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What Do I Do If I Have a Crush on My Boyfriend's Brother?

"What Do I Do If I Have a Crush on My Boyfriend's Brother?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating my boyfriend for four years now and he's my first boyfriend. Overall, he's pretty amazing. I got seriously injured in a car accident and it took me a long time to fully recover. During that time, I wasn't able to work much and my boyfriend helped me to make payments on school loans and things like that. He pays attention to me, he's romantic — the only thing that occasionally gets on my nerves is that he can be stubborn. I guess we just think differently: I try to look at all angles of an argument and he just tends to think that his way is right. Still, everyone has their flaws.

My boyfriend has a brother who is two years older. They're similar in lots of ways, only his brother is more introspective, I guess, like me. I've always liked that about him and I've always thought he was very intelligent and kind. Recently, though, I was talking to my boyfriend's brother and I caught myself feeling kind of crush-like. I was thinking that he was cute and wishing that my boyfriend were a bit more like him.


Now I feel like a terrible person and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. I think it all started when my boyfriend's aunt was teasing all her nephews about getting married. My boyfriend's brother said, "Well, things have to be right" — as in, stable career situation, etc. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was sort of combative about it. Later on, when we were alone, he seemed very angry about the whole thing. He said that he should have told everyone how romantic getting married was — that I have about $100,000 in school loans see how "romantic" they thought that was. It made me feel embarrassed and really bad about my financial situation. My boyfriend then went on a bit of a rant about how people try to "push life milestones at you" like marriage and kids, and he thinks it's ridiculous and rude and none of their business. I don't really disagree with what he said, but I guess I was just a little shocked at how upset he seemed about it. Eventually, I found myself thinking how nice it would be if he were more like his brother and a little less stubborn and starkly realist. And then I felt awful again.

I don't know what's going on. At the end of our vacation together, we all got drunk and my boyfriend's brother and I stayed up talking about random stuff for a long long time. He told me that my jeans were pretty after I told him that I liked his jacket and I felt like I was having fun. I didn't want to go to bed and have to say goodbye in the morning.

Am I just realizing that my boyfriend's brother and I are good friends? Or does my reaction sound really inappropriate? I've been thinking that I maybe have been projecting my annoyance with my boyfriend, but right now I'm too close to the situation to see what's what.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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LittleSuri LittleSuri 4 years
You will start to feel dissatisfaction with your relationship if you compare it to don't do it.  If you feel the thoughts cropping up, push it down, remember the things to be grateful for when it comes to your relationship and your boyfriend.     If you have the 'tingles' for your boyfriend's brother, don't put yourself in any situations where you have deep, intimate conversations with him.  This goes for any crush you have.  Remember you are in a relationship with an awesome, wonderful man already.  What you like in his brother may be something that he has developed over time and's maturity.  Your boyfriend is still maturing...we are all still maturing and will for the rest of our lives.  What is really cool is that you get to see and experience his maturation first hand :)  Enjoy this journey.  Those wiser, mature men that we admire all experienced immaturity in his life.     My man is stubborn too.  We both are...and we both know it too--which is why we are perfect for each other.  There are 2 parts to every trait--he is stubborn, but he is also very loyal and true to his beliefs and values.  I love that about him.  One trick I do to handle his stubbornness is to give him at least a day to think it out.  Yes, sometimes he can get hot-headed or something his mom taught me was to just give him a day to process it.  And it is so much better for us when we both have had some time to think things out.
JennyJK JennyJK 5 years
It's totally normal to have a crush on your bf's brother.  Totally.  It's someone just like your boyfriend except without all the stresses because you're not in a relationship with him.  Of course it's easy to see the good side, but he also will have tough sides in a relationship.  Don't feel bad about it, but realize the reason it's so tempting :)
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Whatever you do, don't sleep with him.  No matter how much you want to.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
You were brave to put it out here, we're a pretty hardline group sometimes. I'm glad you did, you're seeking perspective while it's all in your head, not actions you're trying to cover or regret. So respect for you from this corner. And going for a medical degree -- right on! None of us can control what we feel. You're not a bad person for crushing on the brother. It makes a lot of sense. It's acting on the crush and doing something that would put you in solid skank territory and probably give you something to hate yourself for for the rest of your life. I've been there, crushing on a brother more than once. They're the same in great ways, and they're different in exotic ways. I'm happy to say that while I have done truly stupid things, acting on those feelings wasn't one of them. Can't think of a more dramatic and traumatic thing to do to someone than go for their sibling. Even more than a best friend. Stay strong and completely away from alone situations with the brother. If you even see you're in danger of being left alone, scatter! Can you imagine if he rejected you, or worse if he didn't? You'd both think the other skanks for good reason. Clearly your boyfriend is not *looking forward* to getting married to you, and I'd take his debt comments as seriously as if you told him about the brother crush (*and do not bring it up ever, even in sex play*). If you're going after a medical degree, well duh, he's known this for years -- it didn't just come up. You two need to talk openly about how you feel about each other and that might be the conversation to start with -- your debts and career. You both have doubts, you're both fishing around for excuses to put distance between you. Time to talk before one of you does something hurtful to create a passive-aggressive crisis.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
it sounds to me as though you're looking for a reason to break up with your boyfriend. And you're finding one. Not a good one. But a reason that will create huge drama and trauma in your life and in the life of your boyfriend and his brother. Sounds like a case of "the grass is always greener...." I think you really need to look at your relationship and decide what it is you want, what it is you're not getting, and if this relationship is worth working on/fighting for.
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