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Sunday Confessional: I've Been a Selfish Sister

Sunday Confessional: I've Been a Selfish Sister

I'm 28 and the youngest of three children. My siblings and I had a challenging childhood; our dad disappeared from our lives when we were little, and our mother suffered from severe depression. My sister, the eldest, took on the responsibilities of taking care of my brother and me, even though she was only a few years older than us. As early as middle school I started to rebel, and I ended up getting into drugs and a series of abusive relationships later on.

In the process I also managed to completely alienate my sister. She was always there to help me, and I was always pushing her away. Some years ago, I did the unthinkable and hooked up with her boyfriend at the time — a man she was very in love with. She was destroyed, but she said that she knew it wasn't me. She told me she'd let it go if I checked into rehab, which she offered to pay for. After much begging, I agreed to go. But within a few weeks I left, and ended up costing my sister thousands of dollars. By that point she'd finally hit her limit, and told me she wanted me out of her life.

It's been five years and we haven't spoken, though I'm still in touch with my brother. I've cleaned up my life significantly, and I have a stable job for the first time in my life. My sister recently had her first baby, and I'm desperate to see them. But when I told my brother I was going to reach out to her, he told me not to because he doesn't think she'll be willing to see me. I know I've done some bad things, and I know I'm still imperfect, but don't you think my own sister should be able to forgive me?


Join The Conversation
erock0628 erock0628 8 years
yea what u did was horrible u made mistakes alot of them and i understande why she is acting the way she is but since u said u changed completely i think u should maybe try right her a letter a long letter of how u feel and how u want her back inyour life and what she means to u and how u have changed and send it to her or make your brother give it to her and see were it goes from there
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
drugs is not an excuse for what u did. im sorry u had a hard childhood but so did ure sister. and it would be harder for her, because she looked after all of you. instead of thanking her u hook up with the love of her life and waste a lot of her money which she obviously would have struggled to make. and now that uve changed, you think that ure sister should forgive u. if i were her, i probably wouldnt because not only did u betray her, but u also disrespected her. but ure sister forgave u after u hooked up with the man she loved, so maybe she would forgive u if u really changed and if u asked for it. but its completely wrong for u to think that u deserve her forgiveness, because u so dont
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i think that if there's anyone in the world that will forgive you and let the past be the past, it's your family. now that your sister has her own child, you'd be surprised how much she'll be willing to let things just fall by the wayside, so it can't hurt to reach out to her. i think that one of the best things to do would be to send a congratulations card or flowers or something and write a sweet note in it about and mention that you'd like to reconnect so you can get to know your niece/nephew. chances are she'll be open to do it and you'll be able to start mending fences. i'm sure that once you show her how much you've managed to turn your life around, things will start to get back to normal.
lexibaby lexibaby 8 years
No, I don't think your sister "SHOULD" forgive you, mainly because you had the audacity to even say that, like it's only her issue. Frankly, you sound just like my mother: a person who drank away her feelings and now wants instant forgiveness because she's "changed". I'm going to sound like a jerk, but it sounds like you don't understand what it's like to deal with an addict. You may have been the addict, so yes, you have that perspective, but how many nights do you think your sister sat up crying her eyes out because she thought you were dead in a ditch? How many times were you in the hospital and she was there for you? How many times did she have to take you to the hospital herself? How much did you honestly think about her when you were trying to score that next hit? How many screaming fights did you have about your addictions? Look, when you have someone in your life who is hellbent on destroying their life or numbing the pain through alcohol or drugs, nothing you can say or do will save them, and after a certain point you give up because it's either your life (your sister) or their life (yours). The hurt and the pain that is experienced from living with or taking care of an addict takes many, many years to heal. You can still love someone and not want to have anything to do with them, and it's not forgiveness that your relationship needs. It's trust, and you shattered that long ago. If you want to do something for your sister, go put the money you owe her in a bank account for the baby and have the bank call her and let her know. That way, she will know that you are making an effort without there being any confrontation. Maybe it will broker fragile communication between you two, maybe it won't. You never miss the water 'til the well runs dry.
opisnowpro opisnowpro 8 years
wow you are/were a really bad sister!
cmvitello cmvitello 8 years
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 8 years
if i were in your sisters shoes, i could forgive you... but there is no way in hell i would ever trust you again.
baybelle baybelle 8 years
I voted undecided because I do believe in family, but, if your positions were reversed, would you forgive you?
bigestivediscuit bigestivediscuit 8 years
"I know I've done some bad things, and I know I'm still imperfect, but don't you think my own sister should be able to forgive me?" The fact that you seem to feel like it's your RIGHT to be forgiven by your sister is almost more despicable than what you did.
xamich xamich 8 years
You could say that sisters should be able to forgive everything, but that's not true. There are some things that cannot be forgiven, and pushing your sister like that is one of them. It's selfish to think about contacting someone whose life you almost ruined,whose patience you tried. Let your brother know you've reformed. Let your brother tell her, but don't contact her. Don't think of your own selfish desires. If she's ready, she will contact you.
CYL CYL 8 years
We all take family for granted...but like the other posters said, you feel regret, but just because you are ready to move on, doesn't mean your sister is. After all you did the hurting and she was the one that was hurt. It really is up to her to decide when it is 'time' to forgive you....and balls in her court.
cinanime cinanime 8 years
NO, you don't deserve her forgiveness.Like you said, she has done so much for you during the past years but instead of giving her a hand,you just went out to totally destroy her life and break her apart. When you mention about hooking up with her bf, this is both his and your fault as it takes two hands to clap.So if he is a jerk, then what makes you any different? And before you posted this article, have you even tried to make ammends yet? Yeah, you are trying to make ammends for yourself only by having a stable job and etc.So what? Did you make any ammends for your poor elder sister whom has gone through hell just to make sure both you and your brother have a roof above your heads?Forget about giving her a hand, but you just think of ways to pull her down. She could have brighter days but suffered terribly just because you have some problems about yourself and wanted attention.Why don't you put yourself in her shoes and see how that feels.She too has her own problems just like everyone else but you dump yours to her and later want her to forgive you?Isn't that asking too much and not being fair?You are her 'sister' but have you ever act like one.It doesn't matter if you are related to her or not, as long as you have done something wrong, you account for ALL of them and she will see if you are worthy of forgiveness. You should listen to your brother's advice but out of goodwill, give her a call to congragulate but that's it.No coming closer to her or taking the chance to apologise cuz it will only sadden her more.By asking her forgiveness, it is like siting there waiting for money to drop from the sky and that's not happening.You should earn it first and by doing that, understand what she's been through, which means knowing her so well that it was like you being in her shoes up til now.But that's not all, you should make ammends for it too.So to summaries how you are going to earn her forgiveness is: 1.Forgive yourself (For everything you done wrong) 2.change yourself to be better(NOT worse!) 3.understand her 4.Make ammends(NO matter how long it takes!) 5.Be like how a sister should be (Treat her good from the bottom of your heart cuz she deserves every bit) 6.Give her time and space to adjust And from there, let nature take its course, done!=D I know I have said alot but hey, its worth it,Good luck!^_~
apma apma 8 years
Before you even ask for forgiveness, you should pay your sister back the money she spent for your rehab. I'm sure she could use that money now that she has a new baby. She may not need the money but it's the right thing to do so write a letter of apology and send it. And leave it at that. If you're really committed to being a different person, live that out in your actions and reveal it to your brother and create a great relationship with him. When the time is right, your sister will come to you.
sunnynight sunnynight 8 years
I agree with the poster above who says you should try to at least repay your sister for the money she spent on your failed attempt at rehab. Also write a letter saying how sorry you are and how you've changed. And a gift for the baby.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years, austerity...that little guy was creeping me out too! :ROTFL: I just missed my baby. And his birthday is on Thurday... EVERYONE...very important news!! John Mayer's 31st birthday is on Thursday Oct. 16th. Thank you. :LOVE: ( :cake: refreshments will be served in the break room.) :nerdgirl:
ESPNgirl ESPNgirl 8 years
I think that you need to write her a letter and express to her all of the things and realizations that you have come to both in this post and also with what you aren't saying here. Just because she is your sister does NOT mean she has to forgive you. I have serious issues with my older brother right now, and I know that at this point, I would not be able to forgive him, but I need to decide when that will be and what type of relationship I want to have with him (truly not one on the brother-sister level). Your sister may feel the same way - that she may not be able to have the kind of relationship YOU crave, but maybe she can decide what type of relationship she wants to have with you, if any. The ball is really in your sister's court, and I think it's important that you tell her how you have worked on things and how you're not the same person. Apologize repeatedly for everything you did as long as you mean it, and also write that you understand if she still does not want you in your life. Tell her you miss her, how ungrateful you were, and I suggest, if you can, try paying her back (set up some sort of plan) for the rehab. Making the effort, however small ($10/week?), will mean something to her. It shows you're willing to take that step. It might also be an issue of her not letting you back into your life until you have proven yourself as a stable force from afar for several years (that she is aware of), but if this is something that you truly want, you will be willing to do anything and not disappoint her. Good luck to you.
austerity austerity 8 years
Mesayme ~ oh no, now you've changed your avatar? I'm so sorry, that's not what I implied. I failed to see his sexiness. I'm sorry. Froggy, come back! :D
Marci Marci 8 years
The word 'selfish' doesn't even BEGIN to describe the kind of sister you've been. 'Nightmare' might be a good start, but still doesn't cover it. I am a believer that even family members can be fired, and if I were your sister, I'm not sure I'd ever let you back in my life. Keep moving forward with getting your life in order, but don't do it expecting things from other people. Do it for yourself. You may never get your sister back, and she doesn't owe it to you to come back simply because of a shared gene pool. But the main thing is yourself. Get yourself in a good place and have the best life you can.
Jammi Jammi 8 years
I agree with the above posters who said you need to get over your sense of entitlement. You weren't being a sister to her when you were making her life hell, now that *you've* decided it's high time she forgives you, you think she should forgive you. Have you tried making any amends before this? I say you write her a letter with a check for a portion of how much you owe her for the rehab, tell her how much you've changed grown and that the check is part of the money you owe her. Acknowledge the fact that you owe her more than just money because of her growing you and willing to put up with your crap and take responsibility for your own actions instead of dumping it on your crappy childhood, because if you look back at what you wrote you made it that crappy. Yeah your dad left and your mom was depressed but you chose to take drugs and you put yourself in bad situations repeatedly. You put in the work to shove her away, now put in the work to get her back.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
She really has no reason to forgive you.
corcar86 corcar86 8 years
I think that you should just try really hard to reconnect with her and show her that you have made significant changes in your life. My older sister was a severe drug addict when I was growing up, she is 8 years older then me and her drug use coupled with her bipolar disorder really tore our family apart. However, she worked really hard to get her act together and clean up her life (it took many years and the final conclusion she wanted to change). And although it made it hard to like her at the time, I never stopped loving her and now I love her and I like her again. I know that there were many factors that made her unable to control her actions and I know that it is hard for non-addicts to deal with addicts because they can't understand what is going on. That being said, I would definitely try and reach out if I were you but know that it may take some time. Try not to go into with the attitude that she owes you her forgiveness but rather you have to earn hers. My boyfriend could never believe when I told him stories of my sister because he met her when she had cleaned up her act and basically reinvented herself as a person so I know that it is possible and probable you have been able to do the same, something you should be immensely proud of. Good luck I hope it works out!
Jeny Jeny 8 years
Hell NO you do NOT deserve her forgiveness.. if my sister did this to me, I'd never forgive her.. you can't blame your upbringing and past on your mistakes. Be an adult and own up to it and make better decisions. Family is more important that anything and you destroyed yours. You don't deserve her forgiveness.. That's just my opinion, sorry if it's harsh.
geebers geebers 8 years
Forgiveness is a gift. I think you should forgive yourself and understand it from your sister's perspective. She doesn't have to forgive you - and if she doesn't you have no right to expect it. You have to earn it. If that means sending her baby a gift like someone suggested and letting her know you will be available if and when she decides to forgive you that is what you have to do.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
By the way... if you are getting cleaned up and moving on with your life, good for you. I think you can redeem yourself through being good to others and yourself. You did some awful things but that does not make you a horrible person. You can still lead a full, good life. I guess my point is more that no matter how different you are now, there are some things that others might never forgive you for. And that is just the consequence of the life you used to live, and it's sad. But taking responsibility for it, and not acting "entitled" is also a way to grow up and become a better person.
hope2be hope2be 8 years
My fiancee has a bro kind of like you. I totally understand why your sister stayed away from you and thank goddess she did, you caused her lots of pain and she's also dealing with her own pain, she doesn't need extra baggage from you. You know what, my fiancee told me that his bro does the 'clean slate' routine, and it'll last for a year or two, then off he went to go back to his old way. It's going to be heartbreaking and all drama. TSk. The only difference is that his bro never slept with his exes. Yeah, he was up in his eyeballs in dope, went out sleeping with everyone and cheating on his gfs, but never once he actually tried to bang his bro's gals. So your many excuses don't work with me, you were being a shrew/backstabber to your own sister, drugs didn't cause you to sleep with your sister's bf. Your real character was what prompted the whole thing, plus your sister's bf was a jerk too. You want my honest opinion? Listen to your BROTHER, your blood, even HE thinks it's unwise to do it now, and you're just being the little rebel again and think you're all privileged because you went through sh1t in your childhood? Your sister went through the same crap and she didn't end up like you. I really think you should STAY AWAY from her family. And NO you don't deserve her forgiveness just because you're her 'sister.' That's bullsh!t. I mean, from what it looks like, many drug addicts went back and forth, so you need to make damn sure you're not going to slip back to your old to do it? Wait another 5 years before contacting her or 'integrating' yourself back to her life. If you want, contact her now, but no need to get to close. If you made it 5 years without slipping back, then by all means, try ask for her forgiveness. --- Right now, my fiancee's bro is middle age and for the first time in his life, has lasted almost 5 years without drugs. So that's why he finally was in our life, because I don't tolerate drama and drug addiction in my life.
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