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Sunday Confessional: Should I Forgive Myself?

I had a close friend for 4 years, who I lived with for two of those four. A year ago I moved across the country but we stayed in close contact. I promised her I would fly out to see her on Halloween. The date neared, and I realized I didn't want to go for various reasons (too lazy, mostly. I fly standby as my mom worked for an airline, so it involves waiting around to see if I get on a flight).

Anyway, I called her and lied, saying I had tried but didn't make it on a
flight. It was cowardly, yes. I did it to avoid drama and also because I
was afraid to tell her I just didn't want to put in the effort at the last minute. She called me out on my fib and I denied it, telling her I was mad she would accuse me of such a thing (cringing even typing this)! After irrationally and falsely attacking her instead of coming clean, I took a step back and then told her the truth, apologizing to her sincerely and letting her know I had flown off the handle and had acted crazy, and that I was sorry to have mislead her. I was simply afraid to tell the truth, and the more I denied my lie, the harder it became to confess.

To make a long story short, she stopped talking to me. I have a feeling this is all sounding very Seventeen magazine, but I can't stop shaming myself for lying to her like that. I am consumed with embarrassment over my behavior and at the same time, I feel completely slighted that she simply dropped me like a bad habit after 4 years of tight friendship.

Was what I did truly beyond reproach? How do you let go of someone you love who clearly does not love you?

Join The Conversation
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
fine, u did a wrong thing i guess, by lying to her. but i wouldnt cut contact with a friend just because of that. u were lazy, thats totally understandable. but if it was some other reason, like, u were bored of her or something, its okay for her to be upset and all.
mandy_frost mandy_frost 9 years
Forgive for sure. Life is too short for you to go around feeling like a bad person when you aren't. You messed up. Everyone messes up all the time. Forgive yourself. And go with sabrinaBee. Fly now.
colieoats colieoats 9 years
Situations like that are difficult. It wasn't necessarily the best way to approach that situation, but you fessed up. Maybe she needs some cool-down time. If you two were that close, she move past it and forgive you.
sabrinaBee sabrinaBee 9 years
Why don't you book a flight now and go make up for it? :)
LucaBella LucaBella 9 years
Forgive! You have apologized and told her the truth. Now it is up to her to accept the apology or not. Give her time!!
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 9 years
I don't think this is a big deal at all! She should get over it.
rightmyer rightmyer 9 years
Forgive! I see major butt kissing in your future. Good friendships are hard to come by they need to be appreciated when you have one. In your situation honesty up front would have been the best way to go, as you know now. Give her time to cool and I am sure things will work out.
Danigirl77 Danigirl77 9 years
I feel like I've read this one before!!
Agent022 Agent022 9 years
We've all made mistakes, we've all lied, we're all humans. You felf bad about what you did which suggests you're a person who cares about other people's feelings. You told the truth in the end. Don't be so hard on yourself. Do forgive yourself! xxxxx
jenniferellen jenniferellen 9 years
You told her in the end...and she still decided to drop you as a friend so quickly. A good friend would accept your slight fault and go on being your friend. You're forgiven.
bizzybee bizzybee 9 years
Forgive. Your friend has a right to be upset with you but let's face it, we all make mistakes. And what about your feelings for not wanting to tell the truth in the first place? Where does that come from? Is she someone who is rigid and hard to talk to? Either way, there's a lack of openness in your relationship. It seems to me that her not talking to you is just another sign of this. You can be mad, you can be sorry, but true friendship - like any relationship - takes patience, work, commitment, honestly, understanding and grace. If you had not sincerely apologized for hurting her feelings, which should be the biggest issue, then I could see the silent treatment. At this point, forgive yourself and move on.
Mantis Mantis 9 years
If she chooses to break a 4 years friendship over this... either she is not in her right senses or she clearly has other reasons to do so. What you did was wrong but not THAT wrong. But, are you sure you were so good friends... it seems to me that if you had to lie to her, and if she couldn´t forgive you, your friendship was not that strong. Anyway, forgive yourself!
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
I say forgive. I have done this before, feigning car trouble. Sometimes it gets tiring going to visit people who live far away, and expensive, and esp when they don't come to see you (as is evident in my case) you just have to do something, and saying "I don't want to" really isn't an option.
noelleteresa noelleteresa 9 years
what the frick? tell that dumb bum to get a life. If my friend told me she was too lazy to go and catch a flight, I'd laugh and say I'd probably do the same thing. Then I'd whine at them to go find another flight. Seriously, why does she feel so GD offended. I'm gonna sound Seventeen Magazine when I call her a loser.
starrose starrose 9 years
wow
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
I had a boyfriend who did this to me, lying about five times about an ex-girlfriend and these fessing up once I pushed him. Trust is utterly and completely broken after something like that, and I don't blame your friend for not sticking around-- she probably knew the friendship was irreparable. However, just forgive yourself already and move on. I think you learned your lesson the hard way by losing a friend. reevaluate why you lied, carefully consider your options in a situation like that, and don't do it again.
elramos elramos 9 years
I think you should forgive yourself. Atleast you finally came out and told her the truth. I would have probably not felt like flying out either. If your friend can drop you that quick then maybe she wasn't really your friend to begin with. If one of my friends did that to me I would definitely be angry that they lied to me, but I could never stop talking to them for that.
prut prut 9 years
I know everyone makes mistakes... I think what you need to do is ask yourself why you made them! If you're completely honest, you may find you already know the answer. best of luck xoxo
mrskrismendoza mrskrismendoza 9 years
I voted forgive. But what you did was kinda mean. My best friend did this to me, and it hurts when that happens.
Porsche Porsche 9 years
We all have those days when we mean well but just don't have the energy to follow through...so that is forgivable. However, if this is a frequent problem which has been the case with one of my own girlfriends for over 15 years...I would say then she obviously is more concerned about herself than those of others. It's always best to be honest if possible, but once in a blue moon to avoid arguments or drama I believe is excusable. If she's reasonable, she'll come around. It may take a while...but good friends are well worth the wait.
NadiaPotter NadiaPotter 9 years
well... You were the lazy, were the one that lie, where the one that get mad because she call you on... nice, very nice. And you , are you upset because she doesn't talk to you? I think you are the one that must start telling "I am very very very sorry" and next time find a better excuse... or make a stand at the airport... at least it is cheap. What better excuse than "I have a hell of job... I have too few days to rest to spend them in the airport waiting for a plane for me, sorry, maybe some day inteh future" The point it's that I see that you didn't even try. I hope she forgive you someday!!! soon!
amybdk amybdk 9 years
Forgive! I agree with Neekoh - as flaky as it is, sometimes I just can't be bothered to make/keep plans (long work week, airport hassels, etc.). Luckily, most of my friends have a similar laid-back approach to things of this sort. Good luck!
clarapl clarapl 9 years
Forgive. Please try to realize that she does love you, otherwise she wouldn't feel so hurt by what you did! She's also feeling unloved and like the friendship must not be that important to YOU. That's why she's pulled back. (I do this too!) Try to explain your reasons again and emphasize that while what you did was wrong, it was nothing personal--it was NOT because you didn't want to see her. Then, ask her how you can make it up to her. (That will prove you really do care about the friendship--an apology is just words.) Hope you guys can sort it out.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Forgive. While you shouldn't have lied doing the whole stand-by thing really sucks, my sister was a flight attendant and I only used her benefit once because of how annoying it is to spend the day at the airport. In hindsight you know you should have just been upfront with her and told her.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
No wonder she is upset at you. You lied to her, she called you on it, you got upset that she was calling you out on her lie (which was very childish) you confess, then you get upset that she won't talk to you? Come on! You shouldn't have lied to her in the first place. She must know you pretty well enough to know when you are telling the truth and when you are lying. I am 50/50 on this forgive or not forgive thing. She must be wondering "What else does she lie to me about." Friendship needs to be based on trust and honesty. Give your friend some time and see what happens. Maybe you will learn next time to just be honest.
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