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Sunday Confessional: In Love(?) With a Married Co-Worker

This week's confessional comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to offer your advice in the comments.


Sorry this is a long rant, but I have to get it out. I never thought this would happen to me. I always thought people made the decision to stray. I’ve been happily married for 20 years, never been tempted, never met anyone I wanted over my husband. Now I’ve met a married man at work who has become a good friend and I have fallen totally head over heels for him. It’s not physical, he’s a little over weight, balding and graying; but we click on a personality level that is uncanny. We talk to each other so much at work people have commented on our friendship. When we’re together we’re always laughing together. I never knew laughter was such a turn on, an aphrodisiac. I’ve only know him for a year, but four months after meeting we were moved to the same building, then he talked me into moving to the empty cube across from him. We now have so much fun talking to each other, having Nerf wars, going to lunch together, etc.

 

I’m fighting to keep it platonic, but sometimes I just want to tell him how I feel. He has shown me where he lives and we went to the movies one day instead of lunch. He had the rest of the afternoon off that day but I went back to work. While in the parking lot he said he guess he would go and spend a boring afternoon at home. I was too chicken to do anything, I just said "OK, see you tomorrow, I’m going to work." He calls me at least once a day when he is away on business travel; tells me about his flight, what he ate, how the day was, funny things that happen. I’ve started dreaming about him, I’m always thinking about him. Is this normal? I’ve had male co-workers who were friends before, but I’ve never felt this way about any of them. Two previous co-workers are now friends with my husband also. But this relationship is different, he’s so smart, so funny, I feel like he is a long lost friend who I’ve been missing and didn’t know it until I met him. What is going on? Should I try to back away or just deal with my feelings and I’ll get over them with time or what?! Has this ever happened to anyone? How did you get over the feelings?

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
I've had this type of thing happen before. I won't get onto details but your in for a lot of trouble if you keep it up with this friend at work. Before you step any further into this stuff you have going on, you should ask yourself, the "then whats?" Ask yourself what it is you expect? Sex? Then what? Hidden phone calls and hotel rooms? Then what? Your husband finds a text? Then he asks for a divorce and gets the house and the IRA and the 401K? Then what? Then your coworker says he loves his wife and gets another job in California? Or even better, his wife leaves him and he winds up broke in a two bedroom apartment? Then what? You should ask yourself the then whats and cool your jets.
kj1210 kj1210 7 years
For starters dealing with someone in your workplace is a struggle as is. I can't imagine having to see that person everyday and resist being affectionate. Then you throw in the fact that the person is also married. WOW!!!....I personally think you're best off just moving on. I know it's going to be extremely hard to get over someone that you see everyday but there's nothing healthy about your relationship. Unless the person gets divorced, then theres nothing good that can come of this. You might want to check out this post from Leftos.com that talks about dating married people. I use the site a lot and continue to use it as a resource for my own life's problems....http://www.leftos.com/forum/view/319
tarabara1229 tarabara1229 7 years
Totally agree with Deidre on this one. It's okay for you to have these feelings as I think it's natural, but it's not okay for you to act out on them without first considering all parties involved. You can't be selfish in this situation.
Deidre Deidre 7 years
There's a big difference between feelings and actions. I think that's what's the divisive issue for a lot of commenters on this post. You can't beat yourself up for having a crush on your co-worker. Chemistry is inexplicable. These may have even developed into real feelings while you have been spending so much time with this guy. It's ok to be brutally honest and think about what you truly want. Because the reality is that you can't have a healthy marriage AND a thing on the side with your coworker. It's time for you to prioritize what you want. A lot of comments here have advised that you spend time away from your co-worker -- that could be just the ticket to really assess if you are simply infatuated or if you have strong feelings to this man. While you can't be blamed for having confusing feelings, you are fully responsible for your actions. And you owe it to yourself, your husband, your co-worker and his wife to really think about what you're doing before you actually do anything. If you really think you have true feelings for the co-worker, you need to be fair to your husband and end things there before starting something new. Even then, you're running the risk that your co-worker would not only feel the same way, but would be willing to leave his marriage as well. Assess what you truly want first (your husband or this other guy), then let your actions follow suit. But you can't have them both.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 7 years
its perfectly natural to find yourself falling for another person, even after 20 years of marriage. You have to ask yourself why are you falling for this person. Is it the "new" feelings of lust, of friendship, of someone finding you attractive and wonderful? everyone wants that feeling of being wanted, of feeling needed, of being "brand new" in someones eyes. Some people who have been married for awhile fall into a routine, you and your partner no longer do those things together that once seemed so much fun, your conversations arent stimulating, you have heard the same stories a million times....BUT you can get that all back IF you really want to. Marriage is all about finding ways to keep your relationship from going stale you arent going to be "in love" with your husband 24.7. its not possible! You should go on dates again, find new places to go and see it through new eyes, Hold hands again, go on a vacation together, find what you need in your husband and not with a man who might seem like he "knows" you so well and that makes him seem perfect for you. forgive yourself most of all for having these feelings, distance yourself from this man, explain to him that you need to focus on your marriage and not on his friendship and do just that. Its okay, just breathe!
gLam-shortie gLam-shortie 7 years
seriously! I cannot believe how rude some people are on here. It's ok to have feeling for other people, I mean, who says you can only love one person and one person only? That's totally not right. If you love your husband and truly care for him, I think it's smart for you to step back from your co-worker. Even though your co-worker may seem like a "nice candidate" for a lover/husband/boyfriend, feelings wear off very quickly. I think you are longing for the excitement and romance you once used to have when you first start dating someone else, you know what i'm talking about? I think marriage in the long run is to be with someone you can trust, appreciate, and love. Someone you don't mind sharing a bedroom with for the rest of your life. Love has a way of changing... passionate to comfortable, unpredictable to dependable. I would say you should be at least honest about it to your husband, if anything. And also to your co-worker. Your co-worker should be able to understand, especially because he is basically in the same position you are. Whatever you do, good luck. And don't let downers get you! It's your life and it's what YOU make of it. :)
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
Limit interactions with this man outside the office, that's about all I can tell you. Don't sneak out for a movie, if you need to have lunch try to get other people to join you guys, and maybe let your husband get to know him (without telling your husband about your infatuation) etc. And don't confess your feelings for him. Nothing good can come out of it. I believe that this is an infatuation. After 20 years with your husband, believe it or not, as great as your marriage is, you can still be tempted with the 'newness' of potential love affair. Try to refocus on your marriage as well. I'm sure you won't be too pleased if your husband is feeling the same way toward his co-worker, and possibly hope that he'll not stray, so try not to stray yourself.
bellavita214 bellavita214 7 years
I agree, feelings are not black and white. And they DO change. And if this is real, she is still a person and not just a wife, and so entitled to happiness.
biarose biarose 7 years
I know, some people on here are really self-righteous and judgmental. What has this lady done wrong? She has feelings, she's not sure what to do and she's seeking help. She hasn't cheated on her husband. Tell me you people who are judging, have you not ever had feelings about something that you didn't want to have? Or been tempted to do something you shouldn't?
sidra5397 sidra5397 7 years
You've been married 20 years to your husband and I think what you're feeling for your co-worker may be a sign that you're feeling restless. He represents something that is "different" from your relationship with your husband. You really need to weigh your feelings. What would you gain if you left your husband? What would you lose? If you are seriously considering breaking from your husband then respectfully wait if or when you divorce (Yes, divorce. Have you thought about that?) him. If not, then scale way back on the intimacy that you share with your co-worker. Besides, you never know what his intentions are no matter how much you seem to laugh together. I don't think you're a terrible person at all, but you sound confused. Ultimately, you have to choose who means more. I don't think love is black and white but don't betray your husband. End it if, after you have seriously gone through everything in your mind, you find that you don't want to be together. I don't believe in labellling people cheaters, because there is so much more to people than that (unless you really have no remorse and do it repeatedly, but you don't seem callous in that way) but betraying your husband will have severe ramifications and is hurtful. Marriage is a commitment and if you don't feel committed then reanalyse your life and get your head back into this partnership or respect your husband and leave. I hope you all find happiness.
xgreenfairyx xgreenfairyx 7 years
Its SO nice to know that there are SO many 'virtuous' people ready to dole out shame like its Halloween candy. Casting stones too good to pass up, huh? Awful.
amelioratelj amelioratelj 7 years
Grow up.
bluestar bluestar 7 years
Yes, I had the same situation. A co-worker and I would laugh for hours at work and people thought that we were cheating...well, he was. I was single, at the time, he was in a relationship. I didn't want to be "that woman", lucky for me I was able to just quit. Sometimes I still miss him though and it's been years. LOL, that's probably not helpful, but what I'm getting at is that it's up to you and what you think is morally right for you and it IS possible to stay away. You just have to make the decision for yourself. I'm not saying you would have to quit your job either, but find somewhere new to sit and ask him to leave you alone. The grass is always greener.
dfserine dfserine 7 years
People like you should never get married. Learn how to control yourself, woman. You are married, so act like it or do your man a favor and get a divorce. You don't deserve him.
janneth janneth 7 years
He wants you. So pick and choose, husband or coworker. Make up your mind. You are already cheating in your heart. Leave husband or tell coworkedr to back off. And stick to whichever you choose.
xgreenfairyx xgreenfairyx 7 years
Whatever. I think falling in and out of attraction and relationships is a natural thing. Its a shame you can't explore what this other dude can offer you, assuming you believe in the traditional conditions and roles of marriage. Despite what cheesy romantic comedies tell you, NO ONE has ALL the traits you need in a mate...not even your husband. You can always find someone who can do this or that better...its just the way it is. If you don't blame your husband for not having what you need, why get upset with yourself for finding it in someone else? Assuming you and your hubby have good communication, trying to get him to 'be a certain way' or 'do certain things' to make you happy won't work, either. Maybe he's just not like that or into that, and that's no one's fault. There's no problem in your marriage, or you...its just you feeling happy and fulfilled with someone else. It feels bad because society tells you its bad, that's all. Seems already, though, that you WANT it to go further, so its just a matter of telling yourself its not worth it (if you want to maintain your current relationship as it is). Otherwise, you WILL do something you regret. Having more than one partner (married or otherwise) shouldn't be a big deal, but not at the expense of openess and honesty between all parties involved. I'm glad I don't ascribe to the archaic contraints of marriage. Guess it'll take awhile before people realize we're just animals with delusions of grandeur...
sham28 sham28 7 years
But I'm one of the most black-and-white thinkers I know about cheating. I'm completely zero tolerance and would break up/divorce in a heartbeat if I were cheated on. I just think it destroys everything. But some people can bounce back, and no one is an expert... it just sounds like a ticking time bomb. Ok I'm done.
sham28 sham28 7 years
Too CHICKEN to do anything? Are you kidding me? Like it requires bravery to cheat on your husband??? Listen, I get that no one WANTS to feel the way you're feeling, but your attitude about this suggests that you haven't really considered just how unfair you're being to the person you committed to forever. I recommend that you get divorced, because it sounds like you're pretty much guaranteed to cheat within the next six months. As a spouse, I would much rather separate and find someone else than have my spouse sleep with someone else. Years of crippling emotional pain, resentment and trust issues. Ugh, I feel so bad for him, I understand that you don't want this but don't betray him like this.
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
I agree with distancing yourself, and very quickly. You will probably find that the feelings dissapate pretty quickly the longer you stay away. You are already breaching the trust and starting to betray your husband just by pursuing a relationship/friendship you admit to yourself is more feeling more then friends. I don't think you're in love. I think you're feeling the rush, and if you pursue it and ruin your marriage, I think you will probably be very very sorry. Sit down and really think about this, and then make a decision. If you choose to stay with your husband, you really are obligated to distance yourself from this person. Doing what you're doing right now IS cheating, in my opinion.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
I would also distance myself from him, and find out what was lacking in my own marriage to cause me to act this way, and whether I could get help for it (either as a couple or individually). Because, and you have to be honest here, you're already having an emotional affair with this man. Imagine how you would feel if your husband was acting this way with one of his female coworkers or friends. Whatever you do, just don't let it go any further. Get some distance, get some help, but don't consider ruining two marriages.
jenni5 jenni5 7 years
I personally would distance myself a bit from this guy before something does happen. It seems like he is interested too and you both could confuse your friendship for more and ruin your marriages.
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