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Sunday Confessional: She Wants a Baby, He Doesn't

Sunday Confessional: She Wants a Baby, He Doesn't

This week's confessional comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to weigh in with your advice in the comments.

I'm ready to have a baby and my husband isn't. Sometimes I consider "forgetting" my pill, but I know it's wrong. When will he change his mind and how can I help him do that fast!!

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PrettyGurl101 PrettyGurl101 7 years
whatever should happens should happens, if u dont get knocked up, then u should wait till UR ready and HE is ready Good luck
PinkNC PinkNC 7 years
I don't know when he'll change his mind, no one does, but if you "forget to take the pill" like you've stated, then you will be resented for that once he finds out. It's like you're trapping you're own husband and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that just because you want something that he doesn't right now. Tricking him into having a baby may lead to divorce, or a long time marriage that he'll ONLY keep together so that the child will not be raised by one parent. And he'll ONLY stay married to you because he doesn't want to have baby mama drama with you after divorce. When you get mad you'll keep his "entrapment baby" from him playing tug of war. You're foul. If you want to change your husbands mind then find another way to go about it. Try doing the simple thing that makes every relationship work.....TALK TO HIM....try communication BEFORE entrapment.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
"Tell him you think you're pregnant and see what his reaction is." Wait, wait, WHAT? I hope that was a joke.
Old-School Old-School 7 years
Maybe you could do a trial run. Tell him you think you're pregnant and see what his reaction is. Or, you could contemplate why it is that you want a baby. Then talk to him about his reasons for not wanting one.
Beauty Beauty 7 years
I think having a child with someone who doesn't want a child is a surefire way to create resentment. And I also think that if people tell you they don't want something, believe them. I have a friend whose spouse wants a baby, and my friend doesn't; their marriage has been stressful and miserable because each is trying to convince the other of something they don't want. Seems fair to say, "I want to start a family. What kind of time frame do you think is reasonable?" and go from there. If it's a good compromise, great. If he doesn't want a family at all, it may be time to decide whether the partner or a child is more important.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 7 years
I agree with most... I don't think you meant you wanted to miss a pill quite so literally, as everyone is taking it. Talk to your husband and find out if and when he will be ready...or find out the reasons why he isn't ready (money, etc)?? One thing I do disagree with is how a lot of ppl are saying "didn't you talk about this??"..people are entitled to change their mind, and it isn't always a good change.
KadBunny KadBunny 7 years
Ok guys, all she said was that she wants one so much that she's thought about doing it (and I hope you leave it at that). She knows it's wrong. With that said-- Unless he's in his 20's or something, guys don't usually change their minds on this so be prepared for the worst. I agree, ask him why he doesn't want one. Maybe it's money matters, maybe it's just nerves--but if he just plain doesn't like kids there's usually nothing you can do about it. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, guy or not (but even with my boyfriend around, I still want to adopt), so maybe that's another thing to think about? I am sorry though, that's awful. I can't imagine what I'd do if the man I loved didn't want the same things I did. Good luck.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 7 years
well maybe he isn't ready just yet, he may want to be more financially secure before having kids. Ask him for the specific reason for his wanting to wait. If it turns out he never wanted kids well then that can be a huge problem (which should have been discussed pre-marriage) especially since you want kids. I would have never married by now husband if he didn't want children because it's just that darn important to me.
amandachalynn amandachalynn 7 years
I wanted to have another baby for the past 3 years. My hubby wasn't ready, and I respected that. I love and respect my husband enough to know that we need to make these decisions together. We kept my 6 month old niece for the weekend, and he couldn't put her down. A week later he suggested having another one. Just wait it out. He will come around, and your relationship will be better for it.
socalbeachgal socalbeachgal 7 years
I think you need to talk to your husband about wanting a baby and why he doesn't want one now. It might be a short term concern. And one thing many commenters are forgetting, sometimes birth control fails, what then??? But don't forget your pill on purpose. When my husband and I were dating, he wasn't sure he wanted kids and we broke up for awhile since I knew that I wanted at least one. We got back together about 6 months later when he decided that kids did have a place in his life. We had a kid about 18 months after we got married.
Pistil Pistil 7 years
It sounds like he wants children eventually, just not now. If he just wants to enjoy a couple more years without kids, let him and have a little patience. If you wanted to have kids, say, in your mid twenties, but he doesn't want to start thinking about a family until his mid-thirties, then you just need to compromise on a timeline.
medenginer medenginer 7 years
Adult consequences come with adult responsibilities. If you chose to not make him part of a decision and manipulate the situation to suit your wants be prepared for the outcome that you might be raising a child alone. Your relationship requires a discussion to see where he stands completely on the subject then it's time for both of you to make some hard decisions.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
I agree that anything manipulative should be out of the question. If you're a young couple there is plenty of time for discussion on the matter or therapy if needed and he'll probably come around at some point. On the other hand if you've been married for years and or pushing the limits on that biological clock then you do need to reevaluate your needs and your relationship because chances are he's settled on the matter. My xbf talked about adopting a baby with his then partner. They were both on board until two months before the adoption. His partner decided he did not want to do it. They both had to reevaluate their needs and in the end they separated and my friend adopted the baby. The past two years of his life I've never seen him happier.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
I agree with everyone that said it's worse than an affair to trick one member of a couple into parenthood. So, OP, please please please don't do that. I am unsure as to whether you and your current husband discussed children before the marriage. If you did have a discussion about children and he does eventually want them, you're just going to have to be patient with him until he is as ready as you are. Keep the communication lines open (but don't fight over it!) about children and when the time is right, parenthood will be a joyful thing for both of you. If he has always been unfavorable to the idea of children, well, you're just shit out of luck. You shouldn't have kids with this man if he never wants them. If you've never had the discussion before, now is the time to have it. If he never wants them, I agree with other posters that some serious reevaluation should take place. However, I don't get the impression from your post that you have never had this discussion with him before because I think you would have stated something along the lines that you've always known he never wanted children (but you thought you could change him, yadda yadda). So I bet it'll just take him a little time to feel he's ready. Just be patient and use this time to keep your love as a couple strong rather than start a rift with fights about babies that don't even exist yet. If he's always wanted kids, then the more in love with you he feels, the more likely he'll start to feel ready to expand the love into a family :)
Ac2366 Ac2366 7 years
It didn't say her husband doesn't ever want children. It says he's not ready. Be patient with him and keep the lines of communication open on this topic from both ends. He'll come around. I agree with the others that forcing him into fatherhood is a bad idea. Keep taking your pill.
snarkypants snarkypants 7 years
i agree with all of the above. it is way worse than an affair. plus, i'm sure the kid would really appreciate the fact that one of his/her parents didn't even want him/her
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
I would say it's worse than an affair. With an affair, you can just break up and you're not obligated to support or even see the 3rd party ever again. If you force a baby on someone who doesn't want one, their life is forever messed up.
cdelaney cdelaney 7 years
i agree with the posts above.
notinthemood notinthemood 7 years
Babies are not toys! You won't "get" him to change his mind... imagine him trying to change YOUR mind about something... hurts, doesn't it? Instead, talk to him and find out why he's not ready. See what things need to be set in place before he's ready to support a family. Then work on getting to that point, but don't think your hormones should dictate the entire course and pace of your marriage.
Spacekatdude Spacekatdude 7 years
I generally agree with everyone's position here - making a unilateral decision like this without consulting your husband is a bad, bad idea (more on this later). A lot of people have said: You should have talked about this before getting married. Yes, BUT. A lot of people change their minds as they age. Some folks aren't ready to have kids when they get married (e.g., in their early twenties), but after having careers, getting grad school out of the way, etc., they decide they're ready to have kids. On the other hand, some people are on the fence when they get married, and then see their small sample of friends having kids and being unhappy and decide it's not for them. Having a baby without your husband on board is a bad, bad idea. If he's not ready to have a baby, it might be because he's concerned about finances, or because there's stuff he wants to do in his career, or traveling he wants to do, etc. Perhaps the guy feels like there is a fundamental unfairness in the marriage now. Is there some way that bargaining with him will help him change his mind. For example: If I let you buy that 1967 Corvette Stingray, can I have a baby? If I let you go to grad school, can I have a baby? Marriage is all about bargaining and deal-making until, ideally, both parties are (equally or at least partially) happy. Another thought for you: SKG and I were thinking that unilaterally having a baby without your hubby's permission is almost as bad as having an affair. You'd be lying, cheating, and introducing a third person into the relationship. Deciding that your needs are more important than the needs of the marriage. Would you go out and spend $100K (as a first installment) without asking your husband?
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