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A Tale Of Two Men

Dear Sugar
My fiancé and I had a big fight in May and he told me that he considered us separated. I think he was just being dramatic, because he told all of our friends that it was just a fight. We are back together now, but while we were "separated" I reconnected with a guy who I ended up having a one-night stand with.

I love my fiancé and, in fact I can't picture spending my life with anyone else. But he doesn't make me feel like he's attracted to me. He never tells me I look pretty or that he wants me. I've tried talking to him about this but I never seem to get anywhere.

On the other hand my "friend" makes it very clear that he wants me and that he finds me unbelievably attractive. We have not talked about feelings or where this fling is going because I am still engaged and I do love my fiancé very much.

I feel like I am caught in the middle of something that’s about to blow up, so I need to make a decision quickly. At times, I feel like there could be something serious between my one nightstand and me if I stopped holding myself back, but I can’t be sure.

I know that my fiancé will never change. We don't communicate well together, so usually one of us winds up feeling hurt or angry. I don't know if I am holding on because I am scared of moving on. I feel torn between these two people and I'm not sure what to do. Love Me Laci

To see DEARSUGAR’s response

Dear Love Me Laci
You are playing with fire. Now that you are back together with your fiancé who you were so scared to lose, you are lying to him. You really must make a decision. If he were to find out about your continued affair, what makes you so sure that he would be willing to forgive you and stay together?

Understand that the most important thing in a relationship is communication. If you don’t have that, you can forget having a satisfying and healthy marriage. I am sure that’s where your feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness stem from as well. No one wants to have to constantly fish for compliments.

Also understand that most relationships take some level of work. Do you want to try and work things out with your fiancé? If you do, then seek out couples counseling. In a few sessions, you can learn the essential communication tools necessary for better dialogue between the two of you. But you can’t fix something that doesn’t want fixing.

Only you can make this decision. Take some time to figure out what feels right for you. But don’t measure your fiancé against your one night stand. That’s like comparing apples and oranges.

Of course Mr. One Night Stand is going to be fabulous; he is an escape and a fantasy. Having fantastic sex with someone who tells you how hot you are is just what you are missing from your current relationship.

Think about him long term though…do you really want to be with him? The sex may be super now, but that will fade and what you are left with is a leopard. And everyone knows that a leopard doesn’t change his spots. Once you are settled in with Mr. One Night Stand, what makes you think he’s not going to go after someone else’s fiancé and keep it a secret from you? Just some food for thought.

Good luck.

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