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Why the Cold Shoulder?

Dear Sugar
I have been friends with a girl since I was six years old. We are from the same town and have grown up together and our families are extremely close. We're now both in college, so we rarely talk to each other anymore, though we still see one another when we are both home for break.

Several months ago, she decided to stop being friends with me, although she has never verbally said this to my face. She removed me from all of her on line social networking communities and stopped taking my calls. It has been four months since we've spoken and every time I try to confront her, she give me her fake politeness that she gives to people she can't stand.

I don't know what to do anymore, and I know I will continue to see her at our family parties in the near future. She has torn this friendship in half, and though I wish I could salvage it, I feel too hurt to work at it any longer. How should I handle this gracefully and not have to avoid all our family gatherings? Bewildered Beckie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Bewildered Beckie
It sounds like your friend is experiencing some sort of funk and is taking it out on you. Has she shut out any of her other friends like she has you? Since your families are close, could you ask them if she has experienced a major change in her life that could be attributed to her attitude towards you?

Your friend's distance makes me think she is struggling emotionally. Sometimes people pull away from the ones they love and those who know them best because they are afraid to confront what is bothering them. Since your attempts to talk to her were denied, unfortunately, you are going to have to give her space until she is ready to open up.

Since it is inevitable that you will be around your friend at family festivities, perhaps you should write her an e-mail or a letter to get out your anger and frustration. Try saying something like this:

"I understand you want to keep your distance from me, but I just want to let you know that I miss your friendship and if there is something I have done to upset you in any way I would really like to know about it. I am always available to talk."

If your friend still chooses to ignore your attempt to mend this broken friendship, unfortunately, you are going to have to accept her decision. I have a feeling more will be revealed from this, and hopefully she will come around. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
tina_marie tina_marie 10 years
I'm sorry you've lost your friend, but the first thing you need to do is think back and see if there is anything you have done to alienate her. We read on this site all the time about how friends want to 'break up' with friends for various reasons. If you have or could have done anything to make her mad or not want to hang out with you, then ask her if that is what is bothering her and apologize and try to mend the friendship. Then if you can't think of anything you've done, move on. good luck
Marci Marci 10 years
I'm with DS and honeysugar. People change and maybe don't want to maintain friendships anymore, but the way she's handling this sounds like she's being deliberately hurtful. You should just try for the heart to heart. You might get your answers. But if she's done this, she may not be open to talking to you, either, so be prepared for that when you make the overture. Good luck.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I think that's the best advice possible. Write her a letter and ask her to at least explain to you why she doesn't want to be your friend. And then just let it go. You need friends in your life who will support you and will be there through thick and thin. She will realize what a good friend she lost one day.:-)
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