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When Your Boyfriend's Coworker Wants Him

"My Boyfriend's Coworker Wants Him"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I went out with my boyfriend and his coworker. I tried to talk to her, but was ignored the entire night and she took all of my boyfriend's attention. So I moved to the side and did my own thing, then later she texted him that she wanted to have sex with him and other explicit things. He responded with a thanks, but no thanks, don't want to ruin what they have. My question is about his coworker, who is older and more professional than me. Next time I go out with my boyfriend and his friends and she's the one there can I just give her the cold shoulder? I can't be like "girl back the f off my man" because they both work the same position and have to see each other every day. That, and I'm way too shy. Is there a way for me to tell my boyfriend 'I'm going to go do my own thing, have fun and if you want to join me don't bring her?"

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amvck amvck 5 years
I don't think that your boyfriend and this woman need to have a personal relationship at all. He can be polite to her at work and civil but they don't really need to be friends especially after her horrible behavior. Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries and make those crystal clear because she clearly doesn't respect the boundaries as they are right now. I also think that on the rare occasions that you three are together (office parties, etc) you should NOT make yourself smaller. Be confident and don't allow her to walk all over you and monopolize your boyfriend, you don't need to fight her and tell her to back off but you need to put her in her place and make it clear that you are not intimidated and her petty attempts at isolating you from conversation will not work.
GZO GZO 5 years
He responded with a thanks, but no thanks, don't want to ruin what they have.Yeah. That needed to be thanks but I am in a committed relationship, AS YOU HAVE JUST SEEN TONIGHT.    This woman sits through a dinner with you right next to her and she has the audacity to text your boyfriend immediately that she wants to f him? No. She clearly doesn't understand boundaries and you're not helping by wanting to just stay home or "doing your own thing" (what does that even mean when you're out to dinner??) and basically giving her what she wants (i.e. your boyfriend).   Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a bozo for not even attempting to include you in the dinner conversation and for responding to her texts the way he did. Just because they work together--especially if they're at equal levels in their career--does not mean that they have to go out together unless everyone at the office (or wherever) is going out together for happy hour or something like that. A large group setting. Beyond that, they don't need to be anything more than professional with each other. She's not a supervisor who can advance his career in any way so there's no reason for him to "butter her up", so to speak, by accepting her dinner invitations.   Ask him if he was as appalled by her behavior as you were and see what he says. You should be his number one priority when it comes to "females I should be hanging out with", not this chick.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
Well first, you definitely have to tell him how you feel about it.  Part of a good relationship is communication and if you're upset about this he needs to know.  But you don't want to tell him what to do.  If he respects you then he will surely do what he can to make you feel more comfortable, but I think you staying home is the worst idea.  You need to go, because he doesn't have any control over whether or not she is there.  Make your presence known, and don't be intimidated because she's older or whatever else.   Just one thing, and this may be a typo on your part.  " He responded with a thanks, but no thanks, don't want to ruin what they have."  Did he really tell her he didn't want to ruin their friendship?? This decision should have been about him and his relationship with you, not her.  So if he did respond that way it's a little concerning.  
sagagirl sagagirl 5 years
You know the saying, "keep your enemies close."  This applies here.  Next time you go out, please do not move to the side. Stay in the conversation.  By all means you should show her that this is your man and you are not going anywhere.  Men don't usually take this seriously and it kind of strokes their egos.  If you tell him to keep her away next time he may think you are exaggerating the severity of the situation, even though you are not. I think you are better off having her there, don't let her think you are fearful of losing him.  Go out with them, enjoy yourself, be playful with your man, and above all else, never let her see you sweat.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
sorry, "have him contact his superior...."
henna-red henna-red 5 years
You know, if he doesn't nip this firmly in the bud, he's looking at a potential sexual harrassement suit at work. I agree that you don't want to make trouble for him at work......however, she actually has the potential to cause him a great deal of trouble. I would wait and see what happens if you find yourselves in the same group of people. If it were me, and my boyfriend basically ditched me for a coworker who then propositioned him, I'd be rethinking the relationship. I do agree with dave about the quality of his reply. It does tell me that this woman could potential have some power over him at work, in a superior position, and that she may have the power to abuse that position. She obviously has some very serious boundary issues, and if his aren't rock solid he's looking at trouble on the job, which could very well affect your relationship. i would mention to him that you found his actions objectionable, and let him know why. Let him know how you felt about what he did. And then let him make his choice about how to change the situation himself. Don't confront her....let him take the lead....and if this happens again, excuse yourself, let him know you'll see him at home, or wherever, and split. You don't have to support his behavior, but you don't want to sabotage him in this difficult position either. If he speaks about continuing advances from this woman, then it's time to bring up the harrassment word, and have contact his superior at work, or go to human resources, if such exists where he works. good luck with your guy, good luck with rude woman, hope it comes around, but I'd keep an eye out for blood in the water.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
My issue is with your BF. "he responded with a thanks but no thanks don't want to ruin what they have." Where are you in that text? That's what a single person says and a person in a relationship. Don't put yourself down some of the dumbest people I've ever met have PHDs some of the smartest are HS drop outs. Keep in mind while a bunch of geniuses were working on the theory of flight it was a couple of guys that owned a bike shop that made it happen
BiWife BiWife 5 years
don't create issues for your bf at work, it sounds like he handled it well and professionally when she propositioned him. you should be civil around her in social situations, but you don't have to be friendly. I would ignore her existence unless she's directly speaking to you.
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