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Group Therapy: Must I Tell Him Everything About My Past?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've finally found the greatest guy ever. I've known him in college as an acquaintance but we never were more than that. Fast forward 3 years post graduation and we somehow are enrolled in the same graduate program on the other side of the country. Things are great, I can see myself marrying him; I am ready to take the next step.

However, my past haunts me. I was sexually abused when I was in college, which my boyfriend knows about. I got therapy and I can deal with that okay. When I moved to my first job after college and began dating a total scumbag, I got pregnant but had a miscarriage. Again, I sought help and learned to deal with it as well.


I really want to tell my boyfriend this, but I'm afraid of his reaction. He's a pretty strong believer in the Catholic faith, but is not a virgin himself. He recognizes we both have a history (he was even engaged before). I don't know if he needs to know, since the whole situation was horrible to go through (basically, the guy who got me pregnant didn't believe me and left, and then I had a miscarriage). I don't want to lose the man I want to marry because of a stupid mistake when I was younger.

Do you think he needs to know?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
I guess I have a different view. But thats the advantage of a forum here. A lot of people advise that if you dated a loser that makes you look like one too, so if you did date a loser, why go around telling everyone about you poor choices in life? Not everyone is so considerate and so forgiving as you think. That's assuming quite a bit unless your speaking to a therapist. I consider the past the past. I think a lot of women feel obligated to tell things about the past which isn't necessary in my opinion. I know I have a much cooler perspective with regard to that, however you don't see men on these forums confessing this and that do you? No you don't. They all keep their mouths shut and their eyes open. So to say that women need to recount every stupidity in her past to her future partner is not my take on this. Its unfair and also who's to say he doesn't have something he's hiding as well but he says nothing about it to her. Meanwhile she's laid all her cards on the table. I say be careful. Be smart before you recant an entire saga and expect a shoulder to cry on, when you get nothing but questions and an unexpected negative outcomes.
sahieszhya sahieszhya 6 years
tell him
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
I would absolutely tell him. There's no reason to keep this from him. If he loves you that much, it won't matter.
beautiful-disaster beautiful-disaster 6 years
i think you should tell him, just in case something happens down the road. the miscarriage may have been a one time thing, but what if you get pregnant again with his child and have another miscarriage (not that it WILL happen, and i am most definetly not trying to worry you)? the doctor will NEED to know that this has happened before and it would be horrible for him to find out that way. from a medical point of view that is simply one reason to tell him. apart from the medical view point, like others have said, this is a severe trauma and it wasn't your fault. he should know what you have had to go through, and a miscarriage is obviously not a sin. its a part of nature and was most likely what your body felt needed to be done at the time because it wasn't ready or something was wrong with the pregnancy.
French-Kiss French-Kiss 6 years
Hum, you should take the time to feel good in your relationship, and if you trust him, then tell him. But don't do it has a test, just reflect about how to tell him. I don't think it has nothing to do with him, i mean, you are not lying. It was both accidents, has it happens in life, so you have the right to have your intimacy (not especially "secrets" as "must not tell" just a part you keep on your own and you manage to be a little comfortable with). You have the most difficult part of the story. You just ask him to love you for you you are, not for what life made you go through, tell him like this. And by the way, be proud to have managed to go through this, it's very strong from you. =)
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
It is your choice whether or not you want to tell him. Do you HAVE TO tell him? No, absolutely not if you are not comfortable doing so. You are not obligated to tell him something if you decide that you do not want to, it was in the past and does not have any future significance in your relationship with him. Now, consider this: if he judges you or leaves you as a result of you telling him this, then he was not the right person for you to be with anyway. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them. Your partner should be the person that loves you anyway, especially when what you went through was traumatic. So do I think that you should tell him if you want to: yes, perhaps the way that he reacts would be a good test of whether he is in fact the man that you want to marry. Good luck.
JanetG0307 JanetG0307 6 years
first, congrats on seeking help for what you went through! it's tough to face issues and it seems like you did get the right help you needed! second, to answer your question, you'll have to make the choice to tell him or not yourself. i would tell him, because if you can't be honest with someone you want to spend your life with, then who can you be honest with. accept he may get mad, get upset, get defensive, etc., but if he really is the one for you, then it wont matter in the long run. best of luck!
bransugar79 bransugar79 6 years
Some people say you don't have to tell your SO everything. I think when you find someone you want to spend your life with, they should be able to see all of you without a filter and still love you just the same. That's what builds strength in a relationship. In this situation, it doesn't seem like you even have anything to be ashamed of. You boyfriend knows you aren't a virgin, and neither is he. You had a miscarriage; which is not only not your fault, but is a super painful experience that you have had to work through. If he can't handle knowing you inside and out, then the problem is not with you. It sounds like you have lots of reason to believe he will be there for you so don't let your own fear control how you live your life. give him a chance to be the man you already know he is.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
Helendanger is right on the point, if the guy leaves you for something like this--that was not your fault-- it's not someone you want to be with. If he's as incredible as you say, he will have not problem with this. This is not your fault. I understand your fears though, so give yourself some time--if you are currently in therapy talk with your therapist, he or she will help you prepare for this news.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Helen is right on this one. I suggest you tell him too. I usually think that the past is another island, but in this case, it seems to haunt you. It'll be good to unburden yourself and you need to know what kind of a man your bf is too. Good luck to you.
jessr1214 jessr1214 6 years
I also think you should tell him. Like Holly said, you don't have anything to be ashamed of. It actually might make you feel better to unburden yourself of this secret and realize that it doesnt make you undeserving of love. You will probably end up telling him sooner or later, better to get it out there now.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Of course you should tell him. You need to know now what kind of guy he is. If he left you over something like that, it would mean he had no compassion for you. He is the one who should be judged here. Does he love all of you, or just an idea of you? (You will make more mistakes in the future, just different ones. Everyone does.) It is better to find out now--rather than hide this and have him reject you over something else after you are married.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
'The past is another country and they do things differently there"
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
If he really cares about you, it won't matter. No one has the right to judge you for your past. What someone else did to you isn't your fault. As for your mistakes, remember that he isn't perfect. He's made mistakes too.
talanted08 talanted08 6 years
Take the time out and do the right thing that will benefit you both in the end! He shouldn't find this out through someone else b/c people can be evil! He's not the ripest fruit in the bush so what reason would he have to disrespect you in any way! Being honest is the best policy!!
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
I'd tell him. You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Like you pointed out, he is not a virgin, and also you miscarried-that's not a sin. Anyway, secrets hurt. There are some things from the past that can stay there (like I doubt he needs to know the size of your last boyfriends package), but there are other elements of our past that help to make us who we are today. I think you should tell him. Don't make a huge production out of it. I think that is the mistake people make. Just sit and talk about life and let the conversation get itself there.
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