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Sunday Confessional: She Doesn't Want to Date a Virgin

Sunday Confessional: She Doesn't Want to Date a Virgin

This week's anonymous confession comes from the TrèsSugar Community group Confession Booth. This confessor finds herself worried about dating a vrigin. She explains:

"I am seeing an absolutely amazing guy. He's everything I've hoped for — honest, funny, charming, trustworthy, and insanely handsome. I feel like he's my reward for putting up with the worst examples of men this world has to offer. I feel so lucky and safe. I couldn't be happier! Oh wait . . . actually I could. There's one small issue that I'm afraid could be a huge issue for me. He's a virgin — and he plans to stay that way. I thought it wouldn't be an issue for me; it's nice to know a guy likes me for me and not just for sex! As we get closer I realize it will eventually be an issue for me. I like sex. Sex with someone I care about is awesome. I thought I could live without it, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like "such a dude," but I'm hesitating at the thought of continuing to see him. Am I a terrible person for needing sex in a relationship? Do I continue to date him and risk resenting him later? I don't know what to do or how to feel."

Do you think this is a big deal?

Image Source: Getty
Join The Conversation
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
I wish you both luck. You both have needs and I could not carry on in a sex free relationship. Sexual compatibility is vital and with this you may never find out if you are compatible until it's too late.
Girl101 Girl101 7 years
All I can say is from personal experience, it may not be this way for you. And yes I agree, it sounds like a jilted lover but there is a reason it sounds that way. I agree that you must respect his decision, but I would never go down that road again. I dated a guy very seriously during college and after. He was a virgin and wanted to stay that way. I was not a virgin and really enjoyed that part of a relationship, but I gave up sex to date him because I just "knew" he was the one. He was everything I ever wanted in a life mate. In the end, he cheated on me. When I found out and confronted him told me that he could not have had sex with me because he respect the sacrifice I made for him and thought it would be disrespectful to me just to give into wanting sex. I guess he thought I would never find out. After five years of living without sex, he just slept with some tramp. I will never forgive him. I say dump him before you get the same treatment.
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 7 years
I really agree with hypnoticmix. See if he's willing to stretch the terms of what he's ok with. If he's solely holding out on intercourse then there is a lot of non-intercourse sex that you guys could engage in. If he's not ok with being involved with any sex whatsoever, talk to him about being ok with you having some toys and taking care of your own sexual needs until he is willing to "come to the dark side" IF he's that great a guy, fight. Fight hard to keep that great of a guy. Sacrifice something. It sounds like you've already been in the relationship for a while now, but how long have you gone without sex? has it really been that long? would It kill you to just take care of business yourself?
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
I'm more concerned with the fact that the OP thinks it is terrible for her to want sex in a relationship! You have nothing to feel guilty about! I wouldn't date a virgin either
Jen-Erate Jen-Erate 7 years
I have been in relationships before with people have have been 99% right for me, but that 1% has been a deal breaker. If really think this will be an issue then maybe you should do something about it. Just think though of all the jerks out there who treat women like crap, and you have none of that now.
Allytta Allytta 7 years
to poster about Asian cultures and sex - they value sex more than we do. But it's not just physical pleasure there, which makes me thing the poster has no idea what she/he is talking about. It's all abut becoming one whole with your lover. Connecting on all levels at once, as body/mind and soul are all equally important elements of a human being.
biarose biarose 7 years
I'd be so upset if I got into this situation! Marriage isn't a big thing for me, I'd prefer to just be de-facto, so if I met the 'perfect' guy and we had different ideals... it would suck!!
Xemena Xemena 7 years
is there a possibility that he might be gay?
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
This may be just nerves on his part and he is using this an an excuse, in which case you can guide and re-assure him. Otherwise, I really do not think this can work out. You need to know that the sex will eventually be good, you may wait and wait and then see there are other major problems. Your need are important too! I don't envy you in this situation, good luck and I hope all works out for the best in the long term!
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
I agree -- it's a personal decision. Also, it's important to find out why he wants to remain a virgin. Personally, that wouldn't work for me. I think there is such a thing as sexual compatibility. I would want to find out BEFORE marriage if we were sexually compatible, as my sex life is very important to me. I wouldn't marry somebody to be friends with them. Thus, there is no way I would make a lifelong commitment to somebody without having good sexual compatibility (among OTHER important compatibility issues).
b1uebunn b1uebunn 7 years
I'd also need to know why he's a virgin. Is he weirdly religious? Was he abused? Is he gay? Does he have a microphallus? These are all very important questions.
Frenched Frenched 7 years
Everybody's advice has been great. Since he's a great guy and pretty much everything you've ever dreamed of, I think you shouldn't just DUMP the guy because he wants to stay celibate for a while. That's a really serious decision he's made and you should try to respect it. That doesn't mean that you can't talk to him about it and maybe even try to reach a "happy medium" for both. He sounds like he's worth it.
jessicaeden jessicaeden 7 years
Understandable to want to make sure the sexual chemistry is there. There's nothing wrong with his wish to remain a virigin, it just sounds like they're not compatible.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
IMO if he's everything you've ever wanted in a guy otherwise that is something you sacrifice a little compromise for. "He's a virgin — and he plans to stay that way." I presume you mean until marriage if not you're right it is time to move on. Anyhoo is he willing to do other things besides intercourse? Such as oral and or mutual masturbation. That would be enough to hold me over and I'm a man. It sounds like the relationship otherwise is healthy and great. I would just enjoy the ride no pun intended and if you need to buy a toy to hold you over then do it. Hell maybe he can help you play.
KadBunny KadBunny 7 years
No one's looking down on the guy for choosing to remain a virgin. If you'll notice there's a good number of us saying neither of them are wrong, so don't look down on her for being seriously concerned about sex. Let's face it, we're essentially animals, and we're always going to have carnal desires that cannot be helped. Besides, no one's saying sex is the key to a relationship's survival but it is extremely important. Sex promotes a certain closeness in a relationship. And since we're touching up on culture let me tell you (at least from my experience) that is not the reason why there are less divorce rates Asia. Yeah, people are not having as much sex, Western cultures are certainly more promiscuous, but from what I've seen it's because most couples in Asia feel a certain obligation to keep a relationship going whether or not it's making them happy. Divorce or breaking up = failure to them. That is a big part of it. Sorry, I really resent that, especially because you're calling it an Asian thing to place less value on sex and Westerners are "just having sex", and it's so wrong. Having been born and raised in Asia myself I'm so thankful I've come to understand these misconceptions about sex. Understand that it's not so much that she doesn't want to date a virgin but someone who essentially doesn't share the same views.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
If he got me off in other ways and I got to see his penis (you don't want to find out it's ugly and tiny on wedding night) then I'd stick around. It all depends on how chaste he wants to be...
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
I would dump him. Sex is important, and I could never date a guy who wanted to wait. I could never commit to someone in any sort of permanent way without taking a test drive.
fashionplate525 fashionplate525 7 years
I just have to say I am so impressed with the supportive advice given by everyone here! I don't think this is an OMG or WHATEVER situation, but instead a very realistic situation couples sometimes have to go through. I think it is important for you to reflect on how much you like this guy and if continuing to date him is more important than sex. It may not be, and that is totally fine, I just think you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest about your needs. Good luck!!!
nyxmoxie nyxmoxie 7 years
I gotta agree with Vsugar, you need to find out why he's staying a virgin. Is it because of religious reasons (which is most often the case for men/women to stay virgins until marriage). Then you have a bigger issue than being a virgin, it goes into religious/philosophical territories that you might disagree with him about and if that's the case, then you might need to rethink the relationship. I wouldn't necessarily ditch the good guy for being a virgin, but sex is an important part of a relationship. I wouldn't stay with my bf if we weren't having sex, because if you get along and aren't having sex that's like being best friends or roommates.
Vsugar Vsugar 7 years
I would be more concerned about the larger issues that might represent, like that you might have very different political, religious, or parenting views. These things might not seem important for someone you are just dating, but if you were to get married, they would be HUGE issues. It sounds like you really aren't that "right' for each other, despite the fact that you might have a great rapport and good chemistry.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 7 years
I was in a similar situation except I was the virgin. I dated someone for about 8 months and at first it wasn't a problem. He said he could deal with not having sex because he cared about me. Over time we both began to resent each other and we split up. If you know this is going to be an issue for you than I say break it off now, don't wait. I also want to say neither of you are wrong, you just have different views on an important part of a relationship.
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