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A Tale Of Two Men

Dear Sugar
My fiancé and I had a big fight in May and he told me that he considered us separated. I think he was just being dramatic, because he told all of our friends that it was just a fight. We are back together now, but while we were "separated" I reconnected with a guy who I ended up having a one-night stand with.

I love my fiancé and, in fact I can't picture spending my life with anyone else. But he doesn't make me feel like he's attracted to me. He never tells me I look pretty or that he wants me. I've tried talking to him about this but I never seem to get anywhere.

On the other hand my "friend" makes it very clear that he wants me and that he finds me unbelievably attractive. We have not talked about feelings or where this fling is going because I am still engaged and I do love my fiancé very much.

I feel like I am caught in the middle of something that’s about to blow up, so I need to make a decision quickly. At times, I feel like there could be something serious between my one nightstand and me if I stopped holding myself back, but I can’t be sure.

I know that my fiancé will never change. We don't communicate well together, so usually one of us winds up feeling hurt or angry. I don't know if I am holding on because I am scared of moving on. I feel torn between these two people and I'm not sure what to do. Love Me Laci

To see DEARSUGAR’s response

Dear Love Me Laci
You are playing with fire. Now that you are back together with your fiancé who you were so scared to lose, you are lying to him. You really must make a decision. If he were to find out about your continued affair, what makes you so sure that he would be willing to forgive you and stay together?

Understand that the most important thing in a relationship is communication. If you don’t have that, you can forget having a satisfying and healthy marriage. I am sure that’s where your feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness stem from as well. No one wants to have to constantly fish for compliments.

Also understand that most relationships take some level of work. Do you want to try and work things out with your fiancé? If you do, then seek out couples counseling. In a few sessions, you can learn the essential communication tools necessary for better dialogue between the two of you. But you can’t fix something that doesn’t want fixing.

Only you can make this decision. Take some time to figure out what feels right for you. But don’t measure your fiancé against your one night stand. That’s like comparing apples and oranges.

Of course Mr. One Night Stand is going to be fabulous; he is an escape and a fantasy. Having fantastic sex with someone who tells you how hot you are is just what you are missing from your current relationship.

Think about him long term though…do you really want to be with him? The sex may be super now, but that will fade and what you are left with is a leopard. And everyone knows that a leopard doesn’t change his spots. Once you are settled in with Mr. One Night Stand, what makes you think he’s not going to go after someone else’s fiancé and keep it a secret from you? Just some food for thought.

Good luck.

Join The Conversation
heatherp heatherp 10 years
marriage is or should be a lifetime commitment. are you getting cold feet or is your fiance really not satisfying you? do you have a wedding date set? maybe you could try to be engaged longer. it's ALWAYS easier to call off a wedding than to get divorced. do you want to share any of your hesitations with your fiance? the decision you make regarding that relationship should be independent of your fling status.
herbiefrog herbiefrog 10 years
there are no numers to talk to people with what's the point ?
melody911 melody911 10 years
the fantasy guy does not know about the fiance, if he did he wouldn't be with me. and its not just about sex or feeling wanted, its about connecting with someone in a way that i havent in a long time. we do more than just have sex, we actually have a lot in common and he is a really sweet guy. i do love my fiance and i feel extremely guilty for what i am doing. i have asked my fiance if he finds me attractive and he always says "would i be with you if i didn't?". but he never shows me that he finds me attractive. he acts completely un-interested in our sex life and it's gotten to the point where i feel like im hanging out with a friend rather than a partner. ive tried repeatedly to fix things between us and he just acts like its no big deal. i really wasn't asking anyone to tell me what im doing is okay, i already know its not, i guess i just wanted a second opinion from someone not involved.
haze1nut haze1nut 10 years
yeah, sweetpea. there's a lotta questions about infedility. i guess they need someone to validate their decision so they don't have to carry that tremendous amount of guilt on their shoulders. but seriously. in my honest opinion, if you sleep with someone else other than your 'partner', isn't that like a BIG GIGANTIC relationshiup breaker? i mean, that's gotta say that you're def unhappy or there's something wrong with your relationship but people who cheat are always in denial.
haze1nut haze1nut 10 years
wow....i just wrote a whole page basically and it got cut off because....argh. anyways, to summarize what i said. don't stay with a guy because you're 'scared' of leaving, stay with the guy because you love him. infatuation doesn't equal love the 'honeymoon phase' will eventually end, so you have to think in 'long run terms' of which guy will suit you more. go where your gut tells you, if your heart is pulling you one direction then go there. once you decide to take the risk don't regret it. maybe you need more time apart from your fiancee because right now it doesn't seem you're ready to get back together.
SweetPeasMom SweetPeasMom 10 years
Haze, I was thinking the same thing. What's with all the unfaithful women writing in wanting us to say that their infidelity is ok?
haze1nut haze1nut 10 years seems like a lot of the dear sugar questions seem sorta similar >.< how can you say you really love your fiancee if you can point out so many complaints against him? you can't communicate well, he doesn't make you feel special, you don't feel like you're getting attention, you have fights. if all of this is making you feel so uncertain, then why did you say 'yes' to him in the first place? like i've said before. "infatuation doesn't equal love" the first time you meet a guy and get together, we all know about the "honeymoon phase", and eventually that ends. but doesn't marriage open up something new to expect? like a rekindling of lost feelings and starting fresh? (or something? lol) but if you feel like this isn't something you want to do with the other guy, and you can't see yourself having babies together or having dinner in paris in 20 years then I say go where your gut tells you. it may be hard to break up, but if you feel that your heart is tugging you another direction, i say go for it and don't regret it. don't stay with a guy, just because you're 'scared', you stay because you love him.
ishtar ishtar 10 years
Ok so I think that you just like feeling lusted after etc. but I promise you that will fade. I think you like feeling attractive and wanted by men and sexy but this feeling will be one that you will tire of, i promise you and then you won't care about that and will want something real, someone who you can have fun with and laugh and feel comfortable with and someone you feel a connection to. Maybe that is your fiance, maybe not. But don't give something real up just to feel sexy. Ask your fiance if he finds you attractive, maybe he doesnt want to make you have a big head or something so he doesnt tell you you are attractive or maybe he is more attracted to your inner beauty. I know it sounds cheesy but that type of beauty counts the most. Those guys that tell you you are sexy are alluring bc they make you feel great about yourself but that won't always matter to you. hope that helps and good luck!
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
Oh, and tell fantasy-man to get lost, too. Obviously he don't respect you already if he's going after a woman that's having relationship problems with someone else. Assholes.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
What is with men these days? Do they think they don't have to work at a relationship after they get the woman in bed? I mean, I've been with some assholes that didn't give no compliments or nothin' either. They just give up, since they assume that they have you where they want you. That's why you gotta shake your man a little bit, hunny. Tell him if he don't shape up, you're shipping out. If he don't want to make the effort, don't give him your time. That is all.
team_aspartame team_aspartame 10 years
i hear ya dearsugar, i think u shud really get some counselling and try to take some time away from fantast guy. I think u are prob under estamating your love for your fiance. Give him time and u have to def. tell him that u had a one night stand! Honesty is the best policy. Without being honest you are first of all lying to ur fiance indirectly.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Def talk to him. Least this one is better then the other cheater. lol well sorta better Help me name my new son! **names are added and changed by the second.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 10 years
Life is so hard to deal with sometimes- I went through an extremely similar situation a couple months ago. It is very hard, but you really have to follow your gut. Remember, the grass is always greener. It is probably the most true saying ever. You need to decide if what you have with your fiance is something you are willing to save. If you really really feel in your gut that something is not right, then recognize it. As much as it might hurt his feelings, you need to tell him if you dont want to be with him. Otherwise, this could happen once you are married (and remember, marriage only makes things much more complicated). If this new man really makes you feel that this is what you are looking for, then you should definitely re-evaluate your potential husband. If anything, take a break from the engagement (and the relationship). Take a minute to step back and see what YOU want in life. You might just find the answers you are looking for.
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