The 3 S's of Oral Sex

I'm not a huge oral sex fan. There I said it. Kind of strange for a sex-pert to say, right?

I don't mind receiving it but am kind of like "meh" as it compares to doing the actual deed of intercourse. I'm a visceral sort of girl and prefer visceral acts of play — various positions, getting fingered, g-spot stimulation, that sort of thing. Think intensity in 10 cities, live at Budokan — that's me. A sensation junkie. I love getting in the zone and receiving the gift of the zone — the big O.

I'm actually quite greedy when it comes to g-spot orgasms lately. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning. That's what your sexual prime does to you as a woman. Gets you nuts about receiving, giving, everything that has to do with S-E-X, right now, in this moment, make it happen. Now.

I like going down on my guy. For about five minutes. It turns me on, gets me well on my way, gets him happy as hell. But I don't like oral to become the main event. That to me is reserved for penetration, which I acknowledge is both a dated way to look at sex and something that I need to get over, as it were, especially as an advocate for better sex and an aficionado of complex sexual interactions.

I just have to really like a penis to go down on it. It's not something I just pop my mouth open for on any day. I'm not a can opener for Christ's sake. It has to be (a) pretty and (b) hygienic to get me interested. It also has to be attached to one hell of a man (my guy is). Most importantly, it has to produce some nice semen and not every penis has that capacity.

Some penises stink (get checked out please).

Some just aren't that pretty (sorry about your luck).

And some penises aren't manscaped (do something about this — in fact, guys and girls should read up on what the opposite sex thinks about body hair).

It's not that I don't find it a turn-on to watch someone else go down on my guy. I am a swinger, for God's sake and a total freak when it comes to other girls giving my guy head. It gets me wetter than a slip and slide. It's just an endeavor that I'd rather pass along to someone else while I watch old episodes of Twin Peaks or make a nice salad or get sand between my toes. Again, just not that diverting beyond the initial five minutes.

But in the interest of becoming a better lay (my constant quest) I boned up on the old oral sex issue (yes, that double entendre was just for you, dear reader). I choose to see my life as a bit of an experiment as to how to make things more interesting and certainly more entertaining, especially to myself and my partner.

So there's that . . .

And, being a writer and invested in passing along worldly bits of wisdom, I've always said that there are three major ingredients to giving good oral that I seek to embody — and those are the three S's of oral sex . . . subtlety, sincerity, and spit.

It isn't about taking the entire penis in; it can be far more erotic to lick and tease while down there. Do not forget about a little ball play as well — grab those fellas and take 'em to town with a little jostlin'. I have a friend whose pretend porn name when we were drinking was "Jocelyn Manutz." Pretty funny and one to remember for sure. Nuts like to be jostled. Don't grab his cock and see how far you can get it down your throat. Make it a sensual experience. Ease into it. Tease. Make it fun.

Don't go down there if you aren't even going to try. Some of the best head ever gotten is when a woman is just learning how to do it and the effort is genuine. It can be incredibly titillating to have someone go to town on you that is sincere and earnest in their efforts. It can go from sexy for a woman just putting the effort in to transformative and a positive experience when she's eager to prove herself. Also, this can be where eye contact can come in very handy because it belies extra amounts of interest. If you're maintaining eye contact you're interested in your partner's pleasure. This is huge and reaps huge rewards.

The simplest of points, spit is pretty simple. . . . Don't make it feel like dry humping. Keep the cock nice and shiny. It can be very erotic to watch a woman spitting on a cock, stroking it with her hands, and then taking it fully into her mouth.

Feel dirty yet? No? Want me to keep going? Let's hear from the guys, shall we . . .

Heath (age 36): My advice would be to tell all the ladies of the world, "slow down." It's not a race.

Bob (age 42): No biting. Well no chewing would be more accurate. And eye contact. Copious eye contact. It's always better for us if you like it too. So let us know you do.

Brian (age 35): Use both hands.

James (age 24): Lick the balls . . . Never forget about the balls!

Edward (age 27): Watch porn, duh . . .

Jimmy (age 31): Swallow and keep going for a little longer . . .

Hard to believe that speaking about oral sex was frowned upon prior to the 1960s, isn't it, when it is so present in our consciousness today. So open up a bit if you're like me and feeling a bit bored by it. Open up to its lovely little lessons and opportunities for growth (literal and figurative). Find yourself ensconced in its luscious loveliness as you embrace your lover for another go and your lover's naughty bits along with it.

Oral sex is something to be savored, especially the swill that comes with it. I've always been one for a good home brew, even if I'm not so infatuated with the process leading up to it (too type A, I suppose). . . . Until next time, lovelies. Onward. Keep f*cking and keep it holy.