hi fellow teens pic.twitter.com/BB4RKQQ52N [1]
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 9, 2017 [2]
A young woman, Priya, was browsing some OkCupid profiles when she came across a potential suitor. His profile spoke about his love of travel and the many places he's visited throughout his lifetime. So far, so good — right?
As for his picture, Priya said it didn't really reveal too much about his looks. "He had one of those OkCupid pictures of like, the side of his face looking toward a mountain," she said, adding, "You know those ones." In a series of tweets that have since gone viral, Priya explained how her mysterious suitor [3] ended up being, well . . . let's just say he wasn't as age-appropriate as she would have liked.
Read her entire saga, below.
omg did i ever tweet about the time i went on a date with a 97 year old. its my favourite old man story
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [4]
i didn't KNOW he was OLD. he had one of those okcupid pictures of like, the side of his face looking toward a mountain. you know those ones
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [5]
impossible to tell anything from those pictures except that the person possesses part of a face. not to be faceist but i need a whole face
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [6]
Despite the initial warning sings, Priya decided to give the man a chance.
but his profile was interesting. he had written dozens of paragraphs about all the places he'd been too. but not in a braggy way ya know
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [7]
so i was like "okay cool this guy seems interesting let's meet"
he suggested dinner
at SIX PM— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [8]
i replied "i don't eat dinner that early. i'm brown"
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [9]
Yet another red flag: his profile did not list an age. Since his profile was scarce in other areas, however, Priya excused that little omission.
(at this point you may be wondering what he had listed his age as.
he hadn't
I KNOW
but there were a lot of blank spaces in his profile)— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [10]
Priya presented a solution: a harmless coffee date.
i say "let's just get coffee instead?"
he says okay
so i go to the cafe around six
it's snowing like a motherfucker outside— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [11]
i walk in and spend ten minutes unwinding my scarf/taking off the 45 layers of outside clothes you need in Boston in January
i look around— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [12]
nobody! NOT A SOUL. just a pile of coats on a chair
i'm like 'okay cool this dude isn't punctual. that's something we have in common"— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [13]
Oh, but her mystery wasn't late — he was already there.
i get a coffee and wait
5 minutes pass
10 minutes
then, TO MY EVERLASTING HORROR-THE PILE OF COATS MOVES— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [14]
...reveals its face, and says in a voice like dry leaves rubbing together "hello are you priya?"
guys
GUYS.
guys— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [15]
we are not talking old like your dad. we are not talking old like George Clooney. we are not talking old like "doesn't get memes" old
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [16]
WE ARE TALKING OLD LIKE THEY'RE SO OLD THEY STARTED SHRINKING BACK INTO THEMSELVES OLD. LIKE THEY'RE GETTING SMALLER AGAIN. LIKE A JELLYFISH
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [17]
IT IS HARD TO PLACE AN AGE ON HIM BUT MY CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE WOULD BE, 79
*remembers Donald Trump is 70*
NO, 89— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [18]
So now, Priya realized she was about to sit down for a date with an octogenarian.
he gestured for the attendant
turns out he wasn't drinking coffee
he was drinking chamomile tea
which, of course he was— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [19]
"coffee keeps me up at night" OKAY MAN
anyway, he starts talking about travelling
i wanted to ask him what Vietnam was like in 1950— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [20]
eventually i relax. i felt like you would if you were talking to your granddad by the fire
i ask him about his OKC profile— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [21]
i figured he was too old to understand that okcupid wasn't SOCIAL MEDIA it was a dating site. like to meet people for SEX
old ppl-mistake— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [22]
NBD right? anyway it's now 7 o clock and dude is like "i had better get going"
i was all solicitous like "of course! be careful out there"— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [23]
As the date wrapped up, things took a turn.
THEN
he lays a wizened hand on my arm
we both look at it
it feels really small and cold and dry
like a twig
or AN OLD MAN'S HAND ON MY ARM— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [24]
he says "i live two blocks down and i dont really use my dick a lot but the women have told me they prefer my mouth"
💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [25]
YEP.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT. I BLACKED OUT. SOMETIMES THE HUMAN BODY DOES THAT, TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM TRAUMA
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [26]
i mean i know i did SOMEthing - laughed in a high pitch? excused myself? PAID FOR THE TEA, EVEN?- but we will never know what it was
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [27]
Some words came out of my mouth.I departed the coffee shop.
On the corner, a dog howled piteously. That made sense to me— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [28]
I went home, took a bath, and deleted my Okcupid account -FIN
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017 [29]
