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Telling Boyfriend You're Seeing Ex

Group Therapy: Do I Have to Tell My Boyfriend I'm Seeing My Ex?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a great bf who is kind and generous, and has supported me emotionally through a really tough time in my life. We've known each other for a while, and were friends for years before we started dating, So he knows my ex bf and has met him several times. He also knows how badly he broke my heart and how much I loved him. In fact the last serious relationship I had was with that guy three years prior.

Anyways, my ex went through some tough times and ended up in rehab. So when he got out he contacted me to apologize for what had happened between us. He actually came to my house (mutual friend lives down the street from me), and yada yada so I forgave him. I told my bf that he stopped by unexpectedly (he really did) and he wasn't happy, but didn't really say anything about it.


I am in grad school (psychology) and for my substance abuse class we have to go to a narcotics anonymous meeting. So, obviously being a little nervous, I asked my ex if I could join him to one of his meetings. Now, I do not know if I should tell my current boyfriend, or just go to the meeting (it's one hour) and that's it.

My bf and I have discussed several times not being friends with exes, which neither one of us are, out of respect for the other person. I just don't want to upset him.

I know what at least one response is going to be, "How would you feel?" I've thought about that. And I feel that I should tell him, I just don't want him to think too much into it or anything like that. Because I know if my bf told me that, I would start thinking if they were hanging out all the time or just that night? Or what about before and after the meeting? Stupid things like that.


Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
jenjen82 jenjen82 5 years
Obvious answer go to a different meeting. If your "nervous" about hanging around a bunch of drug addicts for an hour then you are going into the wrong profession. Get a grip and stop being a sissy about it and just go to another meeting. That is unless this really isn't about you being nervous and you deep down want to hang out with your ex..
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
The important question in not only "how would you feel?" but "how would you react?" Really though, how would you react if your boyfriend did what you plan on doing? Wouldn't you ask him if it was necessary to your project to go with your ex-bf to the meeting? Wouldn't you ask him if he could go elsewhere? And if your bf found out later on that you did such a thing, how do you think he'd react? My bet is that he would be confused as to why you hide that from him, hurt that you did so, wonder why it was so important for you to go to the meeting with your ex-bf, etc. You say you have an agreement with your bf not to be friends with exes. Well, how do you define a friendship? It seems to me as though you are sending the wrong signals to your ex-bf, and you are in denial about your own wants. My advice is to not meet the ex-bf. Cut him out of your life completely. You accepted his apology. Fine. That didn't need to be done, but it was done anyway. Whatever. Now that he got his closure, you can go on your way. And for Pete's sake, you're a graduate student. You're smarter than that. You can find many other ways of doing your research. Just don't use your ex-bf for anything. He's in your past, not your present. So, leave him there, where he belongs.
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 5 years
Hiding things only makes it worse when the truth comes out. Tell him or go to a different meeting.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
I don't think you're going to the same meeting as your ex because you're a "little nervous". There's nothing nerve wracking about attending an anonymous meeting alone. Stop fanning the fire and just pick another-why not go to the same one as a classmate?
karlotta karlotta 5 years
You should always tell the truth. First of all, lies tend to always come back and bite us in the ass. Second, honesty is one of the most important things in a healthy, happy relationship. Don't announce it - discuss it with him. As in "how would you feel if I..." with a lot of reassurance on your intentions. By the way, not being friends with exes is an immature relationship rule. I understand the insecurity that it can trigger, and I'm not talking about becoming best buds and hanging out all the time, but the kind of interactions you're having with your ex is completely normal, civil, and adult.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
ita with njau and the others. I don't see why you have to tag along your ex-bf to go to an AA meeting, what if you don't know anyone in a meeting, will your class actually disallow you to go by yourself? If you're that anxious of going to where you don't know anyone, that's a little unusual because your major basically requires you to have social interaction and many will be with strangers. Think of it as a practice for your future (going to a place where you don't know anyone in the classroom). :) And if you do feel strongly that you have to attend the meeting with your ex, you have to let your current bf know before going. njau brought up a very good point, hiding it only makes things more suspicious and will probably create trust issue in the future. Good luck.
njau njau 5 years
You must you must you must tell your current bf of your intentions. How would you feel if your bf had an initial meeting with his ex, told you about it, and you freaked (like normals do), and then he decided because you freaked the first time he was going to go behind your back in secrecy do meet up with them again. Would that put your radar on that something fishy is going on? Would that make you less likely to trust him? You know full and well that almost all secrets do come out in the end, how much do you respect your significant other at this point?
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I have to agree. Just choose a different meeting. I'm sure it's nowhere in the requirements that you have to know someone else attending the meeting. Going to a different location would solve your problem.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Why go to the particular meeting that your ex is in? Sounds like you just want to fly close to the flame. If the visit bothered your current bf, why push the envelop. Be considerate to the person who matters most, hopefully that person is your current bf.
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