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Where Do You Stand: Divorce

While I always believe a struggling couple should give therapy and time a try before calling it quits on their marriage, I also know that some relationships are truly irreparable, and life is too short to be unhappy in love. Thus, while I will never consider a divorce an easy out, I think in some cases it’s most assuredly the right choice.

But every individual is different on this sensitive topic — some people I know wouldn’t consider divorce under any circumstances, while others consider it an important option when the going gets tough. Of course, in the end, it depends on your own upbringing and beliefs, but where do you stand when it comes to divorce?


Join The Conversation
puddlesworth puddlesworth 8 years
I'm against it 100 percent. You made a commitment for better or worse, till death do us part. Would you discard your other responsibilities and promises as soon as they become difficult?
superjules superjules 8 years
I feel really sorry for these young, naive people who say "divorce isn't an option" or "I would never get divorced". No one plans it. I wish I had ESP, it would have come in really handy when I was younger. People change, feelings change. Marriages have serious ups and downs and you have to roll with them. When things are down you're going to want to throw in the towel, you're going to wonder what it was you loved so much about your spouse. It may take months to remember, it may take a year. Eventually things will climb back up again and you have to really cling to those good times. Take pictures! You'll need them later. I hope this doesn't make it sound like it's all bad, it's not. I was divorced once and now married for 12 years.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
I wish my fiance's parents had gotten divorced. I think his mother's acceptance of his father's continued adultery, because of her strong christian values, have really influenced the way that my fiance and his brothers view women and family. I only bring this up, because I doubt parents realize what an influence they can have on their children when they decide to stay in an awful marriage, and how far-reaching their decisions can be. My fiance has acknowledged that his family has some very conservative views on marriage and family, and he tries to be more respectful of women, but the way you were raised has such an influence on you. We are definitely going to have resolve this issue before we get married! It's sad that so many people get divorced, but I don't think the issue is divorce, but rather that people cheat, abuse and lie to their spouses in the first place. No, I wouldn't automatically tank a marriage because of infidelity, and divorce should not be a first option, except for in cases of abuse, but sometimes when things are so bad, it really is the better option. It's not a sin, it's not the end of the world, it's just a very sad thing to have happen.
melizzle melizzle 8 years
Regardless of how much we've progressed, society still shoves the idea of a happy marriage down our throats. I think this causes some people to marry for the wrong reasons and settle for less than happiness. A few years in that kind of situation is all it takes for someone to say, "I've had it!"
bransugar79 bransugar79 8 years
I agree that divorce is an option, the only thing I keep thinking is that it really shouldn't have to be. Everyone keeps saying that sometimes people are just truly unhappy and I believe that. I come from a home where my parents were together for no real reason and didn't love each other and when they finally stopped ripping each other apart and split up I was so relieved. The thing I can't grasp is why they ever got together in the first place? I mean people get together for the wrong reasons and abuse what marriage is for and what it should be and we all just accept that because they weren't realistic about what was coming we should let them take the escape route. Even if you don't see marriage as a sacred covenant before God (which I do) it is in the very least a binding legal contract and in any legal contract if you sign up for it you get what comes with it. you can't go into court and say hey i signed this agreement with this guy to do this and now I'm feeling like eh not so much wanting this anymore. The judge will laugh you out of the courtroom. You are supposed to know what you are getting into FIRST not after the fact. if more people took things seriously and stopped looking for someone to make them feel good or make all their dreams come true and started being real about what marriage is - partnership of two people merging into one- then it would survive more. Also I wanted to say that my requirements for divorce are not a judgement on anyone else, they are based on my commitment to my marriage and my husband. I truly believe that there is nothing that could happen that would excuse me for dissolving our relationship, unless he abused me , which because I know him so deeply I know will not happen, or he cheated on me and had no remorse and felt it was OK. I would even work through things with him in both cases until it became clear that he had no intention of doing the right thing. If you don't feel that you can make a commitment like that to another person then I don't think you should even be thinking about getting married in the first place.
italianblonde italianblonde 8 years
Tough subject to answer on. I understand that some marriages just absolutely CANNOT be helped or repaired for anything. Sometimes people just change, especially when they marry young. My parents divorced because of adultery. I truly believe that that is wrong and I would get a divorce if that were the case. I don't think someone should stay in a violent or unhappy marriage, but I also don't think people should think of divorce as the easy way out of any problems.
Kimpossible Kimpossible 8 years
I believe that sometimes divorce is necessary. However, it shouldn't be the answer to fix problems because even after a divorce the problems still exist. Whatever issues one has (and we all have them) are still there even after a divorce so working on oneself and healing are very important steps before, during and after a divorce. So yes I think sometimes it's necessary, however, just like abortions should not be used as birth control, divorce shouldn't be used as the answer to all problems.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
I believe in it. I don't believe in beating a dead horse and one person alone can't fix a marriage.
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 8 years
I don't ever want to get divorced. Of course, if my husband cheated or was a threat to me, then I would have no choice. However, I think of divorces to be the absolute last resort, so I would take marriage very seriously. I would put off on marriage until I knew we were both absolutely ready and committed.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
I think that sometimes people get married for the WRONG reasons, which will usually lead to divorce somehow. Having a kid together, feeling like your 'clock' is ticking, pressure from the other person to get married, etc. Some people feel the need to just 'jump'. I think that both people should do it when they are totally ready and are 100% sure that its the right move.
jessie jessie 8 years
a lot of good comments here. can't offer any myself. come from a family of all divorcees. nothing but a bunch of bitter people. but think of the reason WHY you're getting married, and be sure of yourself and your partner. to many people just jump right in thinking its a fairy tale.
sweetpeabrina sweetpeabrina 8 years
Oops.. I meant to also say that I'm for it. I'd rather be happy than miserable for the rest of my life.
sweetpeabrina sweetpeabrina 8 years
I took my vows seriously when I said them. I was there in sickness & health, for richer or poorer, and for better or worse. However, my marriage was broken. The ex didn't want counseling. Our only option was a divorce. :shrug: I'm better for it.
rabidmoon rabidmoon 8 years
I am divorced. We were together 6 years. It got unhealthy, and he drank too much, and I was unhappy as hell the longer things went on. He didn't want to change, and by the time he made an offhanded effort to do so, it was too late. I just didn't give a damn anymore. He presented himself as something he wasn't, and I believed it. We are both to blame, but I fail to see why we should both have continued to pay for it. Unless kids are involved, I fail to see the big deal. It didn't work, and it wasn't going to get better. I am a thousand times happier now, and I think he probably is too..he went back to the kind of life he had before we married which means offshore work, and a lot of booze. :P But what I would say is if you are not absolutely sure of yourself, and the other person, then hold off getting married. Knowing yourself is every bit as important as knowing the other person.
Clarby Clarby 8 years
ummyeaitsmarcie you have summed up so many people I know. First dating someone you think should change is a no no in my book so the whole marrying someone and expecting them to change!? Really? I think I have blogged about people like that so many times I found the need to create a stamp for them. There are enough people in this world that a person doesn't need to change someone. Either a person wants to change or they don't, they do it on their own for their own reasons. I want my friends to be happy but I can't support them in bad decisions like that.
FairyPrincess33 FairyPrincess33 8 years
My parents divorced when I was really young so I grew up thinking that I never wanted to get married. A few years later my mom met my step-father and they've been happily married for over 10 years. I think that this revamped my view on divorce. It's important to try your best not to get married if you can help it but most importantly it's important to know who your marrying. I mean sometimes people change and it's not your fault however sometimes you just know it's not gonna work why try.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I think that there are of course instances where a marriage is irretrievably broken, Abuse (substance and physical/mental) abandonment, addiction (but only after counseling and or rehab hasn't helped). But i also think that most anything can be worked through if you have the commitment, including adultery. I tell anyone who is thinking about getting married that marriage is extremely hard, its a work in progress, its up and down and some days you will wake up going "why did i marry this person" and other days you will think "how did i ever live without them" There is no such thing as perfection. Divorce is so heavily relied on as a panic button, things suck, BAM you hit it, wield it like its a weapon, it should never be a word used in vain. People go into marriages thinking "well i can just divorce if things go bad" instead of "i am commited for life"
Lele777 Lele777 8 years
I was divorced and only made that decision because I felt that the person I was with was a danger to me and my child. In cases of abuse or infidelity, I definitely feel that a divorce may be your only choice if you want to be happy. It was a decision that I didn't make lightly and it took several months of dealing with a drug adddicted person that I had finally had enough of trying to fix the issues. We did a trial separation but he did not follow the plan of action required to iron out the marrige, so I filed for divorce. When kids are involved in situations like these you ALWAYS chose your child's well-being.
geebers geebers 8 years
I come from a background where divorce is only acceptable if there is abuse or lies about money and rarely, adultery. Anything that harms the family unit is when divorce can be seen as OK but even then people in my culture - and by people I mean women-are expected to deal with it. You are married for life and rarely is it bad enough for divorce. That kind of mentality is inherent in all of my relative's marriages. Sure no one is cheating, lying, or abusing anyone but they are SO unhappy and the relationship is oftentimes very unequal. I would never stay in that kind of marriage- although I also would never get married to someone that way in the first place. Despite the stigma against divorce, I believe in it when you have tried everything. I also feel that many times we blame the divorce on both parties but sometimes one person is truly done with the marriage and the other- evne if they are wholly against divorce - is left with no choice. I wouldn't judge a divorced couple- I don’t know what they went through in the marriage. Yes there are those that truly don’t have any respect for marriage- but I feel those types of people are rare.
AyrtonSenna AyrtonSenna 8 years
There really are a lot of good comments here. I deeply believe in the sanctity of marriage and I was certainly raised to believe that. I agree with the point that many of you have made – if many people did not treat marriage itself so frivolously, we would not have so many divorces. For too many people it is a quick and convenient escape hatch from a marriage they were never really in to begin with. I think many people do not fully appreciate the implications and sacrifices involved in devoting yourself completely to someone else. In conjunction with a culture that has an unremitting focus on personal autonomy and satisfaction, this produces disillusionment and a search for convenient exits. That being said I also agree with Clarby’s (and others) earlier point that there comes a time when divorce is necessary and beneficial. That is clearly true in the case of physical or mental abuse. It is also almost always true when there is adultery involved, or one of the other things on Ladychaos' list above. In the case of my family, my wonderful sister was abandoned in her marriage by a selfish, egotistical jerk and my family, despite their aversion to divorce, were more than happy to encourage her to get one when all other remedies had failed. The jerk was a classic example of someone who should never have been married – he wanted to continue living like a bachelor even when he was married (i.e. staying out late, always being with the “boys”, habituating night clubs, etc.). Whenever I visited my sister, she was alone – he was just not there. Despite all her efforts over several years, his behaviour just became more egregious. She finally just could not take it anymore. As my sister always says, it is better to actually be alone rather than wishing you were alone. No one should be forced to live in a loveless and dyfunctional marriage, and as long as you have tried your hardest to make it work and have tried to talk it all through, there is no shame in a divorce. Of course, if there were children involved, I would - like many people - make a superhuman effort to try to make it succeed. I would find it extremely difficult to allow my children to grow up without a mother and father around. However, even here I have seen cases where the animosity between the parents reaches such a level that it begins to adversely affect the children. Sadly, in those cases, divorce may also be for the best.
ummyeaitsmarcie ummyeaitsmarcie 8 years
(I'm against divorce in my own life, except for abuse and adultery. I don't think divorce is a good thing most of the time because it hurts people involved and their families, but sometimes pain is coming either way.)
ummyeaitsmarcie ummyeaitsmarcie 8 years
I agree that sometimes divorce is for the best, but I know some people who go through spouses like boyfriends and girlfriends. That's disgusting. People really need to sit down and talk about issues in their relationships before they say their vows. I get annoyed by the people who get divorces over things like having kids or not, I mean come one did you never talk about this or did you both go in assuming the other would change. If the one person in the relationship is expecting a change to miraculously happen after they get married, they really shouldn't be getting married in the first place. I have a very dear friend who wants to get married to fix a relationship that has been beyond repair without a miraculous change in both people for over a year. Bleh, I see a divorce coming as soon as she finally realizes that a 180 change is never going to happen.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
MartiniLush, well spoken! I definitely think divorce should be an option available, but I do think some people tend to get married too thoughtlessly and then divorced, or use it as an easy way out. I have this aunt and uncle that had been divorced literally three times from each other (remarrying a few months later each time), and I would always wonder, Can't you work your issues out without putting your kids through this over and over?
itsme3683 itsme3683 8 years
Bransugar, you took the words right out of my mouth! Except I'm not married, but everything else lol.
GratefulGrl80 GratefulGrl80 8 years
"Why go through life miserable, abused, or sexually unsatisfied? I understand marriage is a covenant before God and it is until death do us part and I personally believe in those things. However I do not believe God wants people to be unhappy and mistreated." Amen. I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. Never in my life did I think I would ever have to do that. My husband did not cheat on me, I know that would never happen. Ever. Unfortunately, the alcohol and emotional abuse were far worse than I think adultery would have ever been. I married him knowing he was that way, but I loved him (or thought that I did) and thought that it would get better. It didn't, and I had to make a decision. I was unhappy, and he wouldn't get any better with me there enabling him. He refused to deal with his problems, so I did what I had to do. I think staying in a marriage that is unhappy, not to mention unhealthy, is just wrong.
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