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True Friends are Hard to Find

Dear Sugar
I live in a small community outside of New York where it is very conservative, quite like Wisteria Lane on Desperate Housewives. My husband got transferred to the New York office of his company and we decided to raise our kids in outside of the city. All of the women in my neighborhood are married with children, and the only excitement is the rumor mill which drives these women to gossip.

Being the new-comer on the street has made it difficult to makes friends. While the parents of my children's friends have been welcoming, I get a strange vibe from them; they are very sarcastic, extremely closed minded, and I and feel like they constantly talk about me behind my back.

I am not a confrontational person and so I don't really want to ask them about why I feel so strange around them, but I feel like I almost have to be friends with these catty women to fit into my new community. Do you have any advise for me? Talked About Allie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Talked About Allie
Women can be quite catty, but if you feel they are not being genuine, keep your distance until they earn your trust and friendship. Moving to a new city and making new friends can be extremely difficult, but with time, it is possible. Sometimes the high school mentality is hard to break and it sounds like these women don't have enough stimulation in their daily lives so they revert back to their childish ways.

Feeling like you have to be friends with a certain group can he disheartening, but there is bound to be many other potential pals out there for you to meet. A good way to make other friends is to get involved in your community and your kids school. Do you have any friends of friends that live near by? Does your husband have any co-workers with wives or girlfriends that you can socialize with?

Just because you are out of your comfort zone does not mean you have to loose yourself in order to be friends with the popular crowd. Give it some time and I am sure you will find your niche. Lean on your husband for support and remember a good friend is only a phone call or plane right away. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
bonita216 bonita216 10 years
i had this group of friends & the only reason i started being friends with them was because of she was one my friends ex's. i actually just wanted to know what she would say about him or who she's having sex with. so it got really uncomfortable right away, because they acted so dumb & bitchy. btw she would say the most horrible things about him. i'm not like that. we started drinking & an occasional blunt. SHH. it got boring, i love to have real fun. so i dumped them. recently i've found out that they knew their friends boyfriend was cheating & wouldn't tell her until she found out from this random girl pissing in the girls room. who wants friends like that?
Livience Livience 10 years
Hi, Allie, I'm sorry you're having difficulty making friends in your new community. I would recommend a "kill them with kindness" approach. Just be warm and friendly to them (not over-the-top, though; be genuine. Catty women can smell another cat a mile away). I'd also recommend getting to know them one-on-one instead of in a group. Some people are concerned with their image in front of their friends, but, one-on-one, they let their guard down and turn out to be really nice. I don't know about them, but I don't show my sarcastic side until I know a person can handle it. Maybe you should take it as a compliment that they feel comfortable enough to be sarcastic around you. But that depends on whether it's jokey sarcasm or harsh sarcasm. Harsh sarcasm is not cool. And I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. Unless you know for certain that they're talking about you behind your back, don't treat them as though they are. They'll pick up on that and it'll just add fuel to the fire. And don't forget: if all else fails, you've always got friends here at the Sugar family! :)
la_clique la_clique 10 years
Agreed, colorme. Glass houses and stones.... Hit the shift key next time, katie.
colormesticky colormesticky 10 years
Sorry, I'm just being obnoxious.
colormesticky colormesticky 10 years
Much like not using capital letters, katie. :ninja:
katie225 katie225 10 years
wow, dearsugar, you really need a better editor. it's "advice" not "advise" and "lose" not "loose." the "loose" one could be arguable, but i don't think you were going for that meaning! not saying i'm perfect, far from it, but these little mistakes are ones that high school girls make.
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
I'd say just keep it casual at first: say hello when you see them, try to make some small talk but don't give out a vibe that you need them to be friends with you. Joining some club or group is also a very good idea IMO! I'm sure that in time they'll get used to you and vice versa. There will definitely be at least one nice person in your neighbourhood!
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
It is difficult to start over in a new neighborhood. I think more than judgemental they are intrigued by you but if you're friendly and smile politely they'll realize they can befriend you. But its going to take some time.
superjules superjules 10 years
Moving is hard, I know I'm an Air Force wife. Every 3 years a new state/country. I've had good luck and bad luck with finding new friends. At our last base it took me almost a year to meet friends but when I did we spent the next two years making up for lost time. Maybe you should look on the next street over for friends? I joined a knitting group, I'd always wanted to learn and I made lots of friends. It might take some time, but it will happen.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with grl in the world: Be casually friendly with them. It's very hard to make friends in a new community and it takes time. And very often, the people you start off being friendly with aren't the ones where the friendship really sticks. So I would say be neighborly and just continue to live your life. Things will work out.
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 10 years
Good Luck! I am sorry moving and feeling lonely can be so hard. i would say give it time and see if you start to feel more comfortable around people if not join some groups try to meet people with interests similar to yours. TINA!
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Allie, I don't really have too much advise, other than try to find the other people in the community who have not been long-term residents. They might be lonely and looking for a friend as well. When I was young my family moved to a "closed community" and although we lived there for 12 years we were never accepted and eventually moved back to our old town and good friends. I hope that is not your experience, but just know that some of us know what you are going through. And know that it's not you, these people have lived there for their whole lives, their families are intermarried and they are distrustful of "outsiders". Just be friendly and casual with them and maybe they will see that you are not a threat.
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
Maybe it's just me but it kind of sounds like you're judging them all the while complaining that they may be judging you. Be friendly, don't be catty if it's not in your nature and try to accept people for who they are. Do you have any interests that you could build friendships on? Scrapbooking groups are everywhere, cooking groups, book groups, etc...
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