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When Should You Meet Your Boyfriend's Parents

Group Therapy: Did I Screw Up?

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating this guy for a little over month. No BF/GF talk, we are just happily dating.

We spent Friday night together, met up with some of my friends and even a couple of his came out. The next morning I made us breakfast and we made plans but he wanted to go home first to get some things. When he got home he called and said he forgot it was his bro's bday and his Mom wanted the family to go to dinner and he asked if I wanted to come.

I thought about it but said no. I said that I did want to meet his family some other time, but it was his brother's birthday and I didn't want to steal any spotlight from him. Honestly I really didn't think it was the right time for me to meet his whole family. I didn't want his brother's birthday dinner to turn into a "meet his older brother's new girl" dinner.

He said OK and muttered something about how he felt bad for ditching on our plans. I said it was fine and he could just come over after. Which he did for a bit before going out to meet up with friends (they were badgering him to come out since he NEVER has Saturdays off...so I told him to go).

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Did I royally **** up by not going to dinner with his family? Do you think he'll ever ask me again? I feel like kicking myself now, like I missed an opportunity and he is pushing me away now.

I texted him yesterday asking him if he had fun and he responded hours later that he did. I asked him how work was going and he never responded. It's been over 24 hours....which is rare....am I being blown off?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Source: Flickr User P.J.P

dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Its totally understandable you weren't ready. You only dated a month for Pete sake. Hopefully he'll understand becuase it sounds like maybe he was a little hurt. Hopefully you guys can talk it over. I had the same thing happen to me. I didn't even have my now husband- then fiance even meet my parents until we dated over a year and then got engaged. I have no desire to have any of my family involved in my personal life or decisions but he forced me to meet his mom after two months. Whew, I didn't like that but I did it for him.
kj1210 kj1210 7 years
Hey MFF, I read the article and read through the comments. To a certain extent I agree with Joe but I also am not one to jump on the phone and go nuts. I also dislike when people do it to me. I totally feel you on not wanting to go to the dinner. Meeting someones parents is a big deal for me and a lot of people. Maybe it's not for him but I'm sure he would understand if it is to somebody else. I don't think you screwed anything up and I HIGHLY doubt that he thinks that also. I'm not sure if I would have sent that second text saying you hope things are cool and hope you didn't f*ck anything up. He's probably just busy like someone above mentioned and wasn't able to give you a full out response. I would just lay back now and wait until you too can meet up for some coffee or dinner. Then tell him how you feel. Tell him you really enjoy spending time with him and hanging out and you not attending dinner wasn't a sign on how you felt. You just simply didn't want to invade anyones space. Express how meeting someones family has always been a decently big deal to you and so that played a large role. I think it's something that you two will easily overcome once you explain to each other what your actions really meant. Hopefully my opinion helps and I'll keep track of this thread to see if you add any updates and maybe I can help you further. Or you can always get at me at http://www.leftos.com/thetitans Goodluck!!
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
^^ exactly how I think I've always come off to guys I'm with....since I hide my insecurities inside!! Wow.....I knew I wasn't crazy, I just kept things bottled up and eventually exploded. It totally makes sense. Thanks for your response! :) You all have given me a lot to think about!
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 7 years
You should tell him. You need to express your feelings in a healthy way. If you keep it all inside, it will leak out little by little or you will burst. It's also how you say it; some people show their feelings or insecurities in a crazy way which makes them look crazy.
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
you don't think that by me telling him I get a little insecure when he gets out of touch for a while will scare him away? I've always been taught to hide that part of me so that I don't scare someone.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
MFF, Then you need to eventually sit down with him and have a full-blown discussion about your insecurities, and how he can help you feel less insecure. I think your feeling nervous is another important part of all this. Here, too, you need to eventually tell him about how you sometimes feel nervous and how he can help you feel less nervous and more reassured by him. What I am suggestring, then, is that you should not attempt a talk about "us" until both of you have had a thorough talk about ALL of each other's personality weaknesses. Once the two of you have had these two discussions, you will have a much better idea as to where this relationship is headed. Do not talk about "us" until you have talked about "me" and "you."
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
No, we haven't ever had a problem with it thus far. But good to nip it in the bud now. I sometimes wonder how he feels about me but we've never argued or gotten in a fight. I'm pretty sure he's clueless to my insecurities about him not getting back to me sometimes. I tend to hide those feelings of insecurity and vent to friends or the internet! haha....sometimes I just need someone to tell me I'm being stupid or overreacting. My biggest insecurity is the not knowing bit. I am the one who told him from the beginning that I don't fall into relationships quickly, but I am at the point now where I want to know if I should invest in this relationship with him and start thinking forward, or if I should also be dating other people (I don't want to though). I'm nervous, but I do need to bring it up next time we hang out.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
MFF, I want to give you an example. With my last girlfriend, I was a more sensitive person than she was, so there were things that bothered me that did not bother her. She would do things that offended me, but she felt that these things were not offensive, and that I was just being too sensitive. We were never able to work this out, and it eventually contributed a lot to us breaking up. Is this how things are between you and him? Ask him.
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
Oh ya, I think that is def. a possibility. I don't want to be, but when I'm uncertain about how someone feels about me, I get a little too sensitive about things. I will talk to him this week when we have dinner.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
MFF, Is it possible that you are a more sensitive person than he is? If so, the two of you definitely need to sit down and put together a game plan on this.
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
You could be right JoeTyndall.....I do think meeting a family is a big deal as I don't bring home many guys. Maybe it's not a big deal to him. I will def. bring this up on Thursday. I think we are at the point where I want to know where this is going. I thought I wanted him to bring that conversation up, but it looks like I may have to.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
MFF, It sounds like you thought meeting his family was a big deal, and he thought it wasn't a big deal. I think it is as simple as that. Or is it? Ask him about this when you see him.
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
Thanks all for your reply's. I sent him a text last night saying that I still felt bad about Saturday and hoped I didn't fuck things up. Then invited him to dinner at my place later this week. He responded saying yes to dinner and asked what I thought I fucked up......I guess it was silly of me to assume he'd change his mind about me b/c of this. I'm gonna back off a little and see where this goes. I think we just talked too often in the beginning, when it started slowing down I assumed he was losing interest, which most likely isn't the case.
GregS GregS 7 years
Sounds to me like you handled it perfectly. You just need to tell him why so he understands. If he's still whiny, re-evaluate. You really want that?
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
You did the right thing not going to the party. Don't second guess yourself. You've texted him already. I would back off and wait for him to contact you and play it cool. If he doesn't because he is upset about the party thing, that would just be too weird and high maintenance for me. I wouldn't grovel, that is the last thing I would do. Just be light, fun, and let it go. If he calls, I wouldn't even bring it up unless he does. Why create drama out of something so minor?
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 7 years
I agree with mixtape. It would be weird if he got upset because you didn't want to meet his family yet. I think it was fine that you didn't attend because you guys aren't bf/gf yet. I experienced something similar. I dated this guy who wanted me to meet his parents and we just started dating and I felt uncomfortable. He said that he brings everyone home and I told him I only bring people who I've dated for a little while and was special home (not my exact words, but a summary). And we got into a fight over it. Believe me, it's not because he really liked me and wanted to bring me home, it was because he wanted to show off to people what he caught. Basically, he might be like me ex who brings every gf/date home even if it is in the early stages. Some guys just don't care who they bring home to the parents and some really do want their parents to meet a special person.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
MFF, Send him a text message, tell him that there are bad feelings between the two of you, and that you would like to talk it over with him and work it out, either via email, on the phone, or in person, whatever works for him. I have lots of ideas on what to say when you finally talk to him, if you are interested.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
I think you were appropriate in not attending the brother's bday. Plus, it's a little daunting to meet family for the first time, especially all at once! I usually like a heads up about the big meeting and not just a oh hey come over and hang. You were mature in realizing it wasn't the BEST time to do this, but you should keep in mind that he must really like you in order for him to ask you! Don't continue to blow up his phone trying to contact him and make things better because I think you are looking into this too deeply. He is probably just busy. If he is still talking to you I wouldn't worry. It would be silly for him to suddenly change his mind over your decision to not meet them right then and there. Just play things cool, like nothing happened. When the time to meet families is right, it will happen.
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
I don't have his email. The only way of communication we have is through phone. Would a text be too lame?
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
MFF, Go ahead and send him an email explaining everything. I don't think it will hurt anything, and it may help to open up communication. He is trying to figure out why you are sending him mixed signals, and such an email will help him understand your mixed messages.
MyFlippyFlops MyFlippyFlops 7 years
Thanks for your response....and yes to all of the above. I figured since he still came over after that everything was alright, but now he's being MIA so I'm not sure what to think. I guess I'll just wait until he gets in touch and then tell him that I'm sorry.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
Apologize. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you really wanted to go and you really wanted to be with him, but you didn't want to upstage anyone. I also wonder if you are being too shy. There is no reason to worry about his brother's birthday dinner turning into a "meet his older brothers new girl" dinner. It is okay to worry if it is too early to meet his family, but I think this is a form of shyness that perhaps you need to work on. Are you the kind of person who does not like to be the cener of attention? Do you stress out easily? If so, tell him. When in doubt, communicate.
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