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It's Time To Say Bye To My Abusive Guy

It's Time To Say Bye To My Abusive Guy

Dear Sugar
I am 20 years old and have been married for ten months. Before my husband and I got married, he was abusive. The first time that he hit me I was pregnant with our daughter. I left him for almost two years and he spent some time in jail but has since been released.

He promised me that he's changed so I decided to give him a second chance. Since we got married, he has continued to abuse me. He has only hit me once, but he is verbally and emotionally abusive on a daily basis. I know I need to leave him but I don't know what to do or where my daughter and I can go. I am so confused, can you help? Tortured Tanya

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Tortured Tanya
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I understand this is an extremely confusing time for you, but you are doing the right thing by leaving your husband. Abusers do not change overnight even thought they make promises, their behavior only gets worse without professional psychiatric therapy.

Do you have any family members or friends you can stay with until you can get your feet on the ground? If you don't feel comfortable confronting anyone and there are no other family members around, there are many online services, free of charge that can offer support, and guidance 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Try contacting The National Domestic Violence Hot Line or The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence for help and advice.

Although your daughter is still young, this behavior is bound to impact her life as well so the sooner you leave your husband the better.

Now is the time to set an example of courage and bravery. Abusers can be master manipulators and tend to feel deep remorse for their abuse only to strike again so don't let him fool you. Hang in there, be strong, and remember there is always help out there.

Join The Conversation
Jinx Jinx 10 years
That's right Jamie, you just take turns helping with meals and dishes and stuff. If you have appointments, there's childcare staff on hand and everything. ------------------------------------------------------ Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. — Albert Einstein
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
Oh yeah, that is true Jinx! I had a friend who went to one of those homes with her 2 daughters and little toddler son. They even gave her like.....I don't remember if it was $1500. or $2500. to start her in a new place, cell phone for emergency 911 only, and they ate free there. She said they had 'chores' there of course..but that might be an avenue for you Tanya!
Jinx Jinx 10 years
Run like the wind! There is usually a Woman's Interval home or somewhere similar, even in small communities. They are usually secure and confidential. They have staff to assist you with childcare while you get councelling, legal assistance, find a new place to live, etc. They can help with so much, even if you have family or friends available also. Good Luck. ------------------------------------------------------ Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. — Albert Einstein
bobfet1 bobfet1 10 years
Yeah, you need to get out of there ASAP to prevent any more damage to your child than has already been done. Also, be careful that any new relationships you make don't have this same dynamic.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
he will never change. , his insecurities won't allow him to. leave.
lolak lolak 10 years
I grew up in a home where I saw my dad beat my mom and leave her black, blue and swollen, believe me... YOU DO NOT want your baby seeing this!!! I grew up very defensively and I am programed to automatically snap when I sence threat and believe me it's not good. I don;t think about the consequences and end up hurting a lot of people and myself. Even my relationship has suffered because of this. Up until I met my boyfriend and his family I did not know what a family really was, and oh is it painful to see someone you love getting hurt by the man who is supposed to be the protector of his family. My dad and I never really talk and it's sad to say but many times even now I still cry on cue when I remember all that he and his family put us through. Don't let your baby see this, you brought her into this life and you owe her that much and as much happiness and security of the future you can give her. Good luck on this and please keep us updated on your moves. I would like to know when you and your baby are in a better place.
tifygodess24 tifygodess24 10 years
Staying in a abusive relationship is dangerous for you and a really bad example for your daughter. You would never want anyone to treat her that way so dont let yourself be treated like that! Find all the supportive people in your life to help and get out of there as fast as you can!! You are going to need all the support you can get! You are worth SO much more!! I wish you the best of luck!!!
sarahlynn sarahlynn 10 years
there is no good reason to stay with someone who is abusive. not for kids, money, old time sake, anything. get out. run.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
WHY do so many women think that marriage is going to magically transform their man into an appropriate partner? now you have a child involved and there is your real issue. you must leave. get as far away as possible as soon as possible. the domestic hotlines are excellent suggestions. good luck and the strength to do what you need to do to you. 2007?
sai714 sai714 10 years
It has been my experience, that it comes down to one choice: Which do you fear more, the known or the unknown? Once that fear of the unknown lessens, leaving will get easier. No matter what anyone says or tells you, no one can walk out of the door except you. What ever good advice or intention others have - you have got to be strong enough to make and own the decision to leave. If it is easier, make a plan. Address those issues that have you saying, " I can't because..." If it is money: Get yourself a bank account of your own that has statements going to a trusted friend or family member. You would be surprised at how willing people are to help you if you give them privilege to help another person in trouble. Is it where you live? If you live in an apartment - talk to the leasing agent privately. Build up the confidence that you can make it on your own. Talk to anyone you feel comfortable with about your situation. There are so many places you can go; all you have to do is ask. The more you open up to others about your relationship and the course of action you need to take, the more real and decisive you will be. To do this for your daughter should be enough...but we are only human and the fear of the unknown is powerful. It is not your job to sacrifice yourself for your daughter, rather, it is your job to live and love her where both of you are safe.
missnomi missnomi 10 years
think about it: would you want your child to have a relationship like this? treat yourself as you would a child.
kittycat kittycat 10 years
please leave this loser the worse form of abuse is verbal and emotional. physical is not acceptable in any form either.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
he is not allowed to treat you like this. please leave, your family and friends most certainly will take you and your child in. good luck with everything. :hug:
sashak sashak 10 years
I was in a very abusive relationship for two years. He ain't gonna change. Leave if not for you than for your daughter. even if you have to go to a woman's shelter it will be far better than staying at home. If you have any cuts or bruises now, take pics of them & press charges like crazy! abusive behavior is absolutely not acceptable
Nekosan Nekosan 10 years
Leave immediately, we wouldn't want to see you on Oprah after your husband has tried to kill you.
honey31 honey31 10 years
Please leave him he is only going to turn on your child eventually!
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