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Where Do You Stand? Telling Your Ex What He Did Wrong

Even if ending a relationship is a relief, leaving a person or being left by someone can come with feelings of sadness and longing, which is probably why so many couples hook up after they’ve broken up. But there is a flipside to this: some people aren’t ready to let go of their bad feelings.

A friend of mine, in post-breakup mode, says every day is a battle not to call her ex. But not because she misses him and wants to reconnect, but because she wants to finally let him have it. She’s angry and ready to tell him exactly why. I think her feelings are natural, and though I understand her desire, I don’t think it’s a good idea. But what do you think? Where do you stand when it comes to offering your ex some brutal honesty in an effort to make yourself feel better?


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cbaby28 cbaby28 8 years
i say no..what's the point? all it's gonna do is make you look stupid. he could probably care less.
Phunkometry Phunkometry 8 years
Well, after my boyfriend of 2+ years breaking up with me over the phone, without reason, and refusing to speak to or see me for three days, I wrote him a long e-mail and gave him more than a piece of my mind. It actually prompted him to call me up for the first time, tell me that I "should become a writer, really, I think you're very talented" (I gotta say, it was very descriptive, colorful and well written! ah, the things passion can cause a body to do), and tell me that what I had written had embarrassed him so much that he wanted to set the record straight. I mean, a lot of what I wrote was out of anger, but at least it got some sort of dialogue going. Haven't seen or heard from him since. He "needs time. I hope you have a nice holiday and I will talk to you after the new year." He didn't say which year.
Sunluvingal81 Sunluvingal81 8 years
Well, it actually went a lot better than I thought! Instead of arguing about who did wrong, he just sat there and took it. He even thanked me for letting him know what he did wrong. I knew he was being sarcastic, but then we had a very long, deep talk. I think things are going to be ok between us now. We're not getting back together or anything, but we have agreed to become friends again. And that's the one thing I miss the most about our relationship. We were the best of friends.
Sunluvingal81 Sunluvingal81 8 years
I've been wrestling with the idea of doing this for about a week now. I really want to get a lot of anger and resentment off my chest, but at the same time I know I did a lot of wrong in our relationship that probably sparked the violence that led to our break up and restraining orders and stuff. But my therapist actually thinks it's a good idea. I called, but got his voice mail. We'll see how it goes when or if he calls me back.
AlexE70 AlexE70 8 years
There's nothing to be lost by letting an ex know how you feel, whether itbe about how thetwo of you ended your relationship, what you feel are the things they did wrong, or admissions of wrong doing yourself. Better to clear the air so you can both move on, than to hold onto negative feelings. They tend to fester and turn into something unhealthy when left unresolved, unaddressed, or avoided. I've personally had the feelings resurface in past relationships, and inadvertantly unleashed these feelings on my significant other. Thankfully, she was increadibly understanding, and helped teach me the value and meaning of what a soul mate can really be.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
it may make you feel better in theory but do you really feel better after you've told your ex everything that he's done wrong? i can honestly say that you will probably feel worse for it cause you probably won't get the reaction that you're hoping for, and even worse, what if you tell him and then down the road you see him with a new girl and he's changed - taking into consideration everything that you'll beat yourself up cause he changed for someone else but not for you.
zabrow zabrow 8 years
i think the best revenge is apathy towards someone. if you lay into them & let them know how badly they hurt you, then you're just letting them know that they got to you. if you move on with your life & they eventually see that you're so much better off without them, THAT's going to make them feel worse than anything you could say to them.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Me and my ex air our issues with each other quite regularly actually... it's been quite a healthy way to deal with it. At the moment we're airing our issues through PvP on warcraft. :p FROSTBOLT
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 8 years
im not proud of it but ive told off exs for what they did to me and how wrong it was. you feel *really* good in the moment but then i regretted letting them know how much they hurt me etc... it was like wow i totally let you see how you broke me down yanno. but damn it feels good when youre letting them have it hahahah
HeidiMD HeidiMD 8 years
I only did this once, and it was to an ex-friend, not an ex-boyfriend. She was a sociopathic parasite (and that's using polite terms to describe her) who was an obsessive control freak. It was not a healthy friendship to be in at ALL. She also started borderline-stalking my brother to gain leverage over me (which obviously backfired!). This was years ago, back when I was in college. She stayed in our hometown and went to school, where my brother was still living, and thought that once I was gone, he'd want to be best friends with her, and I'd be jealous and take her back. Yeah, right. I didn't scream at her or totally lose my temper, but I did tell her just what I thought, and I'm glad I did it. She made the lives of more than a few people back home hell for a long time. Ew.
The-Drunk-Lady The-Drunk-Lady 8 years
What would be the point? Telling a man off for some of his bad behaviors during the relationship should have been at the time they surfaced. I think contacting an ex to tell him off and express why you're angry, is trying to get sympathy. If he's left, why would he even care about what you say or feel? He'll just hang up the phone or leave. He could say things that will make you feel worse. I also think your friend still has feelings for this guy, why else would she be obsessing about it. How the conversation will go, is probably playing over and over again in her head. Telling him off will not make him suddenly realize he was an ass and stupid for ending the relationship. It doesn't really make you feel better. When I did this, I was angry at myself for not being the better person and wasting my energy thinking about it. Letting go is hard, but the best thing for ourselves. If he was really that bad, his karma will get him in the end.
iamangiepooh iamangiepooh 8 years
Even though it's been 3-4 months since I last spoke to my ex, sometimes I still wish I could tell him off. Our break up ended on extremely bad terms, and I think that's why I still think of him almost daily (I just had a dream about him last night!). We were together for almost 3 years so I guess it's normal that I still think of him since it hasn't been THAT long, but I'm in a new relationship and I'm so much happier. I wish I could just get the ex out of my mind. I think one of the biggest things for me has been that every time the ex and I broke up previously, I would always need closure and at least e-mail him or call him after a couple weeks (which led to many make-ups), but this time I didn't do any of that. That has been a HUGE accomplishment, and I'm pretty sure he's surprised. In the end, I don't think I will ever say anything to him ever again because he hurt me deeply, and I don't think he's worth a minute of my time... :/ Sad.......
bluestar bluestar 8 years
I don't know...if you want to, do it. You've broken up anyway. Most of the time it just makes you feel worse though.
jessie jessie 8 years
nope..why bother?! the picture for some reason cracks me up..:rotfl..sorry...i'll go now
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
Nope... I just let him stew in it. I write a man off for dead never to talk to him again. I just work on making myself feel better. Has nothing more to do with him at all.
DDL DDL 8 years
HAHAHA how funny! I was thinking of doing this exact thing. But my ex and I aren't speaking so I don't know if I should. I kinda want to let me ex chew me out as well so that maybe I could grow from it and she can get over her shit. But who knows, maybe the best thing for us to is to just let it go. Even though I have some REALLY great arguments against her (hehehe), I wouldn't want to stir up anymore hate. I don't know, what do you think? Has anybody ever successfully reconnected with an ex whom they hated for a few months?
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Solution: talk to a counselor!!!! I got most of it off my chest back in April and May (resulting in lots of fighting - we lived together) - but to my credit never called him over the summer. Counseling helped a LOT. I mean, a LOT. By the time he had stuff he wanted to say to me, I was over it and *he* was picking the fight.
ktownpolarbear ktownpolarbear 8 years
i wanted to do it so badly, but i didn't end up doing it. it sucked b/c when we broke up, i was the one who dumped him, so he let me have it, and everyone said i couldn't say anything back, so i didn't. now i regret not doing so. oh wells. i'm better off without him, that's what's most important.
alltherage alltherage 8 years
I dont know. I wish when I ahd the chance I had let him have it. But I wasnt strong enough yet. I guess the deciding factor is what you will get out of it - will it give you closure and make u feel better. or is there a chance it could make you angrier and regress - esp if he doesnt respond the way you hope....
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
I did with my ex. I think in MOST situations it can be a healthy thing to do, otherwise you end up sitting there wishing you could say all these things to him, which makes it really hard to let it go. But if you can get it all off your chest and know that he knows exactly how you feel, it can be really liberating. BUT I think if you are in a situation like Hiding where the person has become abusive and obsessive, its probably best to just walk away, otherwise you are giving them a reason to keep that behaviour up. Because when someone acts like that, they are doig it to get a reaction and the worst thing you can do is give them a reaction.
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
I want to do this soooooooo badly to my ex. We were together for 4 years, lived together for 2, and after he became abusive and I broke up with him he began stalking me and harassing the heck out of my with death threats. There is this huge part of me that wants revenge. I mean, how dare he put his hands on me and try to hold me hostage and THEN have the balls to wonder why I was leaving him and make me pay for it??? I would love to give him a piece of my mind and I would if I didn't have a no contact order against him. ::sigh::
lauraxtc lauraxtc 8 years
I was with my ex for 6 years! We didn't speak for a month and when he tried to come back and make things work, I let him have it, in a polite way of course. He seemed hurt but know I was right and he regretted leaving me the way he did. and wished he could take things back. but what is done is done. I am moving on. and yet, when i listen to a song or see a cute icon, or anything that reminds me of him, I want to call and tell him off and ask him why he had to be so selfish, why couldn't he stay strong and make it work, why did he have to be a coward and just walk out like he did on his home? but then I snap back into reality and realize its over and we had closure. I am stronger now. :)
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
I would first try to write a letter to him about how you feel BUT I wouldn't mail it, maybe give it to a good friend, so you feel someone read it. If that doesn't work and you truly cannot move on with out saying anything, then go for it!
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 8 years
I think it depends on what the intention behind it is, I guess. I personally don't like to burn bridges and want to end on good terms. If the two parties decide to sit down and have a "what went wrong" talk so they can both grow as people and not make the same mistakes in future relationships, then it's great to tell them what you think they did wrong. If it's to blow off some steam, it won't have any good results. They certainly won't become a better person after you rip into them.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
hells yes i've done this in a couple situations, but it was when i was younger and a break-up wasn't a break-up rather it was a season of crap dragging on and on so eventually there was yelling...also, booze was often involved, cuz we were in school, so it was a much more honest situation
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