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Where Do You Stand: Holding Off on Sex Until You’re Committed

Sex and the decision to have or abstain from it is a very personal decision. I can understand arguments from each side but ultimately, it’s a matter of what feels right for you. Though contemporary women are lucky enough to have more sexual freedom, it’s not uncommon for women to wait to have sex with someone they're interested in until they’ve entered into a relationship with that person.

I’ve heard it said that “giving it up” too early can make a woman less appealing, but I don't necessarily agree — sometimes it does the exact opposite! So do you think waiting for a date to turn into a boyfriend before having sex can actually benefit a relationship? Where do you stand when it comes to holding off on sex?


Join The Conversation
Svend-la-Rose Svend-la-Rose 6 years
Anyone who is willing to commit to someone without knowing what kind of lover they are is undeserving of such a commitment.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Sex can be a powerful tool. A little time is good. Most people have thier way of saying they care before they get into sex. Then sex falls into place. Not too soon, not too fast, but with a little time. I know after sex sometimes a relationship can get more serious than it was. It means hey, I like you and I lust you as well. I don't like the term giving it up. Giving what up? More like getting some, just like the men do. It's a two way road and women like it just as much. Anyway it's possible not everyone wants to get serious since they had sex for cryin out loud. It's nice to know we all have choices and there is no one to place judgments anymore. When I was young my attitude was to grab every moment of life and have fun. And I did. Later I knew I was ready to settle down. Then I did. No problemo.
Juanie Juanie 8 years
I waited 9 months with my first bf, I just wasn't ready, he never pressured me, but I know now that he was getting it elsewhere. Frankly, you have to judge the situation on its merit. If you aren't comfortable then don't do it. It's very simple, never feel pressured and don't do something you know you are going to regret and punish yourself for after. I personally believe in only having sex with someone I'm am in a relationship with, that said I have only ever been in 2 relationships so I can hardly dish out worldly knowledge, but when it comes to something so personal the decision lies in your hands. No one has the right to tell you what to do with your body.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I need some kind of commitment first. There is no way I'm just going to have sex with a guy because we've been on two dates. I'm not going to make him wait forever though as long as I feel like it's going somewhere I'll go for it.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 8 years
i've had sex on the first date twice--both times it turned into a relationship lasting over a year (one still going strong). once i waited a few months, i ended up getting my heart broken. i'm not saying i got hurt because i waited. i'm saying it doesn't matter if you wait or if you don't. it matters if you're doing what's right for you, and only you can know that. you know what they say about the best laid plans...
looseseal looseseal 8 years
I'm with Asia84 on the vibrator thing. As far as I'm concerned, it's the perfect way to do the instant gratification thing. You know where it's been and you know where it's going. Plus, no fear of pregnancy, that's a huge plus. I don't think it's morally "wrong" or anything like that to sleep with someone sooner, I just think there's far too many ways for it to end up being more trouble than it's worth (just look at a random sampling of DearSugar advice seekers). It's way too much of a crapshoot, and I've never been lucky at gambling. Yeah, I'm totally pragmatic and unromantic.
amynick3 amynick3 8 years
Same here, tweet hotpants. My husband and I waited until we were married and we were both virgins as well. It can be one of the most intimate acts in the human experience, and we both wanted it to be special!
tweet-hotpants tweet-hotpants 8 years
my husband and i waited until we were married to have sex. we were both virgins. it was TOTALLY worth the wait.
AnnieBeth AnnieBeth 8 years
well, with my currant boyfriend and I after about 3 days we had sex. Which at first i totally regreted and felt i had ruined a potencially amazing relationship. Lucky for me it didn't,and 2yrs later were still together. I love him more than anything and wouldn't change a thing :)
austerity austerity 8 years
yup, to each their own. I think we are so lucky to live in a time where as a woman, you can do either without feeling some kind of social pressure. We can have sex if we want to...if we don't, society doesn't think it's weird because we're women. Guys would suffer more here :P For me, I'm in this boat. It would be great to have sex with each hot guy I meet :P , but I want to be committed because 1) it makes sex more special, 2) I am a bit traditional, 3) I don't want guys to think I'm easy, 4) I think any guy would feel special if he was told by a girl that she waited for someone as special as him to have sex with. But yeah, there are no rules really.
Nina_79 Nina_79 8 years
I don't think there are any rules. Sometimes it's right the first night, sometimes it's right a few weeks or months into the relationship.
Meike Meike 8 years
Because although it was a risk, it felt right. We knew a lot about each other from online and were trusting with each other. It doesn't matter that we weren't entirely committed in the beginning. It seamlessly worked out the best for us--the complete opposite of what typically is the result of first date sex. We committed early afterwards and are, now, married. It certainly is not advisable for anyone to just do. There are many jerks out there and it's a matter of trying to sift out the honest, good ones from the bad bunch--not an easy thing to do and why I'm very fortunate my husband is the man he is. He and I didn't each wait 25 years just to lose it to a random person who meant little to us.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
why not commit first...
Meike Meike 8 years
My husband and I had sex the first night we met in person and before that we were virgins. Go figure.
platinum89 platinum89 8 years
in my last relationship, i was pressured into it... that was a 4 year relationship.... i just wasn't ready at all... i wouldn't even consider losing my virginity cause i really didn't have a say. but with my boyfriend now, we do things, but we have yet to have sex. i'm quite comfortable waiting it out... he's worth it. i dont need sex to make me happy in a relationship (dont confuse sex with other sexual acts... i need those from time to time. lol)
brittanyk brittanyk 8 years
My fiance and I waited *forever* to have sex. He was a virgin and wasn't at all comfortable having sex early on in the relationship, so we waited. It was worth it :)
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think the longest I've held out is like 4 weeks. It's never scared anyone away. I try to just use my best judgment. I have no rules.
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 8 years
to each their own... i always felt like you shouldnt give it up right away but you need to know there is a sexual compatability before you get too invested... you wouldnt take the car off the lot without test driving it would you? ... and fyi i waited a whole two hours before sleeping w/ my fiance. of course at the time it seemed like it would be a fling... never expected us to be what we are and i also had never done that before
lauraxtc lauraxtc 8 years
I say do what you would like. When I was single I had a few flings. I personally would like a relationship. But at that time it felt good to me and the other person. Never took it seriously in a sense where I was going to fall head over heals but did have fun. Now I am happy to be in a committed relationship.
Blackwood Blackwood 8 years
whenever you feel the time is right and feel a true desire for it. I believe that if you do it when both your body and your mind (and heart!) are craving for it, then you can rarely go wrong following your gut instinct (of course it could happen, but is less likely).
MissChita MissChita 8 years
If you would have asked me that question a year or so ago, I would say do it whenever. If you dont wanna wait, then dont wait. And if a relationship happens then it does, but no big deal. But now, I would say I will wait till marriage. One, because its what God wants for us. And two, sex for me is something truly special. The older and mature I get, the more I realize this is true. I want my sex partner to be my husband! Not someone who I just met or whatever. I want intimacy on ALL other levels (spirituall, emotionally, mentally) to be there before the sex. And I'm faithful that when that day comes (to be physically intimate with my husband), then the sex will be wonderful because real love will already be present and I know the sex is just 'sealing the deal'.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 8 years
definitely until its extremely commited
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
To each it's own. Do what you do. But for me, I like to be a bit more committed before I have sex with a guy. I can get a booty call anytime I want, but if I need some drive-by kind of loving, that's what I use Mr. Bluey for (my vibrator). With Dan (my beau), we didn't hook up for a LONG time once we started dating. lol... I was surprised he waited. Guess it was worth it.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
I think it completely depends on the guy. For me, sex in a relationship is VERY important so if I wait until we're in a committed relationship before trying him on and then I find out that he's awful and so not into the same things as I am... I'd be breaking alot more hearts. If the guy I'm dating tries to rush me then I'm not interested because he's probably only after that one thing. But if it happens naturally on the second or third date, I'm not going to stop it. If he dumps me because he got laid then he's not the guy I want to be with anyways. My current boyfriend and I "did it" on the second date and it was f*cking fabulous. Other guys I've waited months and they were awful so I had to dump them. What a waste of time. go with the flow and regret nothing.
joesbabygirl joesbabygirl 8 years
my boyfriend and I didn't wait. We hooked up like 3 weeks in to "just seeing each other". It turned into a relationship after the fact! :)
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