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Sunday Confessional: I've Lost My Chance To Come Clean

Sunday Confessional: I've Lost My Chance To Come Clean

Dear Sugar

About a year ago my best friend went away for a week on a business trip. While she was gone, a mutual friend of ours threw a party. I knew that my best friend's boyfriend was home alone, so I called to see if he wanted to join me. He knew everyone that was going to be there so this wasn't strange at all.

The party was great and I was really surprised by how much fun I was having with her boyfriend. I guess when I hang out with them, she and I do most of the talking, so I've never gotten to see this funny, sarcastic and charming side to him.

After the party we went to grab a slice of pizza and one thing lead to another. After the pizza we went to a bar, danced until dawn and drank way too much. I'd love to say that out of nowhere he kissed me, but I know that I was sending him an intentionally flirtatious vibe.

The sex was incredible, but the guilt was so overwhelming that it was definitely not worth it. What had I done? My best friend is like a sister to me and if she ever found out I would have lost her. I couldn't bear the thought of it, but things were starting to get risky.

Plenty of our friends saw he and I flirting and I knew that it would always be better if this news came from me. For the next month I avoided her because I couldn't get up the courage to confess and the thought of lying to her face would tear me apart. Finally I called her and set up a dinner date for us at a restaurant I knew she had been interested in trying.

Two days before I was going to see her, I got a call from her boyfriend. He was hysterical and his words were hard to decipher. I immediately thought he told her about our drunk sex. Instead, his news was far worse than anything I could have ever imagined. There had been a terrible car accident and my best friend had died. I was not only devastated but haunted by my own guilt.

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AmorFati AmorFati 9 years
This is a no-brainer. Forgive. It takes two to tango. Yes, you made a mistake. A serious one, in terms of your relationships and other people's, though one that many, many other people have made and been able to put behind them; all the same, you know it was wrong. But your friend's boyfriend made the same mistake. He could have come to his senses and said no. Please remember that the guilt is at least fifty-fifty between you. Alcohol is not an excuse, but when it is involved, things are different than if you're stone cold sober. It wasn't a calculating move on your part. It was immature and irresponsible, but not amoral. Just about everyone makes a mistake like this at some point in their lives. We can't change the past, but we can take responsibility, and you were in the process of doing that where nine people out of ten might have tried to hide what they'd done. You were going to take the responsibility upon yourself when the boyfriend, who really should have told your friend right away, did nothing. If it was anybody's job to clean up the mess, it was his. And if you think you have a life sentence now, just think how he feels knowing he betrayed your friend just before she died. You can consider yourself blessed that you were on your way to doing the right thing, and yet that your friend did not have to experience the pain of it unnecessarily. It would have been much worse if she had died right after finding out the truth, with no chance for her to experience healing. If she had to die, you've experienced the best outcome from this that was possible. You know you are the kind of person who will stand up and come clean, and you can, with time, allow that to comfort you because your friend did not have to pay any emotional price for your integrity. Rather than being greedy with the guilt--taking it all on yourself as if you have the most right to it, and the growth that might still come from it--you should accept that the cruelest blow has probably fallen on him. You behaved like a fool, but he behaved like a jerk, and he really will have to live with this forever. You were irresponsible and selfish, but he was unfaithful and dishonest. With enough strength, he can rise to the challenge and let his character be formed in new ways. Don't deny this by hogging the guilt and the spotlight. I don't want to presume to know what kind of relationship you will have to him, let alone to advise you on it, but this much you can do for him and he is the one who really needs the dignity of this growth. Also, if you want to apologize to someone, you might consider apologizing to him for leading him on and putting him in this position. If it is true that you were flirtatious, then he is the one whom you have caused actual pain. He is still alive and you can still work it out with him somehow by recognizing your fault, thus relieving him of at least some of his guilt, and letting him know you understand his pain. I appreciate it may be a delicate thing right now, especially if there is still any attraction to you, but you can do a lot to recover your own morality by at least being kind to him and shouldering your share of the burden so that he knows you are doing it. Finally, your friend is not suffering now from what you did and never will. Death does change things because it's the living who suffer, not the dead, and you and the boyfriend are the ones who are suffering from what you did. If you believe in a cosmic plan, you could say that you've both been forced to own what you did in a big way, whereas your friend was spared, and so any guilt is paid for in full. The best would be if instead of continuing the misery caused by this one past event forever, you take care of yourself for the pain you are suffering from her death and move on. Talk to a counselor (psychiatric or religious) if at all possible. You have behaved like a decent person and did so before the point at which it would be easy for you to say "Now I'm sorry." With time, you should be able to forgive yourself. Please hang in there and try to keep the good memories of your friend. It'll be OK. If everyone took these things as seriously as you have it would be a better world.
gangstaLOVER707 gangstaLOVER707 10 years
i'm sorry that she passed away... pray to her... she'll know and forgive you...
haze1nut haze1nut 10 years
you called her and set up a dinner date. i think it's forgivable and you need to move past the guilt and mourn.
Thehills101 Thehills101 10 years
I'm so sorry for ur loss...although u didn't get a chance to tell her to her face chances are she knew and just didn't want to face the reality f it all...BUT I'm almost positive she is looking down on you and has forgiven you...on the otherside it is said that they don't hold anger or resentment...have you talked to anyone about this...maybe if u let it all out you may be able to work through the guilt...I hope that u are able to get through this ok don't beat urself up too much *hugs* ♥јεήή♥
katie225 katie225 10 years
i'm definitely not of the whole "ignorance is bliss" idea. significant others should always be told when their bf/gf has cheated because their health and safety is at risk (e.g., std's can be transmitted with or without the use of a condom). i chose not to forgive, because friends should know better than to tempt their friends bf's PERIOD. i also agree with the above poster, alcohol is NOT an excuse. be a responsible adult! maybe i would forgive someday, but i would never forget and i would never be friends with that person again. trust has been broken in both relationships. if a guy (or girl) cheats on his (or her) significant other, that means that he/she does not want to be in a monogamous relationship anymore. when a friend has sex with his/her friend's significant other, that means he/she does not want to be in a friendship anymore. no excuses. be adults. not forgiven. and no, i've never been cheated on.
Community-Manager Community-Manager 10 years
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lolak lolak 10 years
Holy crap!! I didn't have the guts to say all that but I agree!! the fact that she died IS THE ONLY reason why people are being sympathetic, but like i said...what you did doesn't just go away cause she lost her life. I wonder about the boyfriend too. I wouldn't expect anything less
BlondeSugar BlondeSugar 10 years
Ouch! But it's true, you made that decision, now live with it. It's going to haunt you, no matter what advice you get. I wonder what happened after she died. Did you and the bf still hook up?
Kari3401319 Kari3401319 10 years
Forgive yourself, she already know and has forgiven you. **StellaStar**
lolak lolak 10 years
Ok, I'm sorry but I can't forgive. The fact that you did this is disgusting in all it's glory and it doesn't get to go away just because an innocent person betrayed by the two most important people in her life, lost her life. Boyfriends cheat left and right but when they do it's up to the best friend to be there for them, instead of playing the role of the other woman. You did do things for each other through out the years and it would be nice to remember it that way, except that she never betrayed you in that hideous way. The drunk card is played out, it's not excusable and it's not forgivable. I'm sorry she lost her life, hopefully that just means that she was too good for this world and those around her. I'm angry for her, I hope you do find redemption in some way and I'm sorry I can't be sympathetic towards you.
jnicole jnicole 10 years
I am so so sorry about your friend! That is very sad. I do like the idea of writing a letter and burning it, you can't change what happened so just remember the good times! I am sorry again!
N-e-e-c-a-l-l-e N-e-e-c-a-l-l-e 10 years
We all make mistakes we wish we could do anything to take back. I choose to forgive you, I think that the guilt you're carrying is probably unbearable and the only way you'll be able to move on with your life is to do your share of grieving and to move on. I agree with lilmisssixmolly I think you should write a letter to your friend. It would be thereputic and I think it would help you move on. Im so sorry for your loss.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
Forgive. I know a girl who had the situation you described happen to her...only she played the role of your friend. She forgave the girl and they are now friends again. I have a feeling your friend would have forgiven you too given the chance. I'm all in.
Jazsama Jazsama 10 years
Okay, shame on me, I did something similar years ago. Only I did get the chance to tell my friend. I couldn't live with the guilt, and confessed. It took several years, but she did forgive me and move on. She even tried to make it work with the guy for awhile, but the fact remains he cheated, too. He was kind of a rascal and I believe he would've probably cheated on her with someone else (and I probably wasn't the only one). So if there is any wisdom that can be taken from me to you, as being someone who mortally wounded a really good person, I believe if she was a true friend you two would've ended up moving past this instance of really bad judgement. I think It'll take you a long time to forgive yourself, but you will someday. Learn your lesson, and become a better person from it. My lesson was that I didn't love myself enough, so I tried to take it away from others. I think you should talk about your guilt with this guy, I bet he feels pretty awful, too.
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 10 years
P.S.: I agree w/ jke. Write a letter to her, and then, when you're done, burn it. I'm sure she's in heaven and that she'll forgive you. Also, the burning it makes you feel better b/c its like saying that "okay, this is the end of all this..." better late than never. i'm sorry for your loss. ~* “I think the thing to do is to enjoy the ride while you're on it.” -Johnny Depp *~
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 10 years
i choose not forgive b/c even though I am glad she died not knowing that her best friend and boyfriend betrayed her, you should not have hooked up w/her boyfriend in the first place. My #1 pet peeve is when people use being drunk as an excuse. Also, you should have told her (although, like I said, in hindsight its kind of a good thing, but you should have anyway). However, now that she's gone, you need to accept the fact that she died in a happy place, and remember all the good things you did for each other. ~* “I think the thing to do is to enjoy the ride while you're on it.” -Johnny Depp *~
reeeeka reeeeka 10 years
I don't really have anything to say about what happened. I'm sure she's forgiven you. Im so sorry...if you need to talk just email me on here. I just lost my sister in a car accident on the 14th
juliet juliet 10 years
I'm w/ Jen on this one - how awful. I am very sorry for your loss, but take comfort in knowing you did intend to do the right thing (and come clean about it) ... it sounds like someone was watching out for her (in a very weird way) -- at least she passed with love from her best friend and boyfriend. I would encourage you to write a letter to your friend and apologize now. Ask for her forgiveness, even though she is no longer with you. Put it in an envelope and keep in tucked away, or bring it to a place you and she spent time at. You also need to learn to forgive yourself. Your actions were wrong and irresponsible, but you know that. Forgive yourself, ask your late friend for forgiveness, and try to keep going. My prayers are with you, your friend, and her boyfriend. I hope you are all doing okay in light of this tragic event.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
i forgive-you have a lot of guilt and that is made worse by the death of your friend. She died not knowing and for that you are probably feeling more guilty. Please know that you can't do anything to change the past and you must move on. Remember the good times with her and be thankful that she never knew what happened with you and her boyfriend.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 10 years
Jennifer76 and crazylady, very good advice..I agree, and I forgive.
crazylady crazylady 10 years
I agree with Jen (as usual!!!) You've learned your lesson and your relationship was intact when she died. If you continue to feel guilty consider writing her a letter to let all your feelings out and keep it as a reminder of the importance of friends in your life. What's done is done - you intended to tell her and you can feel good that you were going to come clean instead of keeping it from her which is a sign of your true character instead of a few hours one night. She wouldn't want you to carry this around. You'll have go through a process of forgiving yourself and probably have to do it several times. Forgiving doesn't dismiss what you did but it does enable you to focus your energy on things that a important to you now instead of burdens of the past.
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
Wow, does it really matter what anyone else thinks? What you did was awful. But, if she was going to die, I'm glad she died without knowing that two of the people she cared most about betrayed her. So, don't feel bad about not telling her. I'm sure you've learned your lesson. And all you can do is try to remember all the wonderful things that you've probably done for her over the years you were friends. I forgive you. I'm sure she would have too.
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 10 years
I forgive you, but... that's a shitload of bad karma you're carrying.
LaylaCams LaylaCams 10 years
:jawdrop: Ouch.
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