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True Confession — I Didn't Tell Her He Hit on Me

True Confession — I Didn't Tell Her He Hit on Me

I know how much you all love our Sunday Confessional, so my friend at True Confessions is joining forces with me to bring you a midweek confessional! Weigh in and tell us if you forgive the confessional below or not.

"Over the weekend, my friend's fiancé came on to me. I turned him down but now I don't know what to do. I don't want to see her marry a cheating jerk but I decided not to butt in — she probably wouldn't believe me anyway, or she'd find some way to blame me. But if he is sleeping around, chances are he's putting her at risk for STIs. For the sake of sustaining my friendship, I opted to keep my mouth shut but now I'm second guessing myself. Can I be forgiven for staying mum?"


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dikke-kus dikke-kus 8 years
It happened to me once. I told. I lost a friend. It happend to me again with someone else. I didn't tell. I kept my friend for life and she'll never know.
starinajar starinajar 9 years
This is a toughie. As her friend, you should tell her before she marries him, or else you'd probably have to live with the guilt of wondering if he cheats on her during their future marriage. If she's at risk for STD's, she could be risking her life. It will be very hard to tell her, but you need to. In the long run, I think she'd be more hurt if she married her fiance, found out he was cheating and he had STD's, and even more so if she found out that you knew all along. Do the right thing. Someday she'll thank you for it.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Tell her! If you were in her situation, wouldn't you want to know this information! I think if you really cared about her you would tell her. Be prepared that she might be angry at you or not believe you. It sounds irrational, but sometimes people do shoot the messenger. But you will know in your heart that you did the right thing. What if she marries the guy or get pregnant!
taratootie taratootie 9 years
iRose has a good point. If they are just a friend and you can deal with possibly losing her, then tell. If you can deal with her being angry a possibly blaming you, then tell. If not, then I am sure his ways will come out in some other way, unfortunately for her it will probably be after they are married for a while. BUT if this is a BEST FRIEND you def owe it to her to tell her. BFFs are supposed to be honest with one another. Tell her that she can take some time to think about it and you are only telling her b/c you want to protect her and you really care about her having a trusting relationship. You should be very responsive to anything she says and tell her you will support her, no matter what her decision. Good luck... amd remember that doing whats right isnt the same thing as doing whats easy.
plus_2_kid plus_2_kid 9 years
totally depends on how close a friend she is.
geebers geebers 9 years
I forgive but I do think you need to find a way to tell her. Perhaps sit her down and tell her you consider her a good friend and hope she wont get angry at what you are about to tell her.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
Forgive, as long as you tell her. She probably won't want to hear it and might be upset at you but that's her hang up. What if it continues? He knows you did not tell her so he might conclude you are okay with it. Preface the conversation with how trustworthy you have been throughou the friendship. Then just tell her. If drama ensues walk away and whatever happens after that is her own doing...
Shinykatie Shinykatie 9 years
This is a tricky one. I've had a really similar experience, but it was actually my sister and she had just split up with him (they'd been together for a long time.) I felt that it wouldn't really help to tell her since they had split up (and no one wants to hear that your ex has got over you *that* quickly!), but I would have told her if she had started talking about getting back together. In this case, I think I'd talk to him first and tell him that I thought he was totally out of order - and that I wanted to tell my friend about it. His reaction would probably give you an indicator of how seriously he feels about your friend. And if he showed genuine remorse (or at least seemed to!) I'd probably put it down to idiocy on his part and give him the benefit of the doubt. But I'd warn him that I'm now watching him like a hawk for any future transgressions!
missyd missyd 9 years
I'm sorry, but if you were a REALLY good friend, I wouldnt forgive you. How could you not tell me something SO important that affects my entire life and future? It's up to me what I want to do with that info and whether I want to believe you or not, but at least you did your part. And when the Sh** hits the fan (which it will), I will feel foolish for not listening to you and realize you were being a good friend. And if I decided not to be your friend anymore after you told me, well, whatever. YOU know what happened, and you can move on knowing you were being the bigger person and being honest. I was in this situation once and told my best friend. She stuck up for him and disowned me....but 4 years later she finally caught him in the sack with another, and saw that I was just trying to warn her. Our friendship is too fargone now to be repaired completely, but I didnt lose any sleep about it at any point. I was trying to do the moral thing.
avettafawna avettafawna 9 years
I voted to not forgive. If you would rather let your friend marry a cheating jerk at the sake of preserving your own friendship with her than that sounds pretty selfish to me. Sure, she may not believe you, she may blame you, dump you, despise you, but you have information that could help change the course of her life in a good way. By not telling her all you are doing is looking out for YOURSELF. In my book, friends are people whom you entrust to keep your best interest at mind, not cowards who are afraid of you.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
if it were my friend's man, i would tell her. hell, it made you feel uncomfortable. that's gotta stop right there. he might be a ultra flirt, and she knows that, and if she knew he crossed the line, she can handle it on her end. and a come on doesn't neccessariy mean he's boinking anyone. he's probably just a jerk. and how do you know you weren't being set up? he flirts. you reject. and your homegirl is waiting to see how loyal you are. what if he decides to confess this bit of info to her later on, and then she's pissed because you never stepped up and told her??? who knows. i don't know the dynamics of your friendship.
sugarbean sugarbean 9 years
forgive, don't forgive... eh, it depends on the friendship. (note: I am not a lawyer, and this is *not* legal advice) If you are really uncomfortable with the idea of broaching the subject at this time and text messages are involved (as they often are these days) and you don't tell her and she does marry him... (wow, that was amazing grammar!) write down on a piece of paper the date/time of the text message exchange (assuming you were above board) and stick it in a file you'll have forever or a book you'll never throw away. In the unfortunate event that this was NOT a random fluke kind of occurrence on his part and the two of you remain friends (not necessarily unfortunate) and at some time in the future she finds herself filing for divorce because of his infidelities (this, however, would be unfortunate)... you may be able to offer her the time/date of his previous attempts at infidelity (even though, technically, it was outside the marriage) and her attorney may be able to use them to bolster her case against him. Admissibility into court may be dubious, but, nonetheless, it could provide some leverage in an out of court settlement issue b/c it could, on some level, begin to establish a pattern of behavior. Of course, she may not be too happy for you not telling her about it when it happened, but... at least she could (possibly) get something out of it? Wow. I really need to get rid of cable. My apologies. (again... I am *not* a lawyer, and this is *not* legal advice.)
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Forgive. You thought that she wouldn't believe you, or somehow, would blame you for her fiance's behavior. You thought your disclosure would be unwelcomed. It's your friend so I trust your judgement. You know her better that I do, as I never met her. Not every woman would welcome news about her man's cheating ways. Sadly, some women would rather look the other way, or would "shoot the messenger." Sure, that man may be exposing her to some STI's, but bottom line, is that YOUR responsibility? No, ultimately (and some people may jump down my throat over this), it's HER'S. It's HER body. She needs to make sure that there is little to no risk of her catching STI's (getting herself and her man checked regularly, using barrier birth control, etc.). Again, bottom line, her avoiding STI's and protecting her body is HER responsibility, not yours.
Meike Meike 9 years
Not forgive, if you don't speak up. You should tell her despite what it might do to your friendship at the current moment. Yes, she may shun you, avoid you, and tell you it's fault but, eventually, she'll find out what a cheating scum he has been. And, who will she run to for support? You , because you were the only one with enough courage to give her the full truth from the start.
petite42 petite42 9 years
Here's what I would do: tape record or videotape your next encounter with him. Then show it to her. Then it's not a "he-said vs she-said" sort of deal. What I would not do... is not tell her, and then when they get divorced because he's cheated on her, tell her "oh... that reminds me... back before you got married... "
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Not Forgive...if you don't tell. This is something you have to tell your friend if she's really your friend. Most likely she will believe him over you and it may ruin your friendship but at least you will have done the right thing and warned your friend from marrying a cheating jerk. If she doesn't listen to your warning and chooses to ignore this fact I'm sure when he cheats on her in the future she will wish she listened.
1cigarrette 1cigarrette 9 years
I chose not forgive... I think as women(& friends!) we MUST be honest to each other... My best friend had a long term relationship with this nice guy (for 4 years!) and one drunken night he decided to visit me and let me know that he NEEDED to have sex with ME... wtf... so I decided to tell her BUT made sure she understood that i didn't want to decide for her (she broke up with him)... things were NEVER the same between my friend and I but whatever... I couldn't have lived with myself if she married her and cheated on her.
vanillakokakola vanillakokakola 9 years
Forgive. I did the same thing. My friend's boyfriend hit on me for a few weeks (never directly came onto me though) but after ignoring him for a while, it wore off. I never told her, but a few months later, he ended up cheating on her with another one of our friends. I didn't tell her because I didn't want to stir up any unnecessary trouble, but looking back on it, I wish I did.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I voted not forgive but if you tell her before she makes the huge mistake of marrying him it can be forgive. I just think not telling her would be the worst decision you could ever make and down the road when she is crying to you about him sleeping with someone else...what will you say?
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
It happened to me once. My good friend's husband hit on me a few years back. I told on him. She was so embarrassed about it, I then found out from her that he has hit on her other 2 friends and she had kind of shrugged it off. If you have proof about him hitting on you, you'd probably not going to be one of 'the messenger who got shot.' But even if you don't, and you can break it to her gently, it's not too late yet. I happened to have proof of that happening so she can't think me for trying to lie to her (or cause drama). Anyway, my friend and her husband ended up trying to work things out (during when I decided to step back--and he ended up apologizing for hitting on me), but unfortunately a couple years later, she couldn't take it anymore and filed for a divorce (turned out that although he was 'working' at the relationship, he's also 'working' at another woman). It really depends also how close you are to her, and just be aware of all the possibilities that can happen after you tell her. It's possible that she will be angry at you (for being the messenger), or not trust you, or she'll trust you and it's not just a one-time incident (he's done it before). Proceed with caution.
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm forgive but i would have told her. i understand why you did not.
Shopaholichunny Shopaholichunny 9 years
Sticky situation. Just do what you think is best. But, I think it depends on how close you are with her. Good Luck!
iRose iRose 9 years
Forgive. If it was my best friend I would tell her, because she knows I wouldn't lie to her about stuff like that. However, if it was one of my other female friends I'm not sure if I would tell them because they may blame it all on me. But you did say that she would either blame it all on you or not believe you, so really I wouldn't tell her. She doesn't seem to be the sort of person who is open to the truth. Only to what she wants to hear.
puddlesworth puddlesworth 9 years
she deserves to know
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I put forgive. That sucks though! If you think she seriously cares about him, I think it's more of a reason to tell her. I can understand if you don't want to though. Hopefully your relationship is strong enough and she won't dump it on you like a lot of women tend to do.
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