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Sunday Confessional: Is It OK Not to Confess When You Cheat?

This week's confessional comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

I have been with my bf for 8 months, lets call him Joe. We had a really rough time before Christmas where I caught him in a lie then was lead to believe by a third party that he had cheated on me. He was out of town in his home community. I was devastated and pretty sure we were over. One of his best friends, lets call him Bill, came on to me the night that I had been informed that Joe had made out with another girl. I ended up kissing Bill that night and the following night we made out a little but it did not get serious (i.e. no removal of clothing).

Now me and Joe patched things up. It turned out that he did lie to me but had not cheated on me. I felt too guilty to admit to my infidelity and also did not want to hurt Joe since it was with one his best friends. He had a best friend do this to him with his previous girlfriend and I did not want him to go through that again. I was certain I would not do it again. But then our relationship ran into problems again and I ended up cheating on him again with the same friend. This time it went past kissing to Bill putting his hands down my pants and I went so far as teasing him with oral sex. I don't know why I did this. I partly felt bad for the guy because he is stuck in a dead relationship with an awful partner and also he made me feel really attractive. I don't feel that guilty about the first incident but I don't know how I did it again. I should have known not to be alone or drink with him.


To see the rest,


Now I will never be alone with this person again. Bill was in town when my boyfriend was away and asked me out to dinner but I turned him down even though he insisted it would just be friendly. He also came by our home when Joe was away and I just talked to him in the doorway, I didn't want to be alone with him in the house. I am not even attracted to Bill. When I did fool around with him it was not passionate. The sex with Joe is wonderful and passionate and I am completely satisfied in that area. I am still confused why I cheated. I guess I just liked being so desired.
I have not admitted any of this to Joe although he did ask if anything happened that weekend. I feel guilty but I think the guilt is fading. This relationship is so important to me. Maybe Joe would understand, maybe he wouldn't. But if I confessed to Joe I think I would just hide the guilt of not telling him with the guilt of having hurt him by being betrayed by his girlfriend and good friend Bill. Am I an awful person? Why would I do something that wasn't even satisfying me? Is it ok that I didn't tell Joe? I just feel so guilty and it has been 2 months since it stopped.

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Join The Conversation
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 7 years
It's not okay to tell someone just to relieve your guilt. Why hurt someone when there's no point other than for your benefit? Now if you had sex with someone else and need to get it. If you don't have anything and that person won't ever find out, why hurt them? Even Dr. Drew says that! If you have the herps or something of that nature, though, it's time to fess up. Ideally, you would just break up, since you're not good enough for that person. You'd just let them know it's not going to work out, and you two should move on. There's no point in hurting an innocent person. They shouldn't have to carry around that kind of baggage and insecurity in other relationships just because of your choices and mistakes. If you're married and contracted something, though, you need to tell. If you cheated, had sex, and didn't get tested... There should be a hell for you.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
The biggest problem is that every time you have a problem with your bf you cheat on him. You are highly immature.
snarkypants snarkypants 7 years
you need to get out of this relationship. you thought he cheated on you so you cheated back? grow up.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 7 years
I agree with others, you should tell him because cheating for any reason is wrong. I wouldn't be surprised at all if your bf already knows and even though you say there is nothing wrong with your relationship but still you went out and cheated. There must be something wrong there, it's either that or you are just a slut. Sorry i know that was mean but why else would someone cheat on their bf if they are having a great relationship.
reesiecup reesiecup 7 years
I'm not sure if the "best friend" is really being a good friend at all. If you aren't even attracted to the friend, I think you may need to take some time to evaluate the possibilities of why you cheated with him those times. It's not my place to say if you are an awful person or whether or not you should tell your boyfriend. However, it would be more damaging if he hears about it second-hand. And consider if the roles were reversed--would you want him to tell you? Do you foresee your current relationship to end in marriage?
LovelyLiLKatie LovelyLiLKatie 7 years
he will find out eventually so .... but let me tell you if your are only 8 months in and cheated 3 times already you should not be in a relationship.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
If you'd like to stay together and it was a mistake, not something long term or a symptom of a more serious problem, then I'd say don't tell. You're assuaging your guilt at the expense of your relationship and his feelings. However, because it's his friend it makes me a bigger problem because he may find out himself.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
Here's what you should do: Break up with him, but don't tell him what you did. Just tell him you need to work on yourself some more before you can commit to any man. Being single will allow you to get that attention you seek and feel sexy again. You need to work on your self esteem before any man can satisfy you deeply though. And stop saying you will change... clearly you can't stop yourself from acting on these feelings. Preventing "Bill" from entering your house is fine and dandy but who's to say that you won't act on your feelings with someone else in the future?
medenginer medenginer 7 years
I think your lack of communication with your boyfriend is a major factor. When trust is broken it's hard to win back on either side. When you heard the information from Bill that he kissed another woman you should have went to Joe and asked for an explanation. Bill's bad relationship that he's in is his own decision to be in so you shouldn't feel bad for him. I would tell the truth and see what happens. Take this for a valuable learning experience and move on.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
Your boyfriend is going to find out eventually. You're not cheating on him with some random dude from out of town you'll never see again. This is bound to come out in the open. I agree with jazzytummy that your problems are bigger than your indiscretion. The fact that you seem to be developing a pattern in which you cheat on your boyfriend every time you run into a problem shows a real lack of maturity. It might be wise to break up with your boyfriend and work on yourself. I wish your boyfriend was reading this so I could tell him to find better people to associate with. Two best friends fuck around with two different girlfriends? Two girlfriends who cheat on him with his own best friends? Wowza.
seraphimm seraphimm 7 years
piccalily's completely right. You never know if he already knows the truth and is waiting on you to reveal it... You need to tell him.
juicebox07 juicebox07 7 years
I think your boyfriend should know so he can dump your sorry ass. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for those that cheat. Especially those that have done it more than once in a relationship.
imLissy imLissy 7 years
If you can live with it, and you really think it wouldn't come out, and you didn't do it because of problems in your relationship, then I don't think you should tell him. No good can come of it.
Ac2366 Ac2366 7 years
This is a tough situation you put yourself in. I have dated (not cheated with) friends before and I can assure you they do talk. One day his friend will tell him what happened. You can keep living your lie and acting like nothing happened, but it will blow up in your face. One day you and your bf will have a fight (or something) and his friend will tell him about the 2 times that you came onto him and put all the blame on you. You can either come clean to your bf now or just wait to be surprised when he finds out from his friend. This is not something I see staying a secret for very long.
piccalily piccalily 7 years
What if Bill has already told him and he's just seeing how long you're going to keep lying to him? I say man up and tell him. If it comes out 5 years later and you're still together, I'd feel betrayed that you kept it hidden for so long. Since none of us know your boyfriend, put yourself in his shoes and imagine your reaction to finding out now and imagine your reaction to finding out 5 years from now. If you come clean, then you can move on. If you don't, you'll always have that guilt somewhere in your mind.
Bodhar Bodhar 7 years
I think you need to break up with Joe with an explanation that you are not ready for a relationship and take a GOOD LONG TIME to examine why you would basically be untruthful to someone (first, assumedly, because you thought he did it first, so.... maybe you were getting back at him? then second apparently for no reason at all except for validation, which in this case, honestly, was very cheap) with someone with whom you have absolutely no attraction or investment. It sounds like you need some time to yourself to work on your self-esteem and priorities.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
You have bigger issues than telling your boyfriend about your indiscretion. "I went so far as teasing him with oral sex....I partly felt bad for the guy...and he made me feel really attractive". So, you went down on your boyfriend's "best friend", who you're not even attracted to, out of pity and the need to feel attractive? Where is your self-esteem? Your low self-esteem cannot be fixed by a great boyfriend and his lousy "best friend". Whether you tell him or not, whether you stay with him or not, is immaterial at this point. It will not work in the long run, until you get some therapy to figure out why you behave the way you do. Good luck.
notinthemood notinthemood 7 years
Your boyfriend will find out, since you did it with his friend. Will he find out from you, or from him? It will make it worse that you lied. Unfortunately, I think your situation is going to end badly no matter what you do at this point.
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