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Unsupportive Family

"My Family Is Being Unsupportive"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm tired of my family looking down on me. No one thinks I can accomplish anything. I'm the youngest of three and so far none of us have gone to college. My sister and I took a few classes at our community college. My brother just got out of the army so so far he's the most accomplished. I had thought about joining the military a year ago, I started working out but everyone told me I'd never make it. Eventually I changed my mind, the military really isn't for me, that just reaffirmed everyone's opinions.

I think my parents are disappointed in me because I'm really smart, I just never tried in school. I talked about going to university, but when it came down to it my craziness prevented me from going. When I say crazy I don't mean psychotic or schizophrenic or anything, I'm just socially awkward and dependent and let's just say I have some issues. My parents never went to college so I don't get where their expectations come from. Whenever I tell my family about my ideas they scoff and say like that'll happen. I'm tired of being shot down. I feel like everyone looks down on me.


When my boyfriend and I started dating I wasn't working so I feel like he thinks I'm a loser, or at least that he's better than me. I know he doesn't really, but I've become paranoid and now I have terrible self-esteem. I'm about to start school at my community college and go full-time (I'm doing radiological technology) but everyone thinks I'll quit or not go. I hate it.

My boyfriend and I were supposed to move in together, but then he had to wipe out his savings to fix his car so we had to start over again. My sister keeps saying I'll never move out, I need my mommy. I hate that I have no support system, I hate their judgment. And it's not like they're doing anything, my mom and sister are stay at home wives. My brother is the only one doing something (he's about to enter the police academy). No one ever believed in me, I just want to hear someone say I believe in you, you can do it. I want to prove everyone wrong, become wealthy and rub it in their face (immature, yes).

I guess I came here to rant, I don't know. Has anyone dealt with negative family members? How'd you handle it? I feel like we all have emotional problems, they have low self-esteem and take it out on me. We fight a lot. Or maybe I am a disappointment (I know my dad didn't want me, my aunt told my mom to abort me, and I was never the favorite child). I don't know I just feel like no one's looking out for me and they think I'll never do anything. Thanks for listening.

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pbear89 pbear89 5 years
I can definitely understand how much that hurts to feel you have no support. I come from a very similar situation. In fact due to certain family circumstances I was raised by a Grandmother who constantly reminded me I was doomed for failure no matter what I accomplished and I did well through highschool, was well-behaved, and am 1 yr away from an Ed degree, and the only one in my family to even attempt post-secondary and still that's not good enough. It is unhealthy for family to treat someone that way and eventually you have to take a step back and realize that just because they are family doesn't always make them the best people. You have to let their opinions go, because in all reality it really doesn't matter... If you feel good about you that's what counts. To some extent though it does sound like you feel you have not completed something. Perhaps it is time to do something to completion...finish community college... but do it for you, not for them. Trust me, based on experience, the need to prove others wrong is not proper motivation... you end up feeling spiteful, if for some reason it doesn't work out your even harder on yourself, because you feel your perpetuating their disbelief, and even if you succeed it may still not be good enough. Take a step back, evaluate what's going to make YOU happy, and maybe distance yourself from their unsupportive attitudes.
matoad matoad 5 years
Harsh as it sounds, at some point you don't need your family to believe in you in order to accomplish things. Sure, it would be really nice and all that, but you're an adult, and the reason to do something should be because it's the right thing for you to do. As a kid, your parents should (ideally) cheer you on. Now, if your family isn't very supportive that's a shame for them, but it's something you'll just have to face and accept as the current state of affairs. Maybe your family will change their minds at some point, maybe they won't, but in either case, it's definitely not a valid reason to mess up the things you want to achieve now.
missbowie missbowie 5 years
Being less than motivated during high school is no reason for your family to be less than supportive of your aspirations, most people didn't try as hard as they could have. The same goes for your decision not to join the military, if everyone who thought of joining did there would be a much larger army. Persevere through community college and make your own support system of friends, and prove your family wrong. As for your sister saying that you need mommy, she's probably just jealous because she is mommy now and resents the opportunities you have as a young person with a partner, but no children to tie you to one place yet.
lexgal916 lexgal916 5 years
well it sounds like you HAVEN'T stuck with anything. I can see they're no better than you, but maybe they just don't like that you saaay you're going to do things and never do. It's like you're trying to prove you're better than them, but you end up being just like them. Until you prove that you will actually stick with something and finish it, the I have no reason to see why they would believe you. You're like the boy who cried wolf.
lexgal916 lexgal916 5 years
well it sounds like you HAVEN'T stuck with anything. I can see their no better than you, but maybe they just like that you saaay you're going to do things and never do. It's like you're trying to prove you're better than them, but you end up being just like them. Until you prove that you will actually stick with something and finish it, the I have no reason to see why they would believe you. You're like the boy who cried wolf.
passion8 passion8 5 years
i suffer from a extremly unsupportive family as well. i took my cell phone and i used the voice recorder to record affirmations that i can play back when i hear those negative people in my thoughts telling me or i am telling myself i am a looser or i will never amount to anything. it has helped me be able to catch myself and then repeat afirmations with out the phones voice recorder. i would deffinantly seek out co dependancy anonomous the group and the members will help you over come the hurt from this type of family and understand your self better so you can make your own changes that fit your personality and lifestyle not your moms or sisters life but yours :) i find comfort in reading books fiction or non fiction about stories similar to mine so i can get different points of view so i can make educated decisions
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I believe in you. You can change what you want to change in yourself. Henna is right, you need to stop the negativity in your mind, in your judgement for yourself. You can't control what others think/feel, but you can control your own action. I agree also that it's not easy, it's hard as hell, hon. I've grown up with a mom who would basically batter me emotionally (well, I was told to be ugly, stupid and will always be a failure in life). So I know how you feel when you say no one believes in you. You have to be the one to believe in yourself. You'll do just fine. You need to forgive yourself too if you do have a slip once in awhile, 'tis life, it does throw us curves, but you get through it. Really. Truly. Good luck, and congrats on continuing with your study!
henna-red henna-red 5 years
i BELIEVE IN YOU, YOU CAN DO IT! Now repeat after me: I BELIEVE IN MYSELF, I CAN DO IT! I AM GOING TO SCHOOL, I AM GOING TO LEARN A GREAT SKILL AND GET A GREAT JOB. I AM NOT GOING TO LET OTHER PEOPLE PUT ME DOWN. I AM NOT GOING TO LET OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINION MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF. I AM SMART, AND CAPABLE, AND I CAN DO THE THINGS I WANT TO DO. I AM NOT GOING TO LET OTHER PEOPLE DECIDE WHAT MY LIFE WILL BE. I WILL NOT JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE'S CHOICES AND I WILL IGNORE OTHER PEOPLE'S JUDGEMENTS OF MY CHOICES. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF, I CAN DO EVERYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF, I WILL NOT LISTEN WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I CAN'T DO IT, I CAN. IF I MAKE A MISTAKE, OR FALL DOWN, I WILL GET BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN, AND AGAIN, BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN MYSELF. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF, I CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE IN YOU, YOU CAN DO IT! Negativity has to stop in you, in your mind, in your speach, in your judgements of yourself and those around you. You cannot control what other people say or think. You can change how you think, how you listen, you act and react. It's not easy. It takes committment, and it takes you working to get back on the horse every time you fall off. It takes courage, and strength, and a real awareness of how you think, how you speak, how you behave and working to change it in yourself, one thought at a time. One word at a time. One day at a time. Good luck to you, you can do this! I believe in you! henna
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