you want it again. Tell him how mind-blowing it was. And this time, you can give him a bit of directions; like "ooooh that's great, but earlier you did it in circles (even if it's not true and the guy's been making squares the whole time) and that was even better!" My BF is an amazing lay yet even he doesn't know all the secrets, and 3 years into our relationship I still give him directions sometimes - depending on the mood, I either play it coy (I never dared tell you how much faster it makes me come when you do A + B at the same time! - giggle giggle, hide under the covers like a goof) or assertive (I take his hand and shove it right where it should be) - I'm sure you get my gist (I don't know if you can call still call that a gist, with all the details!). Secret is to do it little by little over time, and do a shitload of positive reinforcement when he does something right. Men are not surprised by women who tell them what to do - gently and playfully. You can even throw him the ball of doing the same for him. "So honey, tell me EXACTLY how you'd like me to do this" - he'll return the favor. Or make it a game "tonight, let's ask for what really gets us off and give detailed directions". Or - yes, there are a thousand ways to do this! - put a scarf over your eyes, and tell him it's your night of being pleasured. He'll be so excited he'll do anything you ask. Anyhoo, I hope one of those works. I'm sure it will take some time. But I would NOT tell him the truth. I think that would probably be the death of his erections forever. Put yourself in his shoes - if my BF came to me and said "you're a terrible lover", I would just feel awful and self-conscious and I would not be able to have sex with him naturally and joyfully for months. And I would feel like I'm in driving school - instead of enjoying myself. Well... good luck with all that!
CYL CYL 8 years
Ok ...forgiveable...but if you know how you can have orgasms...certain positions and etc. Show him what you like and if you don't want to hurt his ego try somethign like : "you know my gfs and I were talking about sex the other day...and they suggested this..." or "I heard this is really really good"
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
i don't get how you thought things would just get better if you waited it out? poor guy. we weren't born with the skills to drive a car. someone taught us and we had a lot of practice. some people still f up and crash, and some people make little bumps and slips but all in all we learn everyday. apply that theory to your sex life. teach your boyfriend to drive. first YOU take the wheel, then let him drive but keep the 'brake' on the passengers side handy and never OVER correct the wheel, just make suggestions, no one likes a bossy teacher.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
And i thought i was frickin' dumb. You wonder why things haven't gotten better? You seriously sit and wonder about that? Things are peachy because you've been lying! He wont know unless you communicate that to him and since you're too much of a coward to speak up, you gets no happy ending. Pun intended.
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 8 years
i only voted "not forgive" cause if he's someone youre serious with then youre going to only set yourself up for a while of heartache and eventually he'll figure it out and youre cheating yourself out of orgasms. i tell my fiance when it isn't going to happen and he's fine with it--some nights they come easier than others (haha no pun intended) ... but im sure he'll forgive you if you promise to work on it but five months is a pretty big hole to dig out of
Lelee Lelee 8 years
hes going to be upset & it will mess with his head & ego. ur best bet is to slowly stop faking them. just ween it out. then when he asks what wrong just blame it on the length of ur relationship and how its getting to routine. while he thinks he's spicing it up ur actually telling him what u REALLY like. lol a bit sneaky but thats what i would do. why hurt his feelings over this?
melissa624 melissa624 8 years
Definitely forgivable, as long as you start taking care of yourself soon! I've made this mistake before, and I actually don't think you need to sit down with him and say "By the way, I haven't had an orgasm with you EVER," because as everyone has mentioned, that will definitely hurt him. What's important is that you move on and start getting what you need, right? Just think of it as starting over, and start directing him and telling him exactly what he needs to do. That's what I did, and it worked out fine. Since you've only been going out for 5 months, maybe you just didn't feel comfortable enough or invested enough in the relationship to tell him exactly what you need, which I think is understandable. But now's the time to speak up!! (Or as glamorouswink mentioned, start taking things into your own hands! Then he can follow your lead.)
Marci Marci 8 years
Absolutely forgivable. I agree with luckyme that you really need to talk to him. You and he can work it out and he can do it for you; you just need to tell him how. It's a hard discussion to have, but you'll both benefit from it. Good Luck.
luckyme luckyme 8 years
I say forgive, but you really need to talk to him! He probably is going to feel bad about himself and his abilities, but if you present it the right way, it probably won't go as badly as you think. Also, I've got to add, I feel a little sad for you! I can't imagine not getting to the big O for that long.
AyrtonSenna AyrtonSenna 8 years
Well, as a man I would have to say that this is completely forgiveable. You were certainly not ill-intentioned by faking an orgasm, but I do think that it is misguided. Please, please just gently let us know the truth! It may hit us in the ego a bit, but that is better than having the girl we love slowly becoming frustrated before our eyes and us not knowing the reason. If you don't want to just come out and say it, just give positive reinforcement when he does something right and make suggestions. Many of us men love directions and suggestions! There are always new things to try - new moves, positions, sequences or a vibrator. The longer the faking goes on the worse it gets - you become more frustrated and your boyfriend will just become more mortified when he finally knows. If he is a good man who loves you and values your pleasure and fulfillment he will understand and try to make it right. Just let him know.
glamorouswink glamorouswink 8 years
I have been having the same problems and trust me if you told him you werent getting there.... he would probably be sad and have low self esteem. And if you do tell him where to go and how to do it... that still might not work either... I HAVE tried everything!! Instead just do it yourself and eventually he will catch on!
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