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Sunday Confessional: My Parents Don't Know We're Living Together

Sunday Confessional: My Parents Don't Know We're Living Together

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we've been living together for just over three months. The thing is, my parents are super conservative and would just die if they found out we were living together before marriage. So I've been lying to my parents, and when we see them, I make him lie too but he hates it. Since my parents are such do-gooders, they'd be really angry if they found out we were lying to them all this time, but they'd be even more angry if they knew we were "living in sin."

I lie to them so that we are able to live the way we please and I don't feel guilty because what they don't know won't hurt them, but is it wrong for me to make him lie as well, or is it forgivable since I'm doing what's right for us?


Join The Conversation
puffaroo puffaroo 9 years
I suspect that your parents probably know more than you think they do. But I see what you're doing as a way to let them save face while living the way you want to. If they disapprove of your living together, I really don't see any point in rubbing their noses in it. That would be childish. I get the feeling that you're really not *that* afraid of your parents, or that their disapproval would mean that you would have to change your living arrangements. I lived with my fiance the year we got engaged. My parents knew (they weren't stupid), and I knew they knew, but they never wanted to talk about it, and that was fine with me. I saw no point in openly defying them on an issue on which they had very strong feelings. Maybe that was because I was 34 and they adored my now-husband. That was in 1988, and we have been together ever since :)
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
If you are still afraid of your parents, but think you are old enough to cohabitate, something is wrong. Fess up, and deal with it like a grown up.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
Hello! It's 2007 not 1957.
clareberrys clareberrys 9 years
I think you should tell your parents. You didn't say your age, but depending on that they may be more or less mad. I am 21 years old and I live with my boyfriend. At first I was nervous to ask my dad if I could, but he was surprisingly receptive to the idea. I think parents are more understanding and forgiving than they are given credit for. Don't forget that your parents were young once too and that even if they are mad for the time being, they aren't going to disown you for something like this. They may be disappointed, but time heals and sooner rather than later they will be over it. I hope this helped =)
Lilavati Lilavati 9 years
Whatever you do, do it together. Lie together or confront them together. I pick truth. Parents need to understand they can't control you and most of all, aren't responsible for you anymore - I think that's the hardest part for them. Parents often think that if they don't protest in a strong way, kinda "I'm not speaking to you untill you move out", they take part in what they consider as the sin, so they sin themselves. Talk to them, understand their arguments (because there are arguments! I'm waiting for marriage to move in with my boyfriend). Tell them you understand, are grateful for their concern (because they are concerned! not just old-fashioned. Unless they aren't, I don't know them, but most parents really are), but you just don't agree and they have to respect your freedom. Truth always comes out, you know. They can find out by accident and wouldn't that be great...
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
I know EXACTLY what you're going through girlfriend I say forgive!
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
yea, I bet they know what's going on. And, honeslty, they would probably appricieat it more if you told them.
iamangiepooh iamangiepooh 9 years
I understand what you're going through. My parents would kill me!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
sorry don't mean to sound harsh!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
I think you're a bit naive if you think your parents don't have a clue as to what's really going on. I'm sure that if they haven't already found out, then they will eventually and you'll be in even deeper sh*t. Give them the respect you ALL deserve (boyfriend included!) and come clean. Otherwise, you'll just continue to insult their intelligence and live a lie that will just make you feel worse as time goes by. I don't buy that you don't feel guilty at all or else you wouldn't have submitted this as a Sunday Confessional!
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I'm undecided. I think it's forgiviable as long as you right the situation as soon as possible.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I swear this question, exactly the same, came up before over 6 months ago.... otherwise I am having some weird deja vu. Anyway, forgivable but eventually you will need to fess up.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
believe it or not, I'm in the same situation. I love my family, but when they found out I went to a peace march once, they didn't speak to me for 3 months. I have completely different ideas about how to live my life. They would disown us, hate him, etc. We are late 20s and early 30s and live far away from them, and while I want a comfortable relationship with them I don't want to disturb their ideas about how they raised me. I'm doing it for their own good. I obeyed their rules right down to remaining a virgin until I was 22 (!) and completely off their dime, and now I'm free. I just don't think I can alienate them.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I think it's forgivable. People who say "grow up and tell them" probably don't have parents who are extremely conservative or authoritarian. It's a scary prospect to know that you could be cutting yourself off from your family entirely and possibly forever. I can empathize with you. But, I think you need to see things from your BF's perspective, too. He's worried that if this blows up on you - and depending on how long it's going to be until you marry, it may well - your parents will never get over his involvement in this charade. These are his in-laws for life, and his concern is the EXACT SAME as yours. He doesn't want to cut himself off from them and their approval for life. Just something to consider.
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 9 years
i voted undecided bc i dont think you should be lying to your parents. its none of their business what you and your boyfriend do--are they paying your bills? supporting you in anyway? if the answer is no, they have no right to try and dictate your life. when i moved out my parents were not happy (not bc they were ultra conservative..just that they didn't want me moving three hours away) and things worked out for the best. but the longer you lie to your parents about it--the harder it will be to come clean.
Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 9 years
Oh Jesus on a Cracker! Honestly, its your life and you can do whatever you like with it (considering youre of legal age, right) I think its spineless to lie and I think its slimy of you to make him lie for you. Bad form all around.
zera0820 zera0820 9 years
I know that most people here are telling you to do what's "right" and be honest, but I do not wholeheartedly agree with that. My parents sound like yours. But if I were in your situation, I would weigh the consequences of what would happen, foremost. How angry do you think they'd get? My father is kind of extremely religious and actually threatened to leave or kick me out before when he got angry enough. Do you think they would disown you? Are that that important to you? If you think they could get over it eventually, even if they get extremely angry, I think you should tell them. If they are supporting you financially in any way, and you think that they may withdraw that helping hand, then I would consider if you could go without that money or not. If so, I would tell them. If not, I would not tell them. Call me shallow, but I'm not an angel. To me, it all depends on consequences. Weigh out your possibilities. Try to tell them, but if there is a big reason that you do not want to tell them, then simply don't. You need to protect yourself and your own serenity. I hope this sticky situation works out for you. :) Peace.
jadorechaussures jadorechaussures 9 years
I understand what you are doing, but the truth will always come out. Just imagine if your parent's made a surprise visit. What will hurt more than the fact that you live with a man is that you lied for so long. If you want to try to hide this until you get married then look forward to a couple of stressful years. Tell them now so you can live in peace. Obviously you strongly disagree with your parents on this issue b/c you moved in with him. The reason conservative parents don't approve of "living in sin" is because that almost certainly implies you are not a virgin. If either of your parents already know you are having sex than telling them you live together is not that big of a jump. If you haven't even told them you're sexually active then you're in this lie deeper than you should be.
onesong onesong 9 years
Forgive. It's understandable that this was your initial reaction, but you absolutely need to come clean with them. Marci said it best when she pointed out that if you're old enough to be living with your boyfriend, you're old enough to be adult with your parents. They might not like fact, they WON'T like it, but it's time for you to nicely and calmly tell them that you appreciate their opinion but ultimately it is your life and you need to make decisions that you think are best. It will also be good to talk to them and hear them out, as they might have some good points that might open your eyes to potential problems to look out for.
barjar1122 barjar1122 9 years
Your bf must feel dirty or like a sleazebag by you needing to hide your real relationship from your parents. I feel bad for him and wouldnt be able to be in his position. Stand up, be an adult and just let them know the truth. Parents dont always like the decisions we make but when you are an adult, they are YOUR decisions. It may upset your parents but lies hurt much worse, especially if they find out from someone else. Is there any chance that your parents are financing this situation? If so, that should end immediately.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I think it sucks you are putting him in a position where he has to lie, but he must have known that going into it, right? I hope this doesn't blow up in your face, but these types of things tend to do just that.
nourche nourche 9 years
I have to agree with psychotic virus. Because your parents pretty much sound like my parents and i totally understand where you're coming from. With my parents there's no "eventually they'll understand and accept the situation" etc. Just wait till you guys get married. Although i know that the whole lying business really sucks.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I agree if your old enough to live with someone than you need to grow up and tell your parents. Asking your boyfriend to lie is a lot to ask. I am not sure if you are still in school or what but if you are and your parents are footing the bill you need to come clean. If you are truly on your own get the big girl panties on and tell them.
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