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We Disagree About Marriage and Kids

"We Disagree About Marriage and Kids: Should I End It?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Just a bit of background — I am 24 and have been dating my boyfriend for about nine months now. I have no issues with our relationship in itself. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met, we get along great, always look forward to seeing one another, and even when we argue, it gets settled in a mature manner and we move on.

What I have been struggling with however, is the fact that right when we started dating he made it very clear that he had zero plans of ever getting married and having children. With the relationship being so new I sort of brushed it off thinking it was too early to talk about those things and we would address them when the time came. Now we're at a point where we are talking about moving in together and we have no doubts about a future together and that we would be very happy.


Being a fairly typical girl, of course I've grown up wanting to get married and have babies and live that life, but I respect his opinions entirely and would never force him to do something I know he does not want. When I really think about it I'm not sure I want to get married and have kids either, but I'm battling with the fact that it won't be a possibility, at all, ever.

I guess I'm just wondering if I will resent the fact that we aren't married and don't have children later on. Should I end things now before they get much more serious, if I'm having these thoughts?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Time is so critical and the pool of great dads gets snapped up pretty quickly. Don't spend time in a relationship that is not headed where you want to go. No matter how much you love him. He said that on the first date, he's got a lot of character to say that upfront, because it will chase a lot of great women away. He means it. Changing someone's mind and heart is an ugly business to be in, rarely ends well.
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 5 years
Well, you knew this going in, so it all relies on you deciding what you want. I think you were sort of hoping he might change his mind, which could happen but the chances are slim. I personally never put much stock into being married or having children because it's not something that called to me. If you're starting to think about these things, I'm pretty sure it's because you're starting to like the idea. The best thing to do would be see if he would be willing to consider it, perhaps after a period of living together? Children, should you decide that you want them, are going to be tougher than the marriage issue, that is a bond between you that will last far longer than the typical 18 year warnings you hear... every graduation, every wedding, every major event you will have to be prepared to share with him if you should have children. I think it would be best to determine what you want. Do not alter what you'd like in order to better suit him or you will regret missing out on what you wanted to do with your life. It's very easy to find yourself compromising one thing or another to save the relationship, but don't deny yourself the things you truly want out of life. Approach him about it, don't demand anything, just ask if maybe 5 or 10 years down the road it could be a possibility. I wouldn't be so quick to move on just because he refuses to marry, I'd see if he would be open to the idea eventually or if a compromise can be reached.
allyjan allyjan 5 years
You need to really sit down and think about it. The fact that you are now a lot closer to him and after 9months probably love him this could be causing you to question what you wanted, you need to think hard and see if it is you that actually isn't too sure if you want marriage or kids right now or if it is love clouding your judgement. If you realize it isn't and you actually don't want these things yourself then stay, but If you do want them you need to talk to him see if there is anyway he would consider changing his views if he does then its fine if not you need to get out of there you can't live a happy life who doesn't want the same future as you.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
I think it's time to sit down and have a very frank converstion with your boyfriend. You brushed off his remarks before, and now they are a possible deal breaker. People do change their minds, but, usually, people who know they don't want to have kids are clear about why. You're 24, how old is he? He's not interested in marriage, but he is willing to move in together, which is a commitment. Time to talk. Let him know where you are and what you're feeling and what your worried about. Let him know exactly how you feel about, he's the most wonderful man you've met, and you don't want to lose him're facing a dilemma. Leaving him without presenting your dilemma to him wouldn't be fair to either of you. Talk about it with him before you make a decision. that's what you do with a parner, within a committed relationship, no matter what label you give it. His repsonse could give you the info you really need to have to make this choice. Share with him exactly what you've shared with us. best of luck to you, I hope you find your answer
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
The good thing here is that you have no illusions that he will change his mind. Chances are, he won't. So now you are stuck with a difficult decision. I would only stay if you are 100% sure that you do not want to get married or have children. If there is any doubt in your mind, you should leave now. You don't want to end up resenting him or waking up when you're in you're 40's and feel devastated because you denied yourself a husband and children. I personally don't think the marriage issue is huge in and of itself, because I believe that 2 people can live a perfectly happy life without a ring and a piece of paper. The child issue is the tougher to deal with, in my opinion. You are only given a certain amount of time to be able to have children, and once that door closes, there are no second chances. My advice would be to think long and hard about both issues and decide if you can live without a ring and without children. You must do what's right for you and give yourself a chance to meet a man who can give you those things if you truly want them. Good luck.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
I went through the same struggle with my husband some years back. He has a son with a previous gf and she really ran him through the legal wringer. His child support is triple what any of the people we've met or talked to about this have to pay. We had one friend who payed child support for 3 kids that was about the same amount that my hubby pays for 1 child. but anyways, I bring that up because the whole clusterf**k he went through completely killed any desire he ever had to have kids. He was ok with getting married, but it was primarily for tax/medical benefits and because our families were all freaking out about us "living in sin". We kind of preferred not having the legal tether to bind us and choosing each other each and every day. We felt like having a legal obligation made it less of a gift of love and commitment and more of a rote "I signed the paper, I have to do this". kids, however, were something that I had always wanted. I am a very nurturing person and have done a *lot* of childcare growing up and even into college. I was a nanny for a little girl from 6 weeks to 4 years old, she was my baby and I loved it. As I got older, I started getting very interested and invested in activism and politics, so it became an issue of "when would I even find time to raise a kid?" I couldn't imagine having to give up the work I was doing for local and federal legislation, helping people that are already here vs making new people. So, I vacillated from being very fulfilled and happy with my work and social life/adopted family, to desperately wanting to get pregnant (usually coinciding with the hormones of my period). But by the time I hit 27, I was really sure that kids wouldn't and shouldn't be part of my future plans. I had other responsibilities that were much more near and dear to my heart that I couldn't give up for the responsibility of kids. You've really gotta soul search and decide if kids are a life goal for you. It is possible that he could change his mind later on in life, but don't count on it. never ever assume people are going to change, especially on deeply held views. If you decide that no kids is going to be a deal breaker, let him know that you need that to at least be a possibility - something that is on the table for discussion - in order to continue on with the relationship. Do it before you guys move in together and financials become an issue, it's better for ya emotionally and financially.
larry607 larry607 5 years
Move on
chibros chibros 5 years
That's act of being matured and honest. Well, he told you right from the beginning. You got the thinking perfectly right that is "Should i end things now before they get much more serious". If you think you don't want to get married nor have children (which won't be a possibility at all), then move in and continue life. If not, you know what you believe in and want, why changing your dream for another man's dreams?. You guys should also handle this issue in a matured manner, discuss with him the differences in what you guys want and how important they're respectively (without any trying to convince other). If you guys conclude of going apart, being friend or open relationship, fine. If any thought of remaking decision fine. If not, the best thing is to find a partner with similar wants.
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